UPDATE: Me [30 M], am having a hard time moving on from a fallout I had with my cousin's wife [27 F] 2 years ago.

Original post: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/5k8lku/i_28_m_was_told_by_my_cousins_wife_25_f_that_ill/

Ever since the incident, I moved to a different part of the country, away from anyone that I knew. I sought out professional help for my depression and suicidal tendencies. I started ridesharing to pay the bills and while I was't making any progress in my field, I felt happy to lead a normal life for a change. Then I was asked not to attend a family wedding (the cousin's younger sister) because my cousin's mother feared that my cousin's wife might create a scene and it wouldn't bode fell for them. I obliged and spent the next 3-4 weeks, drinking every single night and by locking myself in my room during daytime. Around that time, I had deactivated my social media accounts but I constantly got pictures on WhatsApp and iMessage, some of them saying (on the lines of) "wish you could be here". The rest of 2017 was as terrible. I was drugged out of my mind with medication and heavy drinking when I'd be alone and without my friends. I spent the holidays getting stitches as I had a bad reaction and had a fall in the bathroom. Luckily, my apartment mate came to the rescue.

All through this, I never received a call from my cousin's mother. I felt abandoned by my family at 30. When I was 2 and my parents separated, she was the one who took care of me. So it broke me and got me all paranoid. I'd often ask myself "Why are they accommodating someone who's new to the family and absolutely toxic over someone they've known for their whole life?" Of course, I know it is pointless and my self worth has gone down the gutter ever since.

I like to believe that I am a lot stronger than I was before. I am actually thinking about a career now instead of contemplating suicide and wallowing in my sadness all the time. Of course, the pain and frustration tends to come back ever so often and annihilates my productivity for a couple of days. Group therapy is helping a bit but I am not sure if I enjoy the quality of life that I have right now as opposed to the one I had with my extended family around me. I don't put myself out there anymore because I am afraid of being rejected or losing whatever I have left. I have this new desire to live, have a career, and possibly meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want this bad incident to haunt me anymore.

TL;DR! I find myself drained and exhausted, unwilling to push myself or have a fresh beginning every time I am reminded of that day. I want to put this behind me and make a life for myself.

Submitted July 29, 2018 at 06:59PM by _Juan_Cena https://ift.tt/2LzhljZ