I’m [19M] going through my sister’s [20F] stuff, so she’ll have clothes in rehab. Found a planner, and now I’m on my feelings.

Howdy, Reddit. This is a throwaway, obviously, because I need the opportunity to decompress and disassociate with my regular Reddit-activities. I apologize in advance for how long this is, but I just started writing an hour ago and couldn’t stop.

I have two “full” sisters and two half sisters, but my focus today will be solely on the sister that’s directly older than me; I’ll call her Mary.

Mary, my youngest sister, and I endured one hell of an upbringing. We survived the nastiness of my parent’s divorce, constant custody switches between two cities, alcoholism, drug abuse, my father being stabbed by my cousin, and my mother tackling my youngest sister down two stairs. To put it bluntly, my childhood was shitty.

As a child/preteen/teenager, I found solace in online gaming communities and a long-lasting addiction to computer games (namely World of Warcraft, which I’ve been playing since I was 8.) I managed to survive my younger years by dodging familial get-togethers, my favorite aunt’s funeral, and any meaningful emotional interaction period. I escaped this mentality by pushing myself towards performing arts and became a mildly successful performer and director (on a local scale, anyway.) While I’m still young and have my love of theatre to fall back on, I think that I’ll be permanently scarred by my previous insecurities and trauma. I work through that everyday by maintaining two retail jobs, a full college career, and an amazing boyfriend who I attribute a lot of my success to.

Mary, however, is a different story. She’s incredibly talented- incredibly smart, unbelievably cultured, and THE MOST attractive member of my family. However, she wasn’t saved from our family poison. Addiction befell her, and she began experimenting with drugs around the age of 12 (middle school.) It began with prescription medication her dumbass friends shared with her at an “All Night Skate,” and quickly escalated to her skipping school and doing drugs with people she barely knew. She started with marijuana (which I have no problem with, whatsoever) around the age of 14, but then became a serial abuser and partier by the age of 17. She made a series of very bad decisions including transferring to an out-of-state college when she wasn’t prepared, partying with undesirable friends that left her naked and alone in the middle of New York City, and wrecking two cars (both drug related incidents.)

While she was out of state, the whole family was worried sick about her. She eventually overdosed again, and we decided it was time for her to move back to town. We thought everything would be fine, but then she attended a pill party and overdosed on a concoction of inhalants (doctors said it was most likely a mix of cocaine, crushed up ketamine and Xanax.) She drove herself to a local hospital, was baker acted, and now here we are.

While going through some of her old books, I stumbled across a planner. The planner was almost entirely blank and missing A LOT of dates. There were only three dates. It’s one of those fun little planners that has sections like, “Things I’m Grateful For” and “Things I’m Excited About.” On one of the three dates, underneath the “Affirmation” section, Mary wrote this: “You are sick, but still trying hard.”

I had to stop everything. I shouldn’t have read it. My perception of my sister has never changed- I absolutely love her and care for her, but now my heart aches beyond relief. I can’t even manage a single tear right now.

I don’t know exactly why I’m posting this, but this is all I could think to do. Please, someone, let me know if there’s anything more I could do than I’m already doing. I’ve missed so many important dates/family gatherings/birthdays/weddings because of work and school, but I don’t think I can shut my family out anymore.

Tl;Dr, My sister Mary and I endured a very troubling childhood, and are in completely different circumstances. While helping her out, I stumbled across a journal page that broke my heart with one sentence. Let me know what I can do.

Submitted July 30, 2018 at 08:34PM by itslit-terbox https://ift.tt/2OtNJSZ