How do I [31F] explain the difference between using friends as support and using them as surrogate therapists to my very negative friend [32F]

TLDR: Work friend is almost always negative/complaining and uses us as therapists. How do we explain to her what the line is between asking friends for support and misusing them as surrogate therapists?

One of my work friends has, for the 4 years I've known her, always been incredibly negative about things/people in her life. She also tends to focus on her own problems/emotions to the near-absolute exclusion of everyone else's unless she's worrying about what people think about her. She is also constantly looking for validation. It's just so draining to be around her. Every conversation is mostly negative, and is barely a conversation. Every problem she has sounds like a crisis coming from her-- for instance, every single time she's even a little busy (common in our profession), it's 5 solid minutes of hearing about how she's drowning in work and might fail everything and get fired. But if you mention a problem to her, she will almost always change the subject to tell you about a problem she has that's related, and it's often implied that it's worse. She responded that way when I told her my husband might have a very serious health condition! Another one of our friends is on the receiving end of this too and is about as fed up with it as I am. We think she does this to others, because she doesn't have many friends-- they tend to drift away. Honestly, I might have by now if I didn't work with her.

It's sad, because she clearly has terrible self esteem and needs a therapist, but she shut that idea down when I brought it up a while ago. She can definitely afford it-- I am 100% sure. But she just uses us as therapists. We have our own mental health and problems to worry about! I see my own therapist to work through stuff! I will admit that I've hit the threshold for compassion fatigue towards her. I'm going through a couple of minor crises (minor-- our house is flooded and currently unlivable, but we have supportive family to stay with and insurance will cover it; family members having very, very serious health scares that have turned out ok; my chronic anxiety increasing due to both those things). I don't have the bandwidth to listen for 10 minutes about what "awful" and truly trivial thing just happened on her vacation. Because I know it's something. It always is. This negativity/lack of reciprocity was bothering me before all these recent events in my life.

But I and our other friend don't want to come off as "I never want to hear my friends problems," because that's not it. I like supporting my friends and listening to their complaints-- I frequently do with others-- but 1) it's not the majority of every single interaction; and 2) there is reciprocity. There's a line between asking for support and using friends as therapists, and she's crossed it. I know I've put some thoughts down, but does anyone have a good way to better explain that line? We may have to have this conversation with her, because we work with her and can't exactly avoid her forever.

Submitted September 26, 2019 at 12:42PM by torchwood1842 https://ift.tt/2nFSIa9