Relevant Background: I (30F) am the only daughter of my dad and mum (70ish), so I have no siblings to help me or serve as an example of how to move forward with the current situation. My husband (35M) and I live very far away from both of my parents. Also, my dad works in a field where reputation is everything, and my mum has been a SAHM for the last 15 years in order to concentrate on furthering my father's prospects. They've been married for 40+ years.
Long story short, my dad has been cheating on my mum for the last 2 years with different coworkers while my mum has been very sick with an aggressive form of cancer.
I had the pleasure of finding out while using his cellphone to call a friend of mine- he got a weird message that showed on the display. That, plus him acting incredibly sketchy, and the fact that my mum is sick and depends on him economically made me check his cellphone while he was charging it (I must add that he never let the cellphone out of his sight, which made everything even more sketchy). I needed to know, not for me, but because I was worried that he would leave my sick mother on the streets while I was thousands of kilometers away unable to help.
So I confronted him, he told me that it was a misunderstanding, that those women were looking for him, that he would never hurt me or my mum, that he was just bored due to the pandemic. So, I was assured that he still got my mum's back and tried to move on. A week later, my mum tells me that my dad has been cheating on her. And she also mentions all the other times he had cheated on her (which was news to me!), but this time she felt different about it. She was mad because, most certainly, it was someone from work and how could he be so stupid as to risk his reputation (and livelihood) like that. I confirmed what she already knew and told her how the cheating was emotional, yet not physical. A few days later, she confronted him and he accepted that the cheating was emotional AND physical. He had been meeting these women regularly (putting all of us at risk due to Covid) and that he was going to leave her, not because he loved these women but because she was being unreasonable with her reactions.
At this point, I only had a week left before I had to go back home and my whole childhood was imploding in front of my eyes. He promised to help my mother financially, but never offered an apology or an admission of guilt. What he gave me was a bunch of excuses: he is a man, he did it because all men from his family do that at some point, he did it because of his socio-cultural background, my mum never understood his political ambitions, he was bored with life and needed something exciting...I guess that these are reasons to break a relationship, but not to go behind the backs of those who love you and lie. He screwed up and refused to do the bare minimum that every decent person should do when they hurt someone: apologize and try to make amends. I cannot recognize him any longer, my father would apologize if he wronged someone. I still feel like body snatchers are involved in this.
So I left and during the 15+ travel hours my mum was telling me how he would stay until her treatment finished and that he was talking on the telephone with the other lady. I broke down on the layover and cried, what I did not cry there (because I did not want to hurt them), and slept, what I did not sleep during that last week. Surprise, surprise! I arrived at my destination and both let me know that they talked and now everything was a-okay, so I should not worry further.
I have whiplash. Now they are acting like nothing happened. He bought her jewelry (so cliched) and they laugh every time I call to check on her. I am glad that they worked things out, but I am not okay. The image I had of my father is in shambles and I do not know if I can ever trust him again. I want to move on, I do not know how to do so. I know that it takes two to tango and my mum is no saint (believe me). I have issues with both of them and thinking about the heaps of emotional and psychological trauma they've caused I would be better off without them. Still, I want to give them the chance to make amends.
She asked me for suggestions. What should they do to make it better, to rebuild the relationship? I told her to apologize and start therapy but it has been 2 months and they have not even looked for a therapist. I do not want to cut contact with them, but I will if they do not try to meet me halfway here. Forgive and forget is not an option anymore. What other suggestions can I offer?
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has suggested therapy. I've been working very hard with my therapist for the last 5 years. So I am covered :D
TL;DR! Dad cheated on mum despite of her being very sick. I found out and they what to make amends. I do not know how to move on and need help.
Submitted February 23, 2021 at 07:42AM by Whiplashdaughter https://ift.tt/3qNli56
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