Me (30F) with my boyfriend (32M) of 3.5 years - I broke down and made a pro/con list and am embarrassed by the cons and concerned

I’ve posted here before but essentially I have been struggling for months with when to make the decision to end things.

I know it sounds stupid, but I finally broke down and made a list. The problem is that the day to day is fine, we joke, we laugh, we have deep conversations, we make dinner for each other, we say nice things, but I’ve had this serious anxiety about the future and I think I’ve nailed down why.

Pros: -similar senses of humor -similar music, tv, and movie tastes -we can be goofy together -we take turns cooking for each other and cleaning the kitchen nightly -we travel well together (once we get to the destination or on a plane) -we are both similarly active -similarly financially responsible -he always sticks up for someone if they’re ever bullied (even at work, in the adult sense of the word) -same political views and interest in politics -similar preference in activities ex: camping, concerts, hiking, breweries -he loves my family and they love him -gets along with my friends -good chemistry -we’ve developed our own cute little songs and nicknames and sayings

But the CONS oh boy. -if I suggest an activity that isn’t one of his most favorite things, for example if I suggest a date night to do a craft or board game or DIY project or a walk he will say no.

-he says yes but doesn’t mean it. So I will say want to go on a big trip (pre Covid) and he will say yes, but months later I find out he means no.

-he’s flipped flopped on kids which I know is a deal breaker by itself. He moved from “maybe no” to “probably yes” which concerns me. Just tell me if you don’t think so! I’m 30 and deserve to know.

-he’s not comfortable being totally naked? (See: never nude from arrested development)

-he doesn’t do much foreplay (like more than 15-30 seconds) unless it’s like an anniversary or bday. Yes we’ve talked about this several times and he doesn’t like foreplay so it doesn’t occur to him and says I should ask every time. I said just assume I want it.

-he shuts down during hard convos. Well, he used to. He would get mad and stomp off and refuse to have a calm, rational discussion even if we both cooled down. Now he placates me by saying “I hear you and agree” and refuses to discuss further.

-this one is the worst one, I’m starting to think he is selfish. How do you come back from that?

-I feel like he’s staring at his phone a lot and he can’t focus on me and the phone so I usually lose out

• his mom is incredibly difficult as in all of his siblings set hard boundaries and their SOs see it and he legitimately doesn’t often see it which could lead to MAJOR issues down the line.

-he lets his mom manipulate his siblings against each other and falls for it every time

-if he’s stressed about work he’s totally quiet and cold and it ruins the evening, no warning. We’ve talked about it several tunes and it’s sort of better he mostly vents now.

-he isn’t very supportive of my creative side business

-he says he will do therapy but then makes every excuse not to (and was raised by a therapist he respects)

-I like a short shoulder rub and I ask maybe twice a month and it’s been probably 10 months since he gave me one. I just pay someone now. The issue is he will SAY “I’m going to give you a massage!” And it’s meaningless. He doesn’t do it.

-he has to pick what we eat and watch. I didn’t notice at first because I’m pretty laid back and will watch or eat most anything but after 2 years of living together I’m exhausted. I’ve mentioned this several times and he will be open for a few days then nothing.

-not that we are in a position to think about the future, but he’s certainly never mentioned it. I once asked if he ever thinks about the future and he said “no, but I would be happy to start” ?!?!

-he won’t initiate saying “I love you” no matter how many times I’ve asked for it, or asked to understand why he can’t. He says it back just won’t initiate and verbal is my love language.

-he doesn’t really do romantic gestures. I often will pick up items I think he might like and he doesn’t do this. I asked for random flowers but I do get them on vDAY.

-he allows self-esteem issues to get in the way. He’s the most handsome person I’ve ever dated by like a million but I know that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a struggle. But he will think these wild ideas that have NO truth. Like I did our Christmas card on a tripod shoot and I positioned us to get a cool composition and he decided I was trying to keep the camera far away from him? Because I was ashamed of him? Bizarre. After this convo I was like we need therapy.

-I get anxiety before we have a weekend trip because he always forces it to be hours late. He won’t have started laundry or he will have lied about taking a half day. Something.

-he’s not respectful of my time commitments so if I say I’m going to be somewhere he doesn’t care, his family plans Xmas like the day before and mine does far out and I know my family is extreme but I want to give them an idea of when we will show up.

-I’m mentally exhausted by this internal struggle of weighing all of the above

-he doesn’t take care of me when I’m sick he’s just like oh I’m sorry. I don’t mean wait on me hand and foot at all but like I grab him Gatorade and meds and he doesn’t do that unless I am really sick and ask.

-when we hike he goes so fast I can’t keep up and once I fell and I was crying and he had no clue because he just totally leaves me behind (and I’m an experienced, fast hiker compared to your average person!) my family and friends we look out for each other when we hike

Obviously some weighty cons there. I recognize that some are deal breakers and some wouldn’t matter if I was overall happy.

I know that I can just leave any time - but my question is, am I being unfair /unkind in my judgements and only focusing on the negative. I’ve never lived with a partner before but had great roommate situations and I worry I’m throwing away the good based on focusing on the negative.

Tl;dr: I finally sat down and did pros and cons and had twice as many cons in my relationship. I’ve been going crazy trying to decide what the heck to do.

Submitted February 23, 2021 at 02:57PM by Vast_Cauliflower_112 https://ift.tt/3pIbxnu