I [25F] feel very insecure without a best friend, feat. jealous and obsession with being the "favorite"

Ever since I can remember, I've felt the need to latch on to one person. I want a favorite friend and I want to be their favorite. I went through "best friends" almost every year or two in grade school. They clearly weren't very healthy relationships, considering they didn't last very long. When I was very young, I even had my "best friend" (whoever it was at the time) regularly reassure me that we were best friends, that I was their favorite friend. Once when I was 8, I wrote a note asking my friend to rank her friends with percentages (as in 100% was the person she liked best, etc). I'm not sure what psychosis led to this behavior, because I grew up in a supportive, loving family. I'm very embarrassed by my behavior as a child.

I've grown up a lot, and I'm not as toxic. Right now I have an amazing group of friends. There are 5 of us. I do have a favorite amongst them - a girl to whom I am closest. Let's call her Sarah.

I want Sarah to be my best friend, and I want her to be my best friend. It's not enough that I feel closest to her and our friendship is special -- it hurts me that I am not her "favorite." I want the "best friends" label.

However, she seems closest to another girl in our group. Which should be okay! It is okay! There is nothing wrong with that! I know that logically, and I make sure my behavior does not reflect what I'm feeling. I hate that I'm jealous of my friends. Why can't being in a great group of friends be enough? Why do I need to "claim" someone as my best friend in order to feel secure?

I don't know why I feel this way, and I know my thoughts are toxic. I'll readily accept criticism and advice, but please don't be rude -- I know that my mindset isn't healthy and I don't push it onto other people. It's an inner turmoil that I'm facing. The reason I'm posting here is because I cannot discuss this with my friends.

TL;DR: I feel like I need a best friend in my friend group because I need to be someone's favorite.

Does anyone have any advice? Can anyone relate to this? I feel crazy.

UPDATE: I really appreciate your comments and advice. I think I needed a push to seek therapy for this issue, and you guys gave me that. I want to find out why I seek this external validation and work on becoming a healthier person. Thank you, Reddit xx

Submitted September 25, 2019 at 10:48AM by popcornkitsune https://ift.tt/2lKybRg