My (38M) wife (33F) has been having an affair, worst part I can’t even say anything about it. I’m so heartbroken and frustrated having to pretend that everything is fine

Ok I’m not sure where to start, so I’ll try to just summarize everything that happened. We’ve been married for 8 years and no kids. We worked together for about 5 years so we were together 24/7 during that time, which makes it feel like an even longer relationship. My wife has a lot of mental and physical health issues. About a year ago we moved to a new state far away from her family and our friends (for a new job for me), which made her depression a lot worse. I did everything possible to try to help and be supportive but she wasn’t getting better. I took care of all the house chores, we went out as much as we could, we visited her parents a few times, they came and visited us, I suggested she seek professional help and even offered to go with her but she refused. As time went on, her depression got worse, she became withdrawn, always on her phone, staying up late, etc.

A few months back, I woke up in the middle of the night and turned around and she was on her phone chatting in a group named ‘my horny friends’ I get up and ask who was she talking to, she refuses to talk, shuts down her phone and says we can talk about it the next day. I left the bedroom and slept on the couch that night. The next day, she says I had no right asking her about who she talks to and that it’s her private life. I said I understand but at this point I don’t trust her and that what I saw was a pretty messed up thing to see. We get into a fight and I basically said that if I can’t trust her then this marriage is over, and that I need time to think of what to do next. I leave the house for a few hours to try to calm down, and she just sends me messages apologizing about what happened, sends me pictures of us together, videos from our wedding, etc. I didn’t respond for a while because I was pretty upset, then at some point I decide to go back to the house. I come home and find her passed out on the floor with the stove on. It turns out she basically tried to kill herself by overdosing on some prescription medication. Had I come home an hour later she would’ve been gone and the whole house would’ve been burnt down. I brought her to ER, she was incoherent but basically said that she’s very sorry about her behavior and that just can’t handle us not being together. I reassured her that I loved her, told her that we can work everything out, but she needs professional help. She agreed to seek help and that we would even go to marriage counseling at some point once she gets her depression under control. At that point, I also told her parents (and only her parents) about everything that happened, and I made arrangements for them to come visit us.

A few weeks pass by, she starts going to therapy and psychiatry, they start her on new antidepressants, and things start to get better. Her parents visit us and for the first time in a very long time we all agree that she’s doing better. A couple of weeks after her parents left, she had to travel abroad for work for a week. She goes there and then she basically stops responding to any of my messages/calls for a few days, then eventually responds sayings she was just busy. I didn’t make much of it, she then comes home after her trip was over. I pick her up from the airport around midnight or so, we come home, she says she wants a divorce and takes her already packed luggage and leaves. I call her parents and they fly out the next day, they meet with her and then they say that they will come to the house because she needs a few things. I ask them what’s going on and they say they don’t think the marriage will work out and that at the end of the day they will stand by her decision. They come by the house, she says she’s sorry, takes some of her belongings, and leaves not saying another word. I try to get any other information out of any of them but I get no where. Eventually, I manage to talk to her parents, I tell them that I love her and that I am very concerned about her mental state, I offered to leave the house so she can move back in and asked them to stay with her given everything that has happened. They agreed to me moving out but said they have to go back home to deal with some other urgent matters. I offered to pay for their airfare so they can go take care of whatever they needed to do and come back and they declined my offer. I took some clothes and moved out of the house, I met with my wife to give her the keys and asked her if we can talk. She basically told me that she’s been unhappy and that she wants to be on her own for a while. I assured her that I love her and that she can take all the time she needs. At this point, while the whole situation is unfair, given her mental state and everything else, I just wanted to do whatever it takes to help her.

A month later, I was expecting an important piece of mail that I had to sign for myself that was sent to the house, I leave her a few messages that I will be going there, I don’t hear from her. I get there and wait outside for the mailman, a couple of hours later a guy leaves our house to take our dog out for a walk, he then goes back to the house, I hear someone in the shower, then someone else goes in the shower, then they both come out. They see me and both walk away as if I am not there, I called out her name, she comes by herself, I asked who this guy was, she tells me his name and says he’s a friend and that they were hanging out the night before but he got too drunk to drive home, which was a lie because they then proceeded to leave together in her car. She then sent me a message saying that I had no right showing up unannounced and that she has already told me that she wanted a divorce, yet she refused to admit that there’s anything going on between them. I said I don’t think there’s any point in arguing about anything and that I will file for the divorce ASAP. She responded saying she has to travel for work again but she wants to be the one filing for it when she comes back. I agreed and left it at that.

I don’t hear from her for a few days, then she starts messaging me while she was abroad about how much she misses us, that she loved and that I should never doubt that. She then sends me a picture of herself sightseeing and I look at it and I see the reflection of the guy in the background. I look up the guy and find out (from his public instagram account) that he was traveling with her. It also turns out that he moved in with her one week after I moved out and that they’ve been living together since. I was so devastated, I went to see a lawyer, who basically told me that this is a no fault state when it comes to divorce, and that my best option (especially given her mental instability) is to just cut my loss do whatever I can to make the process quick and smooth. It also turned out that she’s accumulated a significant amount of credit card debt, but the lawyer said that we will have to split everything equally. He also told me that I can’t say anything about what I know (as far as the affair goes) or try to shame her or confront her because this will just make matters worse (especially with her previous suicide attempt) and if she doesn’t cooperate, then the divorce will drag on for a few years and cost a lot more money than it needs to be.

It’s been a few weeks since she came back, we are in the process of filing for the divorce, which is expensive, time consuming, and is expected to go on for another 6-8 months (if she continues to cooperate). However, she continues to reach out to me on almost a daily basis, telling me how much she misses me (while living with the other guy), how much she loves me and how she can’t live without me. If I don’t respond to her messages for even a few hours, she spirals out of control. She still continues to act like there’s no one else and I am somehow supposed to continue to reassure her that I still love her. She keeps sending me pictures of herself or of our dog (whom I miss so much), and I just don’t know what to do. I am so fed up with everything but I can’t say a word. I am so devastated and heartbroken and I am at the point where I get panic attacks whenever I get a text from her. I’ve been trying my best to stay positive but I just have so much on my mind and so many questions that I will never get an answer to. I don’t even know how long this affair has been going on. She won’t admit it, yet alone apologize for what she did. I know she’s mentally unstable but it still hurts so much. I just want out but it doesn’t seem like this will happen any time soon. It’s also obvious now that her parents knew all along but didn’t have the decency to tell me anything.

I omitted a lot of other things that have happened because I don’t want her to find out. My two choices seem to be 1) not say anything and continue to play along for another 6-8 months, pretending I don’t know anything and always reassuring her how much she means to me or 2) end all communications (for my own sanity) and risk her doing something to herself or at the very least drag this divorce for 2-3 years, which will impact both of us severely both mentally and financially. I just don’t know what to do anymore, any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR My wife has been having an affair, worst part I can’t even say anything about it. I’m so heartbroken and frustrated having to pretend that everything is fine, otherwise I risk her killing herself or at the very least go through a very lengthy and damaging divorce both financially and emotionally for both of us.

Submitted September 28, 2019 at 01:33PM by throwawayacct7869 https://ift.tt/2odDmdn