Feeling like my parents (early 60’s) have always displayed favoritism toward my brother (29M) over myself (26F)

It’s a little long, there’s a lot of backstory here and I apologize for that.

So this isn’t just a recent thing going on. A bit of backstory: my parents raised us to believe that we had to go to college. There was no other choice for us, no one would hire us otherwise, we’d live in poverty, this was the only way etc etc. They didn’t even tell us that we had college funds until late high school, and because of this my brother and I dealt with this anxiety they gifted us in different ways. He worked his ass off throughout high school, President of the National honors society, solo songs in the yearly musical production our school was known for, basically everything you can imagine to do well as the perfect student, he did. I on the other hand was shy, and with an undiagnosed case of ADD (that I therefore of course received no help with), I would make decent grades with an above average GPA, but still they would always compare me negatively to him. It felt like I was living in his shadow.

I was treated differently in many respects. On my brothers 17th birthday they gifted him a laptop, when my 17th birthday came around I had expected one, but didn’t get one. They used punishment methods on me (taking away electronics, computer time, what have you, anything I liked) when with him it was a reward system. I would say to them that it was unfair and they’d basically throw the grades and extra curriculars back in my face and say that that was why.

Little things bothered me too growing up, like how when he had a baseball game or orchestra concert or anything the whole family had to be in attendance. When I had a cross country meet or an art show I usually got one parent to come. Sometimes two, but usually just one. They never made him go to my things, and all of this left me with a feeling of not being valued as much. I would say it’s unfair and they would say “life’s not fair”, and point out his accomplishments. And mine always seemed minuscule and like let-downs in comparison.

Shit I just remembered, in high school parents could buy pages in the yearbook and dedicate them to their kids, my brother got one when he was a senior, and he didn’t really appreciate the photos they chose to use. So a couple years later when my senior yearbook came out I was excited looking in the back of the book for my page, but there wasn’t one. When I asked my mother why she said “well your brother said he didn’t like his, so we didn’t want to waste money buying one for you in case you didn’t like yours.” So without saying anything to me, they just didn’t.

So after he graduated high school he got a full ride scholarship to a really good college in the area. My parents were ecstatic, and then they did something I still find so stupid even from an objective standpoint, they gave him -an 18 year old boy fresh out of high school- his entire college fund to spend at his leisure. He ended up taking an expensive trip with his then-girlfriend, and blowing the entire thing. So imagine my parents shock when a couple years into college he lost his scholarship (this is important).

He ended up graduating, but not doing anything with his major as he had decided he wanted to pursue his craft, working in shops and things and within the last couple years he moved in with his much older, more financially stable girlfriend, who helps him financially way more than he contributes (not a speculation on my part, she and I have talked, but I digress). A few months back he quit his last shop job and started his own business out of their home.

Now I myself did get into a college, got a small scholarship but it was zilch in comparison to his full ride. I worked through school (got diagnosed with ADD, big life realization for me as I had always worried that my parents telling me I was “just lazy” was true). I graduated, worked a casual job for a bit until I finally got a nice decently-paying job that my parents were proud of me for having. I would be lying if I said part of this wasn’t probably me trying to be the star child for once- but for once, I actually was. I was doing everything right at least, I had a good job with a retirement plan and benefits and everything, and they have even stressed to me that I should NOT quit it... even though it has been mentally and emotionally destroying me for the last few years and I have told them so. I recently moved into an apartment but housing costs are so high around the area that I’m barely breaking even and I have cried to my mother about this multiple times. She listens and says I can move back in with them for $300 a month which may be my only choice soon based on how things are looking.

So now that we’re caught up, the other night I was hanging out with my brother and somehow the topic of student loans came up, he started to say “yea but my pa-“ then stopped himself. I asked that he continue and he basically told me that they told him not to tell me, but they had been paying his student loans, not all of them he said, but for a while now.

Let me tell you. I pay for this apartment now. I pay for the extra add on bills that come with that, that I’ve also mentioned to my mother before, about how much it all is. But also I have student loans that I have been paying since I got out of school. Never once did they offer to help (and I know that’s why they told him not to tell me). Not any of the times I was crying about my savings diminishing, not once. On top of that, I have car payments each month because they did gift me one car, my grandmothers that died after about 2-3 years of me having it, hence me having to buy my own. They have given him two perfectly functioning cars, one that he destroyed and another that he is still driving today, absolutely free.

And I feel like I sound spoiled complaining. I know so many people’s parental situations are so much worse. But deep down it’s not about the money or gifts or whatever for me, it’s about the lack of equality. When we were young they could use “he got better grades!” as an excuse to treat him better I guess, but now look at the situation. I am using my degree like they wanted, have a good job like they wanted, and honestly don’t ask for a lot (and my parents don’t usually provide a lot either, if my mother gives me a $5 bill for me to use to do laundry she asks that I immediately paypal her back. And I do.)

And my brother is not using his scholarship, he is living practically by the good graces of his girlfriend who is basically providing him housing and a workspace, just started a business and barely knows what saving is (I’ve told him to get Mint a thousand times, he doesn’t listen, he does enjoy purchasing beer/marijuana though with whatever money he does have despite owing me $300 for a year now). (Also by the way I do love my brother very much despite what I say maybe sounding like complaints or criticisms, it’s more me trying the give the facts of our situations).

So in this world where I worked my way to the “top” (either subconsciously or consciously I really can’t say) to finally do everything “right” according to their standards, they still are giving him things that they don’t give me. Still offering to help him where they wouldn’t offer to help me. And hearing about the student loans last night, I wasn’t in the least bit surprised. And that hurt. It felt like no matter what I did I would never be as worthy of their love as he was. It was never fair, never even close to fair, and it still isn’t even when our situations are reversed.

Now I don’t know what to do. I know my mother and I feel like if I bring this up to her she will either lie, tell me I’m unappreciative of all they have given me, or say it’s because he is in a “tough spot right now” where I’m not (a spot that he chose to put himself in, when I am stressed at work all the time but I tough it out because that’s what they’ve told me to do).

I want to distance myself from them at least emotionally but my mother just got diagnosed in the very very early stages of breast cancer (so probably safe but still could turn serious), and I see them often because my packages and mail still get delivered to their house, and if I don’t find much more affordable housing by June I may have to move back in with them. Where they’ll charge me $300 rent to live in my childhood bedroom where my boyfriend isn’t allowed to spend the night.

Please help. I don’t want to feel this way but since I learned it I’ve just felt a bit emptier. All of those situations from my past just rose to the forefront of my mind again and it has really been hurting me.

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

TL;DR - Recently got a reminder that my parents who have always shown favoritism toward my brother probably still do. Spent the past few years trying to prove that I am as good as he is and I feel heartbroken that this is the way things still are. Looking for advice.

Submitted March 05, 2020 at 06:22PM by anonymoussadsis https://ift.tt/39rsknn