My boyfriend insists I sound irritated or annoyed when I feel perfectly normal/happy & its tearing us apart

TLDR; My boyfriend keeps arguing that I sound rude & irritated when I dont feel that way at all. I could be in a happy mood & be told Im exuding an annoyed tone of voice & Idk what to believe.

(20F) (23M) my boyfriend and I keep clashing over the same argument; every so often he'll tell me Im talking to him rudely or irritably, sometimes annoyingly. This is often during a discussion/disagreement, he usually lets me know with some irritation of his own or he could get really mad about it and blow up. The problem is, 90% of the time I absolutely have no idea what he's talking about, these could be times Im very consciously paying attention to my vocal tone & words to make sure Im being kind, and/or I could literally be in a positive mood with no feelings of annoyance or irritability, but he still persists I have a tone of voice that conveys otherwise to him? :(

After he mentions it what usually follows is me being very very confused, saying that I honestly didnt feel that way, I felt positive/happy, I wasnt irritated at all, or reiterating that I was actually paying really close attention to my tone so I believe I didnt entirely sound that way and I always try to apologise just incase e.g. Im sorry if I came across that way, I didnt intend to. He tells me this is dismissing him, and he tells me I sound so rude & I literally go into a panic attack every time because I feel so so confused especially when I know I was in a positive mood! Its so frustrating! I dont know where the problem lies, he says its not what I say but its how I sound!

Ive only had one other partner refer to me as condescending (never irritable or rude) & everyone of their friends told me they were infact the condescending one, no one has ever told me I frequently sound rude or irritable, however I wonder if I really do. Its driving me crazy. My boyfriend is a very empathetic person, however we just wont stop arguing over this. He gets so worked up and its killing our relationship. As soon as I try to share my perspective by saying I felt differently than he observed, he b l o w s u p.

Hes only been in one other long term relationship (3 years) and she was very abusive, I know her personally so I know this is true. She gaslights and gaslights, however so does his dad. These are two people hes been traumatised by in his life and I often wonder if his perception of me being irritable or rude is due to past experiences, however that sounds like Im just blaming his trauma. I want to know for sure who is miscommunicating, what on earth do I do? Who is in the wrong? How do I even know?!

Submitted October 30, 2020 at 02:22PM by throwaway879901679 https://ift.tt/3oJVd6f