Most of the time, my boyfriend and I get along great and we have been together for over a year. He is very high functioning and to others appears to be a charming, funny guy without fail. That being said, we keep getting in these fights over seemingly nothing, and I think it's because I genuinely don't know how to explain my feelings to him in a way he'll understand.
Examples:
1) He went out drinking and partying the night before he promised to come over and spend time with me in the morning because I was sick. He was too hungover the next day to come over, and I tried to explain that I was upset and sad that he essentially chose prioritizing partying over supporting me when I asked him to. His argument was that I couldn't prove that he was actually hungover and not suffering from another illness. I tried to explain that even if it was another illness, he undoubtedly exacerbated it by drinking so heavily anyways, but if he was JUST sick then I obviously wouldn't have minded that he had to cancel. He told me that he wouldn't have agreed to making a plan to come see me in the first place if I was going to make him feel so badly if he cancelled later. He now refuses to make plans whatsoever, and I'm only allowed to call him to ask if he wants to hang out/come over at the time of the phone call, and won't make plans a day or even a morning in advance.
2) I told him that I disliked his friend Jenna's friend Jordan. I told my boyfriend that I wasn't going to tell Jenna that Jordan was rude to me, because I would rather avoid the confrontation and just continue to put up with Jordan on the rare occasions that we all hang out in a group setting. My boyfriend then told me that he had to tell Jenna that I didn't like her friend. I asked why, and he said that he could no longer tolerate being in a room with Jordan now that he knew she was rude to me, and when Jenna noticed that she would ask him why that is. He then said that he would not lie to Jenna and does not want me to put him in a position to have to lie for me, which he will not do. I explained that he could just work on tolerating Jordan in group settings as that was how I had decided to handle the conflict for myself, and he said that he would be unable to do so. I then said that I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to not have to censor myself around him if the things I told him in confidence couldn't stay private. He said that he doesn't wish for me to tell him any secrets regarding people that he may have to interact with whatsoever. I said that I wanted to have a partner that I could be uninhibited with and "that's the whole point" of having a partner- being able to be completely open with them and tell them anything, This statement implied that being able to tell my partner anything was the only point to having a partner, even though I only meant it to pertain to this conversation and acknowledge that a good partnership consists of more than just good communication. I clarified this, but was told that he disagrees fundamentally and does not want me to ever tell him secrets about someone he may have to interact with.
tldr; Do you have any advice on how I can avoid conflicts in the future, and how do I convey my feelings to my boyfriend in a way that he'd be more likely to understand?
Submitted October 25, 2020 at 05:29PM by prettydamnnaive https://ift.tt/31KAp4N
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