I (M45) believe I'm dating someone (F43) who is overly controlling. Need feedback. I think I'm being broken down/groomed.

EDIT: So I met with her for lunch. Talked to her about the ex-wife exchange. Got a long diatribe about how I'm leading her (my ex) on and hurting her (my ex) because I don't understand how women think. Also how my comments ("Check out more by this artist." and "Check out this game for your phone.") were inappropriate in regards to my current relationship. I told her that I wouldn't indulge the double standard of who each of us can and can't talk to and that as long as I'm above board, it's none of her business. The result....

1. Says "I don't want to do this anymore."
2. Gets up from the table and says "If you want to be alone, then be alone."
3. I tell her there's no going back if she chooses to walk away.
4. She say "I know." and walks away.

Seems pretty cut and dry to me. She messaged me a few minutes later telling me she wasn't breaking up with me. Just that "If I want to be alone, then be alone. Nothing more. Nothing less.". I.E. more word games and switched meanings. As far as I'm concerned, she initiated the breakup and I'm not giving her the ability to take it back.

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One last edit: During our discussion, I brought up how I've been increasingly walking on eggshells, and how the daily anger or disapprovals were making me feel. Her response "This is how I am. Either you're strong enough to deal with it, or you're not.". That answer summed up everything I had an issue with in this person. Just plain shitty.

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I'm about three years out of an 18 year relationship that really stunted my growth. When I left, I had the relationship maturity of an 18 year old. I've matured significantly since, but lack the experience to figure this out on my own. The girl I'm dating (IMO) seems to have some significant control and anger issues. I also think she gaslights me. I'll just list a few items.

Control:

- Any communication with my ex-wife upsets her. Not because she's jealous, but because I'm "leading my ex on" just by exchanging comments on Facebook infrequently. Maybe once a month. My ex will comment on a post of mine. I'll comment back. It's all pretty mundane IMO. "How've you been?", "Here's a song you might like.", etc. I limit my contact because my ex still misses me three years out. However, my current girlfriend gets explosively angry if I communicate with her. She feels very strongly that I should cut all contact with her for a few years, at least. So that my ex can fully realize that I'm never coming back. I see her point, but don't understand why she gets so angry about it if there's not a jealousy or control aspect to it. This extends to other women I've been involved with who were good friends of mine. I need to cut all contact with them as well.

On the other hand, she is still friends with her former boyfriends and FWBs. If I get jealous of that, she tells me that they've been there for her over time and I just need to trust her. She doesn't go see them, but infrequently chats/e-mails with them. I'm not jealous of them at this point, but this inequality bothers me greatly.

- Her usual way of illustrating her intentions to be with me is to point out how she has many many options she for lovers and that she's chosen me. This seems like it's meant to make me doubt myself more than anything.

- We've been dating for four months and from the get go she wants to spend every possible night together. Me trying to keep nights open when I can have time to myself bothers her. As if I'm being selfish. She doesn't get explosively angry, but she does get passive/aggressive.

- She makes changes to my living space without asking me. Moving furniture. Rearranging cabinets. Etc.

- I think she gaslights me. This one bothers me the most. In almost every argument, some aspect of the conversation will have changed from what I remember it being. She'll tell me she said something when I know she didn't. Or she'll change something I said. When I point it out, every single time it's because I "don't remember things right" and I "can't trust" my memory. Just a few days ago this happened when we were on speaker-phone with a third party. She left out an important piece of information from the discussion (to sway the result of the conversation to something of her preference). I got angry with her for manipulating the other party. She says I'm just remembering the conversation incorrectly and that she told them this piece of information. I offered to call the other party and ask them, and she exploded. Saying that the other people wouldn't remember it either because they probably weren't paying attention. In short, no matter how many people are involved, everyone else has a flawed recollection.

- On a daily basis, she points out flaws in my behavior to "help me understand" my problems. These frequent criticisms bother me. I know I have issues, but her taking every opportunity to point them out has me feeling terrible about myself. I've discussed this with her, and she thinks I'm being stubborn and not realizing that I _need_ to feel really bad about myself to be a better person. This one really bothers me and seems abusive.

I lack emotional/relationship experience from spending almost 20 years in a bubble. I work hard at trying to be conscious of my flaws and put a lot of effort into trying to be empathic, limit my jealousy, stay grounded. But this relationship has really made me doubt myself and I don't know if it's my flaws or something more insidious. I think the answer is clear, but some outside feedback would be appreciated.

TL;DR: I think I'm being broken down/groomed by my current girlfriend, but worry that my perceptions are the result of a lack of emotional maturity.

Submitted July 31, 2018 at 07:46AM by DiscombobulatedNet9 https://ift.tt/2LHEf8I