Every time I (F,25) talk to my mother (F,49) she shatters my mental health, and I just can't handle it. She keeps wanting to have a "chat" about my "life choices" and I don't what to do.

I don't know how to explain my mother... she's cold, and controlling, and she isn't present- she's always resented me because I am the product of her being kidnapped when she was 23 and she's always told me "I wanted to abort you" "I wish you were dead" "I wish you were never born" ect. She lives a couple states away and she doesn't call unless it's to tell me to do something, or tell me that what I'm doing with my life isn't "correct". which is every couple months. And sometimes I wont hear from her at all unless I call, and when I call she's down my throat about everything. I'm never making the proper life choices. and I'm always in pieces and in a horrible mood after I get off the phone/ anytime I see her.

For example, for my birthday she sent me two hardback books with instagram models on the front- the books are all about "losing weight and having a happy, successful life". Ouch. I'm 5'8' and 140 pounds, most wouldn't consider me "fat". but she thought it would "aid me in weight loss".

my boyfriend and I had a really horrible fight a month or so ago, which isn't the norm- and if it were she typically wouldn't be the person I'd call but I NEEDED her- so I called her because I was in a bad way when driving to my friend Brittany's house and she critisized me the entire time we were on the phone about how "I need to make better life choices" (as if she really knows about my life choices, she isn't even apart of my life or know anything about me) and she "doesn't know what to tell me, to get over it and focus on school and getting a REAL job". and then she told me "I needed to get my own life that didn't revolve around who I was dating" which MY LIFE DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND MY BOYFRIEND, he does his own thing, and I do my own thing a lot of times- I have my own friends, he has his own friends, and we also share friends. But my mother is under the impression that I am incapable of having friends and was just SHOCKED when I told her I have friends (this all spurted from me telling her I was going to my friend brittany's house)

I have a really nice apartment- it's 1000$ a month- it isn't much but it's mine and it's new... I don't have the BEST job but I am happy there and it pays the bills, I am with someone I truly want to spend the rest of my life with and we fight, but hardly ever- it isn't an unhealthy relationship and he is SO GOOD TO ME and supports me always in every life choice I make, I have a dog and a cat- they're like my babies and I wouldn't trade them for the world. My life isn't perfect, it's a work in progress and I am still learning who I am and what I want to do- but it isn't "wrong", I don't steal, I don't do drugs, I don't drink and drive, I'm not homeless... she acts like I make the most god awful life choices and am ruining my life. Truth be told, I always did what she expected of me growing up for "her image" because "I was a reflection of her"- so I never got to be myself, EVER. I have horrible identity issues because of that.

she DOES pay for my car, and bought me my car- BUT, she uses that to control me. If it were up to me, I would have bought my own car for 6,000-8,000 dollars- but she claims I need a "brand new car, because older cars aren't as reliable or good on gas, and they just look bad". I am thankful, but I really would have rather paid for an older car and had nothing over my head.

Last time she called she was talking to me in the most condescending tone about "You need to go to college and figure your life out." "you need to get a real job". Here's the thing, I LOVE MY JOB- and it works for now while I'm figuring out what I want to do- I don't know if I want to go back to college- or what I would even go for- but I don't want to go just because my mother is down my throat to go- i want to go because I WANTED TO GO. Because it was my own choice, and I found something I was passionate about enough to make my career. Hell, I've even thought of doing a trade. but she literally doesn't try to know me, or what I like, or who I am. BUT SHE WANTS TO CONTROL MY LIFE and forgets that I'm 25. I don't ASK HER for anything. EVER. But she thinks I am SO LOST. she stresses me out, and is just toxic. She and I are COMPLETELY different people- she's all about "name brands" and impressing everybody and caring what people think of her- she has to be just like everybody else.... I am not matierialistic in any way, and wear stuff I find at the thrift store. We just don't understand one another. And I hate that she talks to me like I am stupid, she always has an uninterested or condescending tone. Whenever she comes in town (which is maybe one or two times a year) I honestly don't even ever want to see her. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL. I am tired of being whatever she thinks I should be, it is really hurting my mental health and I literally cringe and get such anxiety any time I see a missed call from her, or a text, or an unopened facebook message. i really don't know how to handle this situation.

TDLR; my mother is a total control freak and doesn't call me for months unless she wants to be extremely negative towards me and put me down about my life choices or going to school. She has told me who to be my entire life and now I feel as though I don't have my own identity and I am trying to create my own identity but it still isn't good enough for her. She's extremely negative and stresses me out terribly every time I hear from her to the point where I wish she wouldn't call me or try to come see me. I really don't know how to handle her or stick up for myself, or what to do and need help.

Submitted May 04, 2019 at 01:06PM by thegreatperhapsx http://bit.ly/2POkqeK