TLDR: My husband had a mental break two years ago, treated me very poorly because of it while I have been (barely) holding the household up by myself. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being held back, but feel guilty about feeling that way about my husband.
Sorry to be so long, but I feel like the backstory is necessary.
My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 3. When we first started dating, we were in similar positions: had just finished up a seasonal manual labor job (which we met at) and were back to living with our respective parents and looking for full time work. I had graduated college two years earlier and had a hard time finding a job in the recession, he had just moved back to the northeast after a failed relationship in the midwest (didn't get a degree). We hit it off very quickly and moved in together after not long.
I have always made more money than him. At first we both worked retail (always looking for something better), barely making ends meet. At one point we were on food stamps, we regularly ran out of heating oil and racked up some credit card (mine) debt for what we couldn't afford.
After two years together, I found a better job, it still didn't pay much, but it was more than I had ever made and I was salaried at a growing company with benefits. I have now been at this job for over 7 years and have been promoted several times to a top finance position where I make great money. He left retail for one job after another in the woodworking/construction sector, getting continually more frustrated about his employment even though he refused to 'shoot higher' with his resume. Two and a half years ago, he was fired from a verbally abusive asshole of a foreman in a super passive aggressive way, which really upset him.
He had also picked up a low key drinking problem. When we first met we had both been binge drinkers. I partied a lot in college and he had always been part of the 'party crowd.' I stopped drinking as much after I got my new job and a few years after that I just didn't like to have more than two drinks anymore anyways. He stopped binging, but had started to pick up a six pack almost every night. I would try to tell him that he needed to stop drinking as much for both health and financial reasons, but he would act like I was being controlling and too anxious.
Shortly before he was fired, he decided to stop drinking altogether because he finally realized how much it was impacting him (expensive, weight gain, poor job performance). He was depressed about where he was in life and was nursing some work related injuries, but I had just gotten another promotion. I told him that he could take a bit of time to get his feet back under him and figure out what he wanted to pursue next, since I was making enough money to cover our expenses by myself for a few months.
He looked at a lot of job postings, painted (art) and smoked way too much weed. He worked at the seasonal job again that summer and then fell into a deep depression afterward. Meanwhile, I was part of a big project at my job so I was working long hours and studying at night. We would argue about a lot of stuff; I expected him to take care of the majority of household chores while I paid for everything for both of us, as we had discussed, but he wouldn't put in the effort. His fuse was always short and he would sometimes be incredibly rude to me, even in public. If I brought it up with him, he would always find a way to turn it back on me and berate me until I cried, before apologizing for losing his temper.
That Christmas, we got into an arguement and he told me that he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. I cried all day and told my family that we were snowed in so that I didn't have to explain to them why my face was horribly puffy and red. The next day he apologized, saying that he felt so shitty about himself that he was pushing me away because I deserved better and that he would make it up to me. I was so incredibly hurt by it, so I was skeptical (especially since he had not come through so many other times) and thus a bit distant, but didn't want a divorce. I reiterated that he needed to find a job and stop smoking weed all the time.
The following February he had a mental break. Since December he had been losing weight (we had attributed to ceasing drinking), having trouble sleeping and painting nonstop. It finally came to a head when he wasnt eating and started talking nonsense. With a friend of his, we were able to convince him to check into the hospital (barely) where he was diagnosed bipolar and as having a manic episode.
That was 1 year and 7 months ago. He went through a partial hospital program and therapy, I have also been in therapy now as well and have started seeing a couples counselor too. I insisted that we see one or that we were not going to last as a couple. Throughout his recovery, I have continued to pay for everything myself (including his huge hospital bill I am still working on) and have gone out of my way to make things easier for him. I know that he has been dealing with some childhood emotional trauma as well and thus all has been incredibly difficult for him, but he has been really mean to me (verbally) a lot since his episode. He has blamed me for his poor emotional state at times, saying that I should have done something about it sooner (I had told him to go to a doctor more times than I can count), that I gaslight him (which I definitely dont) and that I only care about money if I bring up his lack of contribution.
He has made a lot of progress; he has finally been working for 6 months now and has started to contribute some money for bills. There are lots of good qualities about him too, which is why I love him. We have made some progress in couples therapy and have fought less and he's been less mean.
I can't seem to help feeling jaded though, like I want to believe that it will all be ok, but a part of my mind just keeps thinking it won't. Especially since we just spent a week with my aunt who lives on the beach for vacation, and when we got back home our electricity had been shut off. It's his duty to pay the electric bill; he was behind on it, but as long as you pay something they dont shut you off. He immediately called and made a payment, but the electric company wont come out to turn it back on until Monday, so here I am on Reddit racking up a larger than usual phone bill.
Has anyone else been through this sort of thing? I feel guilty about even thinking about us not being together because of "for better, or worse" and the fact that I still love him, but the electricity getting shut off is just more disappointing than I know how to express. I am 34, with a good career, a house and my health, but I feel like I dont know how I got here and ashamed of how poorly I live, due to me being 90% of our income. (our house also only partially renovated so it's a shit show) Even when I do entertain the thought of us separating, I feel sad and lost and ashamed.
Thanks if you actually read it to here! I appreciate any serious advice or experience anyone has to share with me.
Submitted September 21, 2019 at 05:21PM by bug_counter https://ift.tt/30i1AW4
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