My(36M) wife(31F) is miserable in her current situation and I think she's being unreasonable. Am I insane?

tl;dr: My wife feels like the victim in her life. How do I help her see that she has agency?

My(36M) wife(31F) is in college. She’s taking remote classes. Both her and I are unemployed. She lost her job in February, unrelated to COVID. I’m an entrepreneur and lost my contracts in March due to COVID. I’ve been working my butt off building a new business since then. However, it’s not making much money yet.

My wife has been looking for a job for about 3 weeks. Prior to this, she had said she was too stressed to look for a job and the thought of working for someone else was too much to take. She blames her past firings on the fact that she is black. So rather than look for a job, I’ve supported her in exploring starting a two different businesses, both of which she’s spent a lot of time on and a decent amount of money.

Every penny that I make goes to help her pay for her tuition. I’ve stopped all of my normal supplements (I use natural supplements for ADHD and some stomach issues), stopped eating foods that I like, and have handed over every cent I have to help her pay for her tuition. Literally everything goes to her and I check in with her before spending any money. Also, I never invested a dime into my business, but have been able to get contracts from the beginning with only an investment of time. She has never acknowledged any of this.

I don’t have a relationship with my parents. I ended it about four years ago due to years of abuse, manipulation, and disrespect. My parents still contact me from time to time, but there’s always strings attached. My wife’s mother is in and out of rehab (a perpetual drug user for the last 20 years) and her father is a ghost who calls every once in a while but no one has seen him in years.

During the first week of dating, I told her that I had no relationship with my parents and I wouldn’t have one in the future. Since we got married, she’s begun demanding that I introduce her to my parents. Now that she needs money for school, she’s saying that she resents me for not keeping a relationship with my parents and says “If you needed money you could just call your parents and ask them for it!” This may be true, but only if I was in a serious medical situation, not for tuition in my 30’s.

She recently asked her step-father for a loan for tuition, and he said no. He told her that this was her decision, and she was responsible for the outcome. He also told her that she should wait to do college until she could afford the tuition and the time. This made her livid. She said none of this was her decision. She believes she’s a victim of external circumstances.

My wife also has full custody of her 6-year-old sister. She’s had full custody for about 18 months. My wife talks and acts as though everything is happening to her. She acts as though she didn’t have any choice in taking full custody of her sister. I understand her viewpoint, but she doesn’t see the “I had no choice” position as actually being a choice.

Regarding her sister, I am now called "dad" by her and I'm the only male figure in her life. I love the little girl to death.

We met in December 2019, got married in August 2020, so it was a fast turn around and we’re still getting to know each other. Right after getting married, she wanted me to become a co-guardian of her sister. This would make me legally her father and survive a divorce. I told her we needed to wait and get an understanding of exactly what would happen if we separated first. She was livid about that and said that I clearly wasn’t prepared for the relationship. She has made it clear that she expects me to put in no less than 50% of the effort in raising her sister. I take on a TON, but it’s impossible to do even 50%, because my wife is so specific on how things should be done. In practice, I’ll start helping her sister with homework, get her to clean her room, get her ready for school, etc, and then my wife steps in and takes over. I literally cannot do 50% and I tell her this - and she tells me she can do whatever she wants as she’s sole guardian, so deal with it. I don’t disagree, but I literally cannot do 50% of the work with her sister in the current situation. Regardless, I’ve taught her sister to ride a bike, skateboard, and played a massive role in teaching her to read and do math. I spend one-on-one time daily with her sister - something that she rarely does. (Her sister says that she spends time with my wife by sitting next to her on the couch watching shows on their respective iPads).

Additionally, she treats her situation in school as though it simply happened to her. She started university right out of high school but didn’t complete it because she “didn’t know what she wanted to do.” She has traveled around the world in the meantime, and is now in a position where she MUST finish school now in order to maintain her scholarships. But she acts as though she’s been forced into this position by everyone else in her life.

She’s miserable right now. Nothing is right. She is always upset, snapping at me and her sister. She blew up yesterday saying “all I’m good for is cooking and cleaning!” Yet, I objectively do 40-60%+ of the housework on any given day (I had cooked every meal yesterday, and the day before, she had only washed a few dishes, leaving many unwashed).

I don’t think she’ll be able to be happy until she recognizes that she has agency and is in control. Every time I try to speak with my wife, I end up feeling like an asshole for bringing up my feelings and issues.

How do I deal with my wife here? How can I get her to understand that she is making her own decisions in life and that none of this stuff is happening to her. I have not told her “these are your decisions.” I’m not that dense. I’m at a loss.

UPDATE: This afternoon she told me that she was planning a discussion between her two classmates to discuss an idea for a business that she has. It has objectively zero opportunity to make money. In the meantime, she doesn't have a job. She said that it's unfair that I can run more than one business (I had started one and gotten involved in a second simultaneously to hedge my bets, but now I focus on just one). I told her that my businesses have required zero investment other than my time, but her school requires a massive investment. It spiraled down from there, with her saying she'll just quit school because "that's obviously what you want." She also told me she just wouldn't bring up any ideas to me anymore because this is how I treat her - nevermind all of the support I've given her other ideas.

Submitted October 30, 2020 at 03:18PM by throwra999x999 https://ift.tt/3oIEksT