My [26F] Mom [52F] are incredibly close friends - so much so that she complains about my Dad [51M] to me openly. Recently realized that after years of this, her comments have destroyed my relationship with my father.

tl;dr: my [26F] Mom [52F] has complained to me about my Dad for years, and I've played the mediator between them since I was ~15 but I've only just realized that her comments have destroyed my relationship with my Dad while she's fighting stage IIB cervical cancer.

I apologize for the novel. Recently come to these realizations. There are many moving parts.

I've always described my relationship with my Dad to others as "strained." Since I was around 10 we have constantly fought. I thought for years that my Dad misheard me, or misrepresented how I spoke with him. Many times we would would have conversations where he wouldn't like my tone, especially if I was flippant, and he would tell me off for it. I would immediately remove myself from the conversation, but the grudge remained. Over time this led to us not speaking much, or relating to one another at all. For example, my Dad has always been a workaholic. Many of our fights happened in the evenings when he would come home from work, only to keep working. When I would poke him about being on the computer, and ask him to come to dinner, he would get upset and tell me bluntly to leave him alone. I would ask him why he came home from work to keep working. He would get more upset by that and yell at me. I'd walk away.

When I started high school, my Mum and I became very close. She was a stay at home Mom for my brother [30M] and I. We spent a lot of afternoons together after school, running errands, watching shows and cooking together. Over time it was easy to talk to my Mom. She loved to sit and listen to me study for history tests, reciting facts and asking questions. She engaged with me about my day to day at school, with genuine interest. She also gave me the space to write and work. Over time, we've remained close but things changed when I went away to college. I struggled with anxiety, and she was the only one who knew. We checked in with one another every day via text. She supported me and helped through a horrible break up. I have her to thank for sticking with my degree when I desperately wanted to drop out. She encouraged me, even when I decided to attend a university ~7 hours away from home. She remained encouraging when I decided to pursue an MA, and ultimately my PhD. My Dad struggled when I made these decisions. As someone in business, he doesn't see the value or necessity of post-graduate degrees. He has heckled me for it, been confrontational about it, and told me off for being the "smart one." He has told me to my face that he doesn't know why anyone would pay me to do what I do.

Last year my Mum was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I took the summer off to help her with her treatments, primarily keeping her company and cooking for my parents while I stayed with them. She became very dependent on me. When she finished treatment and I went back to work and my PhD, she developed really bad anxiety. She began complaining that my Dad was not understanding or helpful more frequently. Every conversation we had, she would vocalize how frustrated she was with him. Despite my pushing her to seek counselling, and to enjoy the break in treatment, she barely left the house. She did not go back to work. She traveled to see her family and had a horrible time, so she was turned off traveling all together. This past December, she received news that her cancer had likely spread to surrounding lymph-nodes. In April she needed emergency surgery. I rushed home because her life was in danger and have stayed with them since.

My Mum was hospitalized for 35 days. During that time, I realized that she was pushing my Dad further away. He would try to hold her hand and pet her in a soothing way, but she would slap his hand away while being more than happy to hold mine. She complained about almost everything my Dad did - the way he spoke, the way he drove, the way he engaged with her. In this time, as I worked through my feelings with my own therapist, I realized that my Mum has always done this. I have been a mediator between my parents for almost a decade, at least. When I was younger and my Mom was frustrated that my Dad was still working at home after a long day at the office, I was the one who confronted him about it. My Dad also got frustrated when my Mom went back to work while I was in college, and he pressed her to leave her job. She told me how upset she was by this. I was the one who confronted him about it. Now, with my Mom's diagnosis, I have had to confront my Dad about a number of things, and it's just made things more fraught between us. I genuinely feel like my Dad has come to resent the friendship I have with my Mom, and he has confirmed this. My Mom pushed herself to take me out to lunch for my birthday about a week after an aggressive chemo treatment. Later that night, when my Dad got home from work, he told me he was jealous, but secretly happy that the lunch was cut short so that hopefully the three of us could do something on the weekend together.

I will be leaving my parents' house in roughly a week to go back to work (I'm a PhD student, and have teaching and program requirements that require me to go back to school ~8 hours away). I most likely won't be back until December for the holidays. I have been at my parents' since April, when my Mom was hospitalized. When I told my Mom that I was leaving roughly a month ago, she became extremely emotional. Any mention that I am leaving (e.g. discussions of my travel plans, that I am going back to work) has her in tears. She is finally seeing a counsellor, who is helping her work through her anxiety, but I feel like it's not enough. She has no close friends and we have no close family where they currently live for her to lean on.

I feel like I am stranding her with my Father and Brother, who just don't have a good relationship with her right now. I also know that I absolutely need to get out of this situation, and that she will be okay when I go (I've left briefly for a few days before, and 2 weeks for a work thing. My Dad and Brother stepped up). It is destroying me to be the go-between my parents and worse yet, I feel like I am contributing to their communication problems, and adding to the growing distance between them. I have been supportive of them speaking frankly to one another about their problems. I have even found them the resources to seek counselling together, and separately through the cancer clinic (so all of their appointments are free). I have been encouraged my Mum to be open to other people helping her through her treatment, especially because I feel so much pressure as a solo caregiver to my Mum. I also feel incredibly resentful that I'm in this position, which only contributes to my own anxiety.

How do I gracefully extricate myself from this relationship in the long run? How do I even begin to rebuild a relationship with my Dad? My parents have been married for 27 years. There has been no discussion of separation - my Mom is 100% dependent on my Dad, and he truly loves her with all his heart. They know they have some work to do on their marriage, but her illness has made pre-existing problems 100x worse. We're all flustered.

Edit: grammar.

Submitted July 29, 2018 at 09:23PM by Lovable_Nerd https://ift.tt/2Lz39Yo