My (31F) husband (31M) recently left me in the middle of a debilitating illness and I’m finding it hard to believe his reasons aren’t related to that.

My husband and I have been married for 15 months, but have been together for 10 years. We’ve been happy, but two months into our marriage, I got sick and was diagnosed with a neurological disorder that causes debilitating headaches. I’ve been in and out of the hospital, undergoing varying treatments, and we had to move in with his parents to help us carry both the financial burden and hardship of my disability. He has been unfailingly by my side. He is a stoic man but present all the same. Everyone said the first year of marriage is hard but we definitely got dealt a shit hand! Before this, we traveled, like to be outdoors, had parties and were a pretty active couple.

Well, towards the end of the summer, my husband wanted to take a trip with some of his friends and I gave him a hard time about it. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t. I had some resentment about being home alone, missing out on the fun, plus I was in the midst of a really bad flare and I legitimately felt like his timing was poor (not to mention he dropped the news on me a few hours before he left). Anyway, I ultimately bid him farewell and when he got home, I never said another word about it. I was very positive when he came home and even helped him nurse his horrible hangover. He spent the next week avoiding me. Driving around in his car listening to music for hours, staying out all night without texting me (more on that below), and overall just not talking to me at all. Around this time, some of my treatments started having some positive results. I was having good days and my sister came into town from out of state. This was also when my husband started going to therapy which I’ve been wanting him to do for years to deal with his anxiety and communication issues.

Anyway, after my sister left he decided we needed to “hash things out” and brought up that he thought me feeling better while she was in town seemed “convenient” and that he was still pissed about the way I handled the river trip. He also said I never do nice things for him and he feels taken advantage of. He started bringing up issues that were 5, 6 years old. Said he felt like I would never change. Whoa. I honestly feel like I handled this with grace even though I was crying and visibly shaken. I told him as much as this hurt, I was happy he was communicating and that I would work on things and that I appreciate him so much and I don’t ever want him to feel taken for granted. Over the next week, I pushed myself past my illness to cook dinner for us, to clean for him, to tell him he looked nice before a big day at work, and to reward me with all of that, he continued to ignore me and went out drinking with friends again and didn’t come home. Without calling or texting. Twice. A conversation that I’ve had with him multiple times. “Don’t make me be a nag. I don’t care if you stay out. I’d prefer you not drive. Just text me. Let me know.”

The next week I had a cranial procedure scheduled in the ICU and while I should’ve had the support of my husband, I felt like he was a million miles away. I had asked him if he would go to couples counseling and he said he didn’t want to make any decisions right now. I told him that it was clear he wasn’t interested in working on our relationship so I was going to stay at my mom’s. I packed a bag for a week, just enough to get me through the hospital stay. I didn’t hear from him until the night before my procedure (4 days after I left) for him to say he hoped we could set our issues aside so that he could be there for my procedure. I was over the moon and took this as a sign that he still cared about me. I found out later that his dad told him to “man up” and be there for his wife. His parents aren’t too happy with the way he’s handling this. Most people on the outside are really shocked. My family, his family, our friends. After I was released from the hospital, he came by to tell me that we are separated and he needs space. He had nothing nice to say and basically blamed me for all of it. Again, I don’t do nice things. I have an unstable career, I don’t share in the responsibilities of a partnership (not financial- which just isn’t true unless he’s talking about this last year which I’ve been sick, hello). He said he was tired of being made out to be a guilty asshole. I tried to accept some responsibility and said “maybe I should’ve pushed myself harder” and he took that opportunity to attack me, saying it was unfair that he’s revolved his life around me for a year and I haven’t been “trying hard enough.” That’s not what I meant. So, I’m also seeing a counselor. I have no job and no money. I have access to his account (he gave me the check card) but my name isn’t on it. I’m trying to look for part time work but I’m really not in a position to hold down a job with my condition, despite seeing some improvement lately. Living with my parents is helpful, but it’s totally unfair that I’ve been completely misplaced with no security. He hasn’t checked on me once. I’ve read about Caretaker Burnout, but he swears it’s not about my illness, this is all stuff from before we got married. But we were SO happy last year at our wedding. He did drag his feet on proposing... we got together young and broke up around 23. Met again around 25 and have been back together ever since. Our issues have always been about his lack of commitment and communication. He is our primary source of income but I’ve usually held down a job making $30k ish until last September. He makes more than twice that and he has the health insurance that affords my specialists. Another huge stressor.

So, I’ve gone no contact in response to his request for space. I’ve gone to the house while he’s been gone and gotten most of my things. I’m sick so this wasn’t easy for me, but he had zero consideration and hasn’t said one word about my stuff being gone. Friends have told me “this is hard on him” which may be true but I haven’t seen it. I believe in our vows and want to be patient. But he’s broken his promise to be faithful in sickness and in health. I just don’t buy his reasons, especially since he doesn’t show any interest in working on the problems. How long should I wait? He’s given me no terms to this separation but I told him I’m absolutely not OK with him seeing or sleeping with other people and I also want a heads up before he files for a divorce. I think if he can go 6 weeks without checking on his wife that’s a pretty clear indication to me that he’s checked out. Or maybe up until the holidays. My therapist suggested a timeline to move on. Do people ever reconcile past separations and come out stronger? Obviously I’m going to have some expectations if that happens, like couples counseling to help me rebuild the broken trust. I’m so hopeful that he wakes up, because it seems like he’s just snapped. I just want my husband back, but I’m also hurt. And I don’t want to beg anyone to be with me or see what I’m worth. I also can’t make any promises about my health and I shouldn’t have to hide or feel guilty about needing support. Right now I’m trying to make healthy decisions like focus on myself since that’s what he’s doing. I’ve seen a lot of solid advice here and that’s what I’m hoping for.

TLDR: My husband asked for a separation citing differences from before we were married but I’m having a hard time believing that given the timing and I don’t know how to handle it.

Submitted September 27, 2019 at 04:35PM by brittawinger https://ift.tt/2muk179