My wife cheated on me 8 years ago, right after we started dating, and I want to forgive her. Am I doing the right thing?

My (29m) wife (32f) and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. Last week, she confessed that she went behind my back and had sex with her ex-boyfriend 4 weeks after I asked her to be my girlfriend. While I lost my shit when she told me, I've been trying to rationalize the situation and see it for what it was. Yes, cheating... But was it so bad? I really want the community's perspective on how I should be thinking about this. I honestly don't want a divorce, so I'm trying to come to terms with it, but the blind rage I have is causing me to focus non-stop on the fact that "she cheated". I have therapy scheduled next week, so hoping that helps, but looking to Reddit in the meantime.

Last week, she sat me down and told me she had to come clean about something she did very early in our relationship. Of course, I immediately assumed infidelity, and I was right. She said that one night, 4 weeks after I asked her to be my girlfriend, she went over to her ex's house to talk and ended up having sex with him one final time. She expressed that she couldn't handle the guilt any longer, and had to come clean, and was sorry for hurting me. She knew she would never do it again, so rather than hurt me, she decided to keep it to herself forever. I've seen that advice given on Reddit before, so I understand (i.e. "If it was a one time thing, and you'll never do it again, live with the guilt and don't burden your partner with the pain just to rid yourself of your own guilt.").

Now, here's the context:

• I met her when she was still dating her ex, who she had been with for 6 years. I knew they were going through a rough patch, but we were just friends. We shared a college class and studied together occasionally.
• She would tell me stories about his emotional/verbal abuse. She would show me texts from him with pictures of girls that "she needed to try to look more like". Really mean messages saying she would never be tall enough, skinny enough, etc. He picked her clothes out, told her how to do her makeup, etc. A very controlling, abusive guy.
• One day, about a month after we met, she texts me saying that he dumped her. He said that after 6 years, he realized that he can "do better", and wanted to be with girls that were more attractive.
• Literally right after they broke up, we started going on dates. Soon enough, we were having sex and hanging out more. She rebounded straight onto me after she got dumped, but I was OK with it. I was getting laid, and she was using me to get over her ex-boyfriend. Win-win in my book.
• For a time perspective, they had the "breakup" discussion on November 28th, and I asked her to be my girlfriend on January 7th. There were only 5 weeks between her getting dumped by her ex-bf of 6 years, and me jumping head first into asking her to be my exclusive girlfriend. Why did I do it? Who knows. Looking back, I was an idiot. I was 21 and I fell for this girl I thought was amazing (she was my one-itis). I knew she probably needed space and to be single for a bit, but I was also scared that some other guy would "snatch her up". I was insecure and I felt like I had to seize my opportunity. Now, at 29, I would never dream of doing such a thing, but I was young and stupid. We're married now though, so I guess it worked out.
• Her ex-boyfriend lived with her for the whole first month we dated. They had moved in with each other several years prior and he started looking for a house after they broke up. Was I OK with it? Not really, but they slept in separate bedrooms, hardly spoke, and he was dating other girls too.
• On February 1st, he finally moved out and got his own place. She's 2-months post breakup, and 1 month into an exclusive relationship with me. When he moved out, that's when he started texting/calling her to say he hadn't had any luck with other women, and decided he wanted her back. She showed me these texts. He was basically saying that he thought he could get a "hotter" girl, but was realizing he couldn't and was willing to take her back and settle with her. She told him no and that he needed to move on.
• What she tells me is that a week after he moved into his new house, her ex-boyfriend's parents flew into town to help him settle into his new place, and wanted to see her, as they were close. So, without telling me, she went over to his new house to see them one last time. After they left, she stayed behind to continue talking to him. He was telling her he could change, fix his abusive ways, etc. She says that he came onto her and they had sex. What she said is that after they had sex, they got into another fight about his porn addiction, talking to girls he compared her to throughout the relationship, basically him saying he refused to stop doing those things. She got upset, slept on the couch, and left in the morning without speaking to him.

So here we are. Sitting here 8 years later with this information. She's been a mess over it, as she sees how much it hurt me. What she tells me is the following:

• That she had mixed emotions in the beginning of our relationship, and was confused. She says she still had strong feelings for her ex when we started dating - and didn't really know what those feelings were.
• She wasn't ready for a new relationship, but did what I did to her - she agreed to be my girlfriend because she was afraid I would move on if she didn't say yes, but she thought I was a great guy and didn't want to lose me.
• She didn't tell him we were dating, as she didn't want to hurt him, thinking she had "moved on" so quickly. She says she was scared to tell him, but also thought there might have been a chance they could work things out.
• The "reality" of the breakup didn't set in until he moved out in early February.
• He texted her after he moved out, asking for a second chance, saying he could change and work on being a better partner - the same stuff she says he told her the night she went over and had sex with him.
• She says that after that night, she realized he would never change, and from that point was committed to me, and it never happened again. And that it provided closure.
  • With regard to it never happening again, I believe her. I remember in early February, he called her while I was at her house, and I told her she needed to tell him we were a couple. She did, and he went ballistic. He started calling her at odd hours of the night, crying, yelling at her, etc. He called her parents the following week saying he was going to hurt himself and/or her if he couldn't have her back. They relayed this to her, lawyer'd up, and she got a restraining order against him.

So, Reddit... What to do, what to do... We've had an amazing 8-year relationship, and our marriage has been awesome. I love this woman to death and she's my best friend. She’s been by my side every bit of the way, and I don’t have any reason to believe she’s been unfaithful since that night. With the aforementioned context, I feel like this is something I "should" be able to get over, but I'm still hurt by the betrayal and the lying by omission. Considering the circumstances surrounding the beginning of our relationship, do you think this is something I should put behind me?

Tl;Dr: Wife cheated on me during the first month of our relationship with her recently-split ex of 6 years. We’ve had 8 great years since and I’m conflicted as to whether my forgiveness is appropriate. I can see her side and the reasons she cheated, but I’m also hurt.

Submitted October 28, 2020 at 03:07PM by maybeso51 https://ift.tt/3myshfS