My (27f) boyfriend's (24m) last girlfriend died, and I'm not sure how to support him, particularly as he has serious hangups about sex.

Some frank detail about my sex life here, just warning you.

I met Paul (not real name) through a friend at the end of July, and we started going out not long after that. It's my first serious-ish relationship in a while (after a year and a bit of messing around on Tinder/enjoying hookup culture), and things are going well, we really enjoy each other's company.

A few times, Paul has told me that he considers me the first interesting and worthwhile person to date for a long time. Actually, he's more specific than that, I'm the first person he's interested in dating seriously for around 4 years. He also says that after his birthday next week, he is putting a pin in all drinking/recreational drugs, as he has realised that he has been over-indulging for the last 4 years, that he has a habit of doing silly stuff while drunk and he doesn't want to ruin what we have going on (he's doing this because he got drunk at a party and made out with someone - I legitimately am not that fussed about a drunken snog, particularly as we were/are still early on in our dating, but I nevertheless appreciated him telling me and then making moves to address the behaviour he finds harmful.)

Evidently, the time frame of 4 years ago is significant here, and I found out from a friend (who volunteered the information without my prompting), that was when his last girlfriend died of cancer. Since then, I have realised that his phone background is a blurry pic of them together. Paul himself mentioned it when we were in bed one night, and it is pretty clear that he is still carrying his grief. Given his mention of how much he has been drinking the last few years, and from some other things, he really hasn't processed his loss - I asked if he had been to a counsellor, and he said he went to one for a few sessions, but didn't at all like it.

Obviously, this guy is my friend (above all), and as we get more serious, I would like to do everything I can to support him. However, there is one area that I feel myself get worried and impatient about, and that is our sex life.

It may be important to note here that I have a high sex drive. Early on in our dating, I noticed he was a lot more reserved than I was: he wouldn't reject my advances, but he would freeze a little, seem distracted, and apologise. He told me he had had trouble finishing with anyone for the last (you guessed it) 4 years, and that he feels very "jumbled up". However, after a couple of consecutive date nights, that seemed to change, and we had a really amazing time. He initiated things, he led the escalation of the things we were doing, and generally it was some of the best sex I've had. However, then he went to the party where he got drunk and kissed someone else, and ever since then, he's been more withholding than when we were first dating (withholding sexually only - he's more interested in hanging out with me than ever.) We have slept in the same bed several times, and we kiss, touch and hold each other lots, but nothing else, and I'm beginning to feel anxious about being the one to constantly push us to the next level. I tried going down on him, but he stopped me, and while he has gone down on me before, I don't want to feel as though he's not enjoying our time together as much as I do.

All of this is leaving me very sexually frustrated, because I am very attracted to him, and everything suggests he is also sexually interested in me. This morning, we were in bed together, I was very ready to have sex, he wasn't at all hiding his erection, but I still didn't bring myself to make the next move, and neither did he. I know this is undoubtedly related to his unresolved grief, but I'm not sure if I should address it with him frankly, wait for him to decide if he's ready for the next stage, or call the whole thing quits.

Does anyone have any insight to this situation, in terms of going out with someone whose last partner died, or dating after losing someone? I want to be kind, but also not put myself out helping someone I can't help (been there, done that.)

​

TL;DR New bf lost his last girlfriend to cancer, and it is affecting our sex life. I want to help him, but also I have my own needs that I don't want to neglect.

Submitted September 28, 2019 at 10:23AM by TroughOSwill https://ift.tt/2m8wAF8