tl;dr husband stopped having sex/trying to conceive with me and says he can't see himself being a father until at least 3 years from now... I will be 37 by then. He won't compromise with me! I'm afraid if I leave him now and start over, I'll just end up the same age (37) and trying for kids with someone else.
My husband and I stopped using protection when I was 32 and he was 26 (he is six years younger than me).
I was in no rush to get pregnant the first year. We were focused heavily on our careers, and took a passive approach. As the year went on, I slowly grew more curious about why I wasn't getting pregnant.
As soon as I hit 33, I began feeling time pressure and A LOT of worry that it still hadn't happened yet. I immediately got serious and implemented timed intercourse, OPK strips, temperature-taking, charts, supplements, you name it.
My new seriousness seemed to be off putting to my husband. He became less and less interested in sex. I had discussions with him to try to make sex more light hearted and fun for him, but there were certain days of the month where we just needed to do it and he was hindering it by "not being in the mood." Prior to this year of serious trying, we were having sex 4-5x week. Over the past year, it dropped to 3x month!
And that brings us to today, I am now 34. I was discussing our future plans (suggesting we take his mom's offer to move into her mountain home to save a downpayment for our own home, and also saying we needed to get the ball rolling on fertility testing). And... he just flipped on me. Told me that he was only 28 and watching his similar aged peers only now just getting engaged, not even close to trying for kids, and felt he had several years and many more international trips and whatever else still left to experience. Said that sex with me had become mechanical. Said that when we seriously started trying, he realized he was going to have two people depending on him and it was totally freaking him out because he's not where he wants to be in his career.
When I asked if we could compromise, and do some of the trips and hit some specific financial milestones, his response shocked me: he doesn't see himself as a father until at least 3 years from now.
I told him this is insane, and we agreed when we got married to have kids by the time I am 35, like I specifically made this a pre-condition of marriage BECAUSE he is so much younger than me. And now he doesn't even want to start trying until I am 37?! I explained the increased risk of birth defects and difficulty conceiving, and he doesn't want to listen. He stopped having sex with me and has been sleeping in the spare room. He told me he loves me deeply, but if his life goals are that incompatible with mine, that he understands if I can't stay with him.
I am completely devastated. Even if I divorced him now, it would still take me months (years?) of dating to fall in love and find someone who I want to marry, and then we'd have to date for at least a couple of years to assess compatibility. In the very best case scenario, I'd be getting married around age 37 and trying for kids with this hypothetical imaginary man, which is the same age my current husband, whom I love dearly and do NOT want to divorce, says I have to wait.
I guess I'm just looking for support, and maybe hear some perspectives from all of you about what you would do in this situation?
Thank you.
Submitted October 29, 2020 at 07:34PM by anonfuckedupmess https://ift.tt/37SJWdX
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