I(26F) always end up feeling completely humiliated when participating in my husband’s(27M) family’s activities.

My husband’s family are mostly athletic, outdoorsy men. He has several brothers and a dad who only really bonds with his children when they join his own hobbies. Family events therefore involve lots of athletic activities. I have never been good at sports or just anything outdoorsy - I just usually am bad at it. My husband has expressed to me that all he wants me to do is try things, that I don’t have to be good at them but he loves it when I at least try. My problem is that when I do try to join in with his family’s activities, I am inevitably the worst and always feel completely humiliated.

We’re are currently staying with them and last night my in laws invited my husband and I to join one of their other sons and go to the shooting range. I really didn’t want to go but saw that it would mean a lot to my husband, so I said I would and maybe I would shoot a round. I should note here that I have gone to the range with them once before, a few years ago, and that I did pretty well - enough that my husband still talks about how naturally good I was. I haven’t wanted to go since because that first time felt like beginner’s luck and I knew I would disappoint my husband whenever I went again. Last night my FIL made a big show of having me be the first one up, explaining the whole process to me, getting me to find out which is my dominant eye etc. Apparently I don’t have a dominant eye, they both see averagely well, but then I have my FIL on one side and my husband on the other insisting “well you must have a dominant eye, everyone does, look through your dominant eye.” There was another guy shooting just down from us and his shots were ringing my ears, I have my FIL loudly disagreeing with me that I had to have a dominant eye and not listening to me when I said I don’t think I did, my husband on the other side of me... I’m not used to guns, I don’t particularly like them, and this whole time I’m feeling increasingly anxious and stressed. When I get the go ahead to shoot my round, I miss every single one by a lot, and the whole time my FIL is by my side yelling “You’re shooting way left! Why are you shooting way left? Don’t shoot left! I don’t understand why you’re still shooting left!” I finished my round and, feeling really panicky and awful, I went and sat down despite my FIL and husband pressuring me to shoot another round.

I felt like I had disappointed my husband because he’s spent the last couple of years bragging about how good a natural shot I am, I felt completely overwhelmed by all the noise and the fact I’d been holding a gun in my hand, and I felt so attacked (that doesn’t feel like the right word but I can’t think of another) by my FIL yelling at me through it all. I sat through the rest of the time with my FIL making a big fuss of everyone else shooting well while I felt like crap. My husband could see I was upset and kept trying to comfort me, but I kept saying I was fine and pushing him away -I already felt pathetic in front of his family and I thought that him fussing over me in front of them would have just solidified that impression. I just wanted to cry, which of course made me feel frustrated with myself and so I was trying to stay normal and take deep breaths while subtly rubbing tears from my eyes. My in laws kept making comments like “ you look upset” which didn’t help, and I kept saying something vague about not liking guns to which they replied “well then why did you come?” The whole experience was completely humiliating and I just wanted to go home and privately cry. My husband pressed me later to know why I was upset, and I told him that I just had a bit of a sensory overload at the range with all the noise - kind of the truth, but I didn’t want to tell him that it was really because I felt so humiliated and patronized. I know that he would have said “well you tried, that’s what matters” when I feel that actually that isn’t what mattered at all. Even the act of writing this out has made me feel humiliated all over again.

I’ve had several experiences like this with my husband’s family. One time I went on a weekend skiing trip with them having never skied before. My husband (them fiancé) actually couldn’t make the trip but I went regardless, knowing it meant a lot to him that I bond with his family. My FIL paid for me and my SIL, also an inexperienced skier, to have beginner lessons on the first day. These went fine. I took my time, felt better knowing my SIL also needed lessons, and even enjoyed myself a bit despite being far, far outside of my comfort zone. The next day was a different story, though: there were no more lessons and we were expected to join the rest of the family. My SIL was a natural skier and had advanced in confidence and skill much faster than I did. My in laws wanted everyone to do a slope together and so, even though I had only ever done bunny hills, I found myself on a ski lift heading up a hill they all promised was not very hard at all. When I reached the top I felt instant, sickening regret. It was much steeper than they’d promised and I knew I couldn’t get down it. I was terrified and felt myself start to have a panic attack. All my husband’s family were telling me I could do it, or that I could go down on my butt, but that I couldn’t take the ski lift down. I thought I would faint or throw up, I was crying - I felt so powerless and completely, horribly, humiliated in front of them all. My FIL, an advanced skier, ended up linking my poles to his and taking me down slowly, me crying beneath my mask the entire time. Again, completely humiliating, and I didn’t go out on the slopes again for the rest of the trip, despite pressure from everyone to do so. My husband wasn’t on the trip, remember, so I spent the time indoors alone.

When I tell my husband that I want to maintain my dignity by sitting things out, he tells me I lose my dignity the most when I don’t try at all. I essentially agree with this idea - I also agree that trying things is really important and that I have to accept I won’t be good at everything - but the reality is I lose a LOT of dignity when I try things at family events. My husband is a loving, considerate person. I know that me trying things, even if I suck, brings him so much happiness and is a real act of love. He just wants me to be willing to step out of my comfort zone and join in. Obviously he gets excited when I’m good at things, such as the first time I went to the range, but I do know that he’s telling the truth when he says he doesn’t care if I am good, just that I try. My problem is that the act of trying things, particularly when I am with his family, is always an incredibly humiliating experience for me and makes me feel terrible about myself. His family would never do any of my hobbies or things that I am good at, so what happens is I try something and am consistently the worst at it and am always the weakest link. I feel like his family see me as pathetic because from their point of view I’m that one DIL who always ends up crying. I don’t want to be that person, and I would so much rather not put myself (or them) through these traumatic experiences, but I do because it means so much to my husband.

I don’t know what to do going forward. I don’t know how to make my husband happy without feeling humiliated and upset. If I try these things, even when I fail, he is so proud of me but I’m left feeling terrible. If I don’t try things, I know he feels sad that his wife is sat on the sidelines, so I still feel terrible. I want to stress that my husband is really kind and would hate that I feel so humiliated if I told him — he’s just the average guy who wants his wife to try things. He’s also used to his family, specifically his FIL choosing the family’s hobbies, and has learned to deal with it; I’m not used to it as we have only been married for 2 years. I feel like my role in his family is the weak, pathetic one. I never get the chance to show my in laws that I am competent and confident in many things - they only see a DIL who cries during family activities, and I HATE that.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How do I still make my husband happy by trying things and joining in at family events, without having to go through the inevitable humiliation in front of his entire family? Is there a balance to be found?

TLDR: My husband loves me trying things and joining in at his family events, but I always end up having humiliating and even traumatizing experiences. He appreciates me trying and says there is dignity in even a failed attempt, but I don’t feel dignified at all.

Submitted September 01, 2018 at 08:18AM by humiliatedwife https://ift.tt/2C6Bqtw