I (28f) dont know what to do about my relationship with my boyfriend (32m) after i had a weird emotional connection with a friend

Tldr; struggling with what to do with my relationship following a rupture nearly 2 years ago, in which i had a real connection that was semi romantic (non physical) with a friend.

Ive (28f) been with my boyfriend (32m) for just over 5 years. About 1.5 years ago i had an intense emotional experience with a new friend which wasnt physical, but was extemely confusing for me. It felt as if in a short space of time that person knew and understood more about me than most of my other friends, my family and my boyfriend. As nice as it was to have this person, the experience also really upset me and I spoke to my boyfriend about this experience very loosely and we discussed some things that we could change in our relationship that weren't working so well. A lot of this focused on getting more balance so that i wasnt taking all the emotional and administrative burdens in our relationship. 

Although those changes were really helpful, and made me feel closer to my boyfriend in a lot of ways, a large part of me feels like i cant recover from that initial event. Its like something snapped in me. Im very resistant to explaining that feeling by sayinf im in love with my friend (who i am still close to) because life is more complicated than that, and a good part of the feelings it precipitated were to do with other things weighing on me. 

However, i go through phases of feeling like i cant forget the intensity of the and relationship i have with my friend. I also go through phases of extreme guilt and anxiety because of the efforts my boyfriend has made, and the fact that he has tried so hard to make our relationship better. Sometimes i just fantasise about being on my own, irrespective of my boyfriend, my friend or anyone else, just to be able to do and feel what i like without guilt or anxiety. I worry a lot about the future, and the idea of settling with a situation that isnt right (my parents had a horrendous marriage and divorce which i never want to repeat or inflict on myself or anyone else). The problem is i still love my boyfriend deeply and care about him - i do feel like this issue is on me to work out. 

To be blunt, im exhausted of feeling like this and dont know how to move forward. Ive tried so many things to try and unpack / let go of some of these feelings, and have a wonderful therapist who i am able to talk to about this, but have not told anyone in my actual life about these emotions (with the exception of my boyfriend, although some parts of the account were underplayed because i didnt know how to express them). 

I should say here that my friend and i have talked about our relationship, and are on a level (i think) about how we feel. They are single, so i obviously am also very mindful that i dont want to give them misleading messages about how i feel sometimes. 

Whats the fix? Do i cut off from my friend to silence those lingering semi romantic feelings, or is that not the main issue here? Do i need a justification to not be with someone even if they are wonderful and i love them? Am i just being dumb? All pretty standard qs but just in case anyone has an angle as yet unconsidered! 

Submitted October 01, 2020 at 08:24AM by clafoutisss https://ift.tt/3jku9HX