I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and our relationship has been extremely strong. We have recently been discussing marriage and next steps in our relationship. We also have been discussing the idea of involving a third person in our sexual relationship, but have kept it strictly a fantasy. However, the conversations have naturally emboldened her to be a bit more flirtatious, especially with other women.
Last week we attended a house party with a new group of friends. One attendee (30sF) seemed to respond positively to my partner’s flirting, most of which happened with me present and was limited to typical alcohol-fueled compliments and friendly physical contact - nothing aggressive.
A short time later I can’t find my partner and the other woman has also disappeared. Several friends mention that they left together. I can’t reach my partner via text or phone but try to be cool - I trust her and they might have stepped out to go buy more drinks or get away from the noise. Finally, about an hour later, my partner responds and says she’s up the road at another bar having a drink and conversation. She suggests that I go home and we exchange a few text messages where I tell her I’ll wait for her to get back. An hour goes by and I joke: “Are you hooking up?” My partner replies “Yes” and insists that I just go home and she’ll be over soon.
At this point I’m feeling very upset, so I do head home from the party. While I think it's unlikely that they actually are hooking up, I'm angry and hurt because we have had a explicit conversations about how meeting somebody at a party and going off with them not be acceptable behavior for either of us, regardless of gender. About 5 hours later she comes back and gets ready for bed. I ask her directly what happened and she says that they didn’t hook up, they just went and met a different group of friends for the rest of the evening. I’m still very upset and, after she has fallen asleep, I make the mistake of checking her phone.
They’ve exchanged a few text messages after my partner left about how my partner is going to be in trouble coming home so late. The other woman responds suggesting my partner stay at her house. The next day I mention to my partner that I want to discuss the issue when we are both home from work. We do some chores and eat dinner when we get home, and I again sneak a look at her text messages. I’m shocked to discover that she has deleted all of her conversations with the other woman.
When we start discussing the events of the previous evening I ask her several times, point blank, about the message suggesting my partner stay at the other woman’s house. She denies such a message exists until I quote the messages at her. I ask her if she can check her messages to see if I’m quoting them accurately and she makes a scene of looking through her phone for a few moments before saying it seems like the conversation was deleted. Later she admits that she did delete the conversation because she often deletes conversations that she's unlikely to revisit in the future.
At this point I explain that whether or not she actually hooked up is not the problem that has me feeling upset. That the problem was the way she treated me the moment somebody else flirted with her, and that the messages debacle has further destroyed my trust. She agrees with me that, if the roles were reversed, she would not tolerate such behavior from me. She is currently staying with friends.
I don’t know what to believe or how we can resolve this. I highly doubt that any physical infidelity occurred, but the way everything else transpired makes me feel a host of negative emotions and destroyed my trust.
Is it possible to rebuild?
tl;dr - My partner left an event with somebody else for quite a while, joked about hooking up, deleted messages. I don't know if it's possible to rebuild trust.
Submitted May 05, 2019 at 07:31PM by Getouttahere_123 http://bit.ly/2VPWahO
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