My boyfriend Tim [32M] constantly brings up things from the past and it's honestly making me [30F] lose my mind to the point where I punched myself in the face from pure frustration.

Tim and I have been dating for over a year. Have been friends for 10 years. Lost touch for most of that time. Rekindled our friendship last year and started dating. I love him to bits. I really feel like we could have a strong future together besides this one issue that may be a deal breaker for me.

Tim has a horrible habit of bringing up past issues that are so far in the past I've entirely forgotten about it and they're (in my opinion) not big issues. Just minor things that he'll dig out for ammunition in fights and arguments. So when we fight about something not only do i have to fight about the current issue but I have to refight and redefend myself about the past issue which takes hours. We don't fight a lot but when we do they can be explosive because Tim is the most stubborn person and it honestly has driven me to punch myself before. Yes I gave myself a black eye once because I was becoming so fucking frustrated. He'll claim in the moment he didn't want to fight about the thing that bothered him so he'll wait weeks later to bring it up and fight over it which I think is bullshit. I don't think in the moment he was mad about anything and just makes up that he has something as backup for a current fight.

For example, when he gets really mad, he'll start saying really mean things to me like how he's miserable and I treat him like shit when I should be grateful for him for not forcing me to pay rent. And to be clear I am utterly grateful and show it everyday so I don't understand where he gets this from. He makes it seem like I'm this horrendous monster who yells and screams at him. I tell him he's literally making all this up and then he'll whip out a few examples that he always runs back to that I admit wasn't I wasn't at my best but I have apologized profusely for these examples -

Back in I think May of this year, Tim wanted to stop by his parents house (10 minutes away) to grab a plant from them. It was one of the first really hot days of the year I remember which was surprising because it's May but it was well into the high 20s and I was wearing pants and a sweater because I just assumed it wasn't going to be that hot outside and sure that's my fault for not checking the weather. Tim tells me it's literally going to be a 10 minute exchange of the plant and saying hello and that's it. I asked him again if it's really just going to be 10 minutes and he said yes. We get there and I also get out of the car to say hi on the driveway. Because covid we were standing a bit back from each other. We say hi, and his Mom offers some lunch for us on the back patio. Tim immediately says sure! And I look at him like "what??" because 10 minutes. 3 hours later and we're still on the patio and the sun is beating down on me and I am dying of heat and sweat. I was getting a massive headache from it and I wasn't at all hungry because of it and embarrassingly left much of my food on my plate but I felt sick. Finally I asked Tim if we could go and he looked annoyed but we did. When we get in the car he asked me what that was all about and I admit i had an attitude and said I was extremely hot and I thought that was only going to be 10 minutes but I should have known it was going to be almost 4 hours and I would have just liked a little heads up if we were going to spend the whole afternoon there. We start raising our voices at each other and he was basically insinuating I hate his parents and why couldn't I just put on a smile for them and I yes I yelled at this part because I DID put on a smile! I told him I was charming as fuck still despite wanting to pass out and I still kept the conversation alive and I was so pissed how he didn't even acknowledge that. So that example he LOVES to bring up in every single fight to showcase how I treat him like shit. And I even apologized honestly 20 times for it saying I shouldn't have given him attitude.

Next example is we were on the city visiting friends in February and I got a bit drunker than I normally would have liked. Tim was driving so he only had a couple beers. On the way home, I really wanted McDonald's and I was trying to find a McDonald's on the way home. Shockingly there wasn't just a McDonald's on the way out of the city and the closest one was 10 minutes out of the way but I begged Tim if we could go because I didn't eat much for dinner and that I would pay for us to eat Mcdicks. When we get there, I noticed I didn't have my debit card on me and I was freaking out. He was annoyed and rightfully so because I admit the situation was annoying. We're standing in line and I asked him if he was mad at me a lot (because hey I'm drunk and I annoyingly didn't have my debut when I said I'd pay) he pays and when we get home I take my bra off and oops there was my debit card in my bra. Totally forgot I put it in there for safe keeping. He was pissed at me because apparently I treated him like shit somehow. I kept asking how??? I said yes I was annoying and I'm forever sorry but how did I treat him like shit and he says because when we were standing in line I would ask him with attitude if he was mad at me. And this is something he STILL brings up almost 9 months later. He still whips it out every fight like he's justified in still being mad about it, like it's a final boss in our fight and I should be scared stiff about it but really I'm so fucking mad that he's even bringing it up for the 9th time.

And other little dumb examples that he loves to claim I "treat him like shit" for like if he comes home 15-20 minutes late from work I simply just look at the time and ask "oh wow bad traffic or something" and he immediately thinks I'm accusing him or giving him attitude when really I'm just curious what took so long. He'll say I over dramatically pointed at the time with a mad look at me face when Jesus christ that couldn't even be farther from the truth like I'm worried how he actually just made up some of my actions. And also I guess I'm not allowed to ask questions??

One last thing. Whenever I tell him that I've apologized for these instances over and over and over and over again he'll yell how he "doesn't want apologies he wants to see action" and that again drives me crazy because he makes it seem these are weekly occurrences but they're not! And I ask him to give me an example of a recent time and he said the coming home late from work thing and I just like... Can't believe it. I tell him I can't be a perfect little angel 24/7 and people are allowed to be moody sometimes! Like anytime I'm quiet or sad or even in a bad mood not at all aimed at him he takes it personally so then I have to just cheer the fuck up so he doesn't use this as another example of "me treating him like shit". Of course after he's calmed down he'll apologize for saying those things and he didn't mean he was miserable and that's really happy with me but he just gets so mad in the moment but rinse and repeat like a month or so later.

Fights like these have me so fucking exhausted and yes sometimes I become inconsolable because he just makes me feel so fucking crazy that I end up becoming frantic. I DO plan on seeking therapy for this because I don't like how I handle it when Tim gets this way and I wish I could just remind myself he's being so fucking ridiculous and to just walk away.

Tldr: my boyfriend frustrates me so badly during fights because he digs up insignificant things from the past

Submitted October 29, 2020 at 02:22PM by howdoyoulikemenow1 https://ift.tt/3mztJOT