I [39M] have been told by my partner of 3 years [45F] that my decision not to have children is causing ongoing pain and anger for them

We started dating over 3 years ago, and from an early point (around 3 months) she indicated that she wanted to have a child with me.

I have two children already 12 and 10, and am mid-divorce from my ex of 10 years (pre separation) marriage [44F] after 9 years of separation. Will come back to that.

I concluded that due to my age now, my financial situation, my desire not to compromise my parenting of my current children I not willing to have a child with her or anyone, and that I would understand if she didn't want to be with me and respect that decision.

The subject continued to come up over and over, and a few times we used the pull out method as we both preferred unprotected sex, and had both been screened. She took this as me being uncertain and willing to 'take a chance and if it happens it happens' which I indicated was not the case. So I arranged to get a vasectomy, and she agreed to come with me.

I felt the matter was put to rest, and everything was fine from my perspective. After a year or so I was willing to let her try and integrate into my children's life, but there was no pressure to do so, and I am content to have a partner to spend my time with when I don't have the kids, but equally if they were willing to make an effort and be a positive influence then I would welcome this also.

We tried and being around my kids didn't work for her. She says she isn't a kids person, but she does say 'it would be different if they were hers'. I should mention she also has a variable disability of CFS, which can take her out of actions for weeks and months at a time, and has not worked since the first few months of our relationship. She is also on antidepressants for depression and anxiety.

Over time I saw a few signs of jealousy towards my ex partner, and my partner said that getting the divorce would put her mind to rest. Because I knew I would have to someday do the divorce, I began the process. It started with mediation, but this hit a brick wall. So I begin proceedings this year. It's not going to well so far, and neither can find a position acceptable to the other so I'm facing a long expensive court battle.

I felt we were doing ok. We had several holidays, the sex was good, we text every day and always text goodnight when we aren't together. I think about her all the time. I support her with her disability and mental health issues. I encourage her to try and build a social life. I trust her faithfulness to me, and any issues we have we talked through and felt we both had reached compromise and acceptance.

In the last few weeks my current partner has been changing antidepressant, and started with a new therapist, and suddenly my world is upside down. It started last week, immediately after her session, she cancelled our plans for the evening. I asked what was wrong and asked to come over. Apparently:

• I have deeply hurt her by having a vasectomy (thought this was laid to rest, and that she had chosen to stay).

• I have talked too much about ex (when talking about divorce I mentioned some the issues that lead us there. She said she never wanted to know these things, and it was hurtful to her. I apologised and was very careful not to talk about this from that point on).

• She is angry with me for my choice and feels like I'm exploiting and using her, and that she doesn't mean anything to me.

We talked, and cuddled, and things seemed ok again. We had a normal week. Then Friday night was her next session. The difference this weekend is I have my kids, so couldn't go and talk to her. Immediately after her session she texted to say she feels unsafe and insecure in our relationship. That she is very angry with me, and that I have deeply hurt her and caused extreme insecurities. We texted until her medication kicked in. I was then awake all night, deeply upset. Today, I got on with my child care and then in the evening texted her and asked if she wanted to text more or wait until tomorrow. Her reply was that she can tell she's not a priority cause I waited all day to text her, and came across very cold. We agreed to talk in person tomorrow.

This behaviour is so out of character for her. I'm torn between believing she is finally showing a side I never saw, or that she is suffering from a withdrawal complication from the medication. Or therapy may have let her get in touch with her true self.

Tldr;

Uncertain if a sudden issues my partner has with me and our relationship and re-emergence of issues I believed settled is due to recent change in her medication, or genuine self reflection due to recent start of therapy.

My question is, would it be unfair break up over this? Should I suggest some time apart instead? I am worried it is unfair to close the door completely on her, as her emotions might return to normal, and that I'd be throwing away the best relationship I've had over a temporary glitch.

It's now 4am and I have 12 hours to prepare what I want to do and say when I see her. She might already be planning to break up with me anyway, but I don't know.

Submitted September 21, 2019 at 07:44PM by throwawayblamed39 https://ift.tt/31FXF1O