TL;DR;Ever since our son was born in late 2019 my wife is stressed out all the time, because she's having trouble balancing work, baby, and me. We have a lot of support (we work high-paying jobs and have a full-time in-home nanny 9-6pm on weekdays, and could afford one on weekends if she wanted but she does not). No matter how much work I put in with the baby it doesn't seem to help. She's been going to therapy for anxiety for the last 6 months but nothing seems to be getting better. She seems frustrated/tired/angry most of the time and I can't seem to help her out of this funk. Additionally, we've only had sex 2 times (mostly unsuccessfully, due to discomfort on her part) in the last 16 months since our son was born, and 4 times in the last 2 years. I love her, but I'm exhausted with her being unhappy all the time and I feel unloved and don't know what to do.
Our son was born in late-2019 and we were both overjoyed. The one saving grace of COVID is that since we have been both working from home we have had the chance to see him grow up everyday, even if it's just for a few minutes during the day in-between meetings. However, ever since our son was born, my wife seems to be hyper-anxious/stressed/unhappy. Her job has also been pretty stressful during COVID which has compounded this.
My wife and I both have high-paying, demanding jobs. We have a full-time nanny on the weekdays (9-6pm) and are both working from home, where we each have our own separate office space. We could afford more childcare if we wanted but are at the level that my wife is currently happy with.
Since our son was born my wife has mostly withdrawn from our relationship (and even a bit during her pregnancy). She doesn't really give me much affection anymore (random hugs/kisses) and we've effectively stopped having sex, since she says it has been painful for her since the baby. We've tried a few times unsuccessfully and I've mostly given up trying because she seems completely uninterested.
My wife also seems very stressed during her day to day. Her job has been stressful (as is mine) but she's not quite as good at "leaving things at the office" and her work frustrations often express themselves as her being frustrated with non-work things too and turning inward and not saying much, or just trying to work extra hard.
Our typical schedule looks like this:
- She wakes up at 6:30 to work for an hour before the baby wakes up, then watches the baby from 7:30-8:15, then gets ready for work by 9am
- I wake up and get ready then watch the baby from 8:15am-9am when the nanny arrives, sometimes I watch the baby starting at 8:00am if my wife has a 8:30am work call so she has 30 minutes to get ready
- We both work 9-6 while nanny watches the baby
- I watch the baby from 6 until 6:30 or 7 while my wife continues to work.
- My wife watches the baby from 6:30 or 7 to 7:30 or 8 when he goes to sleep, then one of us puts him to sleep.
- I cook dinner (about 2/3 of the time), the other 1/3 of the time we order-in
- My wife works from 7:30-8:30ish, then we eat dinner together
- I do the dishes and tidy up the kitchen, my wife does the baby's laundry
What has been happening lately is that some minor thing will happen and my wife gets mad at me then huffs around the house angry, but won't tell me what is wrong without a lot of prodding. (e.g. I forgot to start the dishwasher the night before, I was on my phone too much around the baby). Once I finally get the reason out of her, somehow this will always turn into an argument where I express my frustration that she can't just tell me what's wrong. From there we'll get into a fight over her frustration being about some super minor thing, and how I feel like she is so unhappy all the time. From here she then interprets my frustration as some new thing she has to worry about (my feelings about her feelings), which in her mind she doesn't have time for because she's so over-stressed about everything else in her life. She has been going to therapy for anxiety for the last 6 months but it doesn't really seem to have changed much in our lives.
I am at the end of my rope living with someone who is constantly stressed out/anxious/unhappy. On top of this, I feel like I don't know what to do because if I bring this up it just compounds her stress. Yet at the same time, no matter how much I try to help with the baby, it doesn't seem to reduce her stress either. I love my wife and want to help, but I don't particularly feel loved back which is an awful feeling and I don't really know what to do to improve the situation. We'll probably go to counseling soon, but would appreciate Reddit's advice as well.
Submitted February 27, 2021 at 01:55PM by reladvicethrowaway21 https://ift.tt/2ZXr2O8
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