Original post for anyone interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/d864x4/not_sure_if_im_27_overreacting_to_bfs_30_joking/
I spoke to my bf the day after I responded to a lot of you. I decided I was going to talk to him one more time and set a boundary about these 'jokes' or tell him I wasn't moving in with him and that maybe we need to reevaluate the relationship. I told him I wanted to have a serious discussion and he immediately asked if I wanted to break up with him because he figured it was coming. I was taken back because I didn't expect that reaction. I didn't say anything at first, but then I told him that I wanted to talk to him about his jokes and, honestly, his behavior in general when it comes to people and making fun of them in such a mean way, especially when they ask him to stop. I also did a little reading on verbal abuse and abuse in general and things were a lot more clear.
So, he listened to me and then told me that he didn't like people trying to "change him" and that his last girlfriend had tried to do the same and she couldn't accept him for who he was; he thought I would be different because I was more understanding and fun. I'll admit, that is probably one of my flaws, that I try to understand everyone's position about most things and give them far too many chances, there are exceptions, but for the most part, I will try to understand someone and work with them on it. I asked him if she, his ex, and the overweight friend were the only ones who had left him over this behavior and he told me that he'd lost a lot of friends and dating was hard because women tended to cut out pretty quickly, again, in his words, because people are too sensitive and want him to change how he is. He seemed very stuck on being accepted as he is and angry about people trying to change him. I changed direction and asked him if he actually thought anything was wrong with what he said, I used my experiences, specifically, and told him about how I felt when we were looking at places and he said what he said to the potential landlords. He, of course, said they were jokes and that he'd never think less of me because of how much money I made because he kind of figured I didn't make a lot because of how I tended to do things. I asked him to elaborate and he said how I was always on things like Groupon or using coupons at stores or wanting to go out when places had specials or something and he was never around anyone who needed to do that type of thing. So, I told him that I did think he has a problem with people who earn less and don't live a similar lifestyle to him and that, maybe, he just didn't see it. That, sometimes, we are trying to be "good" because we have these thoughts of how we should be on the surface and we try to follow them, but when it's more close to home, our real feelings come out because we're faced with it more and I told him that was okay, but that I didn't think it would work for us, that he might be more comfortable with someone who makes the same amount as him and can contribute how he'd like. He interrupted me and told me he didn't want someone like that because he couldn't be himself around someone obsessed with money and material things (not what I said, btw); that they'd be too concerned with money and he liked me because I wasn't that way. I kind of ignored that, but it kind of told me that he either doesn't want someone who has as much "power" in the relationship as he has or he thinks women who want more/expect more of him are gold diggers or someone trying to take advantage in some way, I don't know. Anyway, I continued and told him that even if he felt they were just jokes, they were wearing on me and my self esteem and I couldn't live that way. I also told him that it's natural for people to not want to change when they've been a certain way for a long time and so it seems right to us, but that change can be good; that maybe therapy could be good at helping with that. I told him that it's wonderful to be accepted for who you are, but if who you are is, well, jerk-ish, people are a lot less likely to accept you unless they are also jerks and nothing good can come from a bunch of jerks getting together because they'll be toxic to other people, as well as to each other, and I told him I think he's better than that, that he deserves much better. That any woman he truly loves deserves much better than being verbally abused and made to feel like they aren't his equal or worthy.
He sat there and didn't say anything for a while, just looked at me and sighed a lot. He finally said he was disappointed in me for wanting to abandon him because he thought we were true soulmates and he couldn't believe I was saying such abusive stuff about him. I was shocked he was calling me abusive because I didn't think I was being abusive by telling him why I don't want to continue if this is how he will act and that the way he acts is not, well, good. Maybe I went a little far in saying anything about a future girlfriend, but I guess I wanted to impress on him that, if his friends and partners keep leaving because of this behavior, everyone will keep leaving. The only partners willing to stay will be someone who dishes it just as well as they take it, and he knows he's actually very sensitive and wouldn't like that or it'll be someone who lacks any self esteem and he'll make her feel even worse about herself until she breaks down. Like, I could feel myself getting to that point and that's why I'm so angry and frustrated. Not only with the fact that he was now turning all this around to me being abusive, but that he still didn't really seem to get what I was saying about my feelings; it made me realize, yes, I need to leave this situation and I do feel bad about it because I do feel like I'm abandoning him, but at the same time, it just doesn't seem like my feelings or anyone's, are important to him, so why should I stay with someone who doesn't seem to get that his behavior isn't exactly such that gets people to stay in his life? I realized I probably wasn't going to get to him and the conversation itself had me shaking because I was upset and disappointed, myself. However, looking back, I could see signs that this is who he is, other people's feelings just don't mean a lot to him and doing some soul searching, I realize that I, stupidly, thought he would change over time, but waiting on that is wearing on me and our last conversation tells me that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he does, so it's unlikely he will change.
He didn't seem interested in saying anything else besides that he was sorry I felt the way I did. I told him that I thought we needed to give up on things and find someone better for ourselves elsewhere. He didn't say anything, so I just left. A few hours later I got a confusing text from him telling me that he "hadn't seen who I was and that I had abusive tendencies". I didn't respond and just blocked him on everything. I'm sad things ended the way they did, but it was probably for the best. I'll either be good alone or I'll find someone who I work better with. And I want to give a huge thank you to everyone who commented on my last post and sorry if I didn't get back to anyone. I've been quite torn up over this, even though it was my decision. I miss him more as a friend than a partner, but I don't think being friends would work out too well, either, so I'm just leaving it.
TL;DR: Tried to have a talk with my bf, didn't go well, so we broke up. Oh well.
Submitted September 27, 2019 at 09:07PM by justanothertrwaway https://ift.tt/2nVIZwv
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