Some background info: My bf and I got into fitness about a year ago, moreso for him than for me. For my entire life I've always been either completely underweight or borderline underweight according to the BMI scale. Despite this, it's not noticeable at first glance because I have a very small bone structure (no protruding bones, sharp angles, etc.) and naturally hold weight in my face so it's always been chubby despite my body weight.
On the other hand, my bf has always had trouble losing weight and is in the overweight BMI category. Last year he almost got into the obese BMI category, which is when we decided to make a change to get into fitness.
What initially started off as a positive lifestyle change for us, slowly started making me dip into the disordered eating realm. I became obsessed with weighing myself multiple times every day and would get upset if I ate anything during the day, despite already being underweight. I don't really need to get too detailed here, but you know the drill. At my smallest I was about 20 pounds underweight for my height, but it looked reasonably proportional (Rosé from BlackPink at Good Morning America looked similar, she's wearing the grey dress.)
It only took me about a month to notice these behaviours in myself, which is when I immediately stopped weighing myself (a big trigger for me) and slowly started eating more. I felt quite shameful about these behaviours so I never told my bf about them and he never noticed because we both work long hours, so the only meal we really ate together was dinner when I could 'fake' having a real diet.
Currently: I am still underweight but focused on getting to a healthy weight by putting on more muscle, which means trying to bulk by eating more. Because my bf doesn't know about my struggle with disordered eating, he has been encouraging me to do a body recomposition instead of bulking - essentially staying at the same weight but trying to gain muscle and lose fat. He knows that I am underweight currently but thinks that due to my small frame and bone size, he thinks this would be better.
This type of talk is triggering my desire to go back to a disordered eating pattern and mentally I know it's affecting me. But I also find it really difficult to even bring up the fact that I had struggled with this before, and find it embarrassing and shameful to even think about.
I'd find it helpful if anyone has had previous experiences with eating disorders, and how to bring this up with your partners, etc?
TL;DR Previously struggled with disordered eating patterns, but bf thinks my body is suited to being in the underweight BMI category - how do I bring this up?
Submitted September 27, 2019 at 09:23AM by cowardlylump https://ift.tt/2mD8H8G
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