Right before the pandemic, I left my ex. We lost our baby a few months prior and I wasn’t coping well with it. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, we’d only been together just over a year and engaged for two months when we found out that we were expecting but we were happy about it.
I’d been really unsure about whether I ever wanted to be a mom, but as soon as I even suspected I was pregnant all of my uncertainty completely evaporated and I was glad when found out that I was in fact pregnant. I was really excited about having a baby with my ex, and he loves kids and was really excited about it too. We were so happy and I loved that I was going to be a mommy and I felt my ex was the best father I could’ve hoped for for our baby. We were so excited to meet our child, so losing our baby was very hard.
The up and down rollercoaster of it all just sent me on a downward spiral and all of my hurt and pain was aimed at my ex. I really wanted to try for another baby as soon as possible, but he felt I needed to recover first and wanted to get married before trying again. Obviously his view was the logical one, but when you’re in as much emotional pain as I was at that time, logic goes out the window.
He tried taking me to therapy and he was very patient with me when I lashed out at him, but I just couldn’t cope with how I was feeling and I’d become so ashamed after our fights as I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
So I left him in a really horrible way. I didn’t intend it to be horrible, but I’d tried to leave before and he’d always manage to talk me down from it, so I felt like I had no options. I ended up waiting until he was away for work, packing up all my stuff, blocking him everywhere and leaving. It was a shitty thing to do and I’ve never forgiven myself for that or any of the stuff that preceded it. He’s a really good person and he didn’t deserve it.
We both work in the same industry and we were booked on the same job that started a few weeks ago. I check every job to see if he’s on it because I’m anxious about running into him, so when I saw his name on this one I wanted I quit right away. My friend convinced me not to as it’s a big job, but I’m anxious and upset on a daily basis as I find being around him really difficult.
I do everything to stay out of his way, but it’s still awkward. He approached me when we first started and I told him I didn’t want to talk, but we have to for work and we have to appear normal when other people are around, so I can’t totally ignore him. He has my work number now too so sometimes we have to communicate in the work group chat and I’ll see his texts even when I’m not at work, so I feel that there’s no reprieve right now.
He has a new girlfriend now so I guess he must be over it all, but I feel an unbearable amount of guilt about things still. I also have to accept that I’m not over him and so him being with someone else is very painful. I wasn’t good to him though so I know I have no right to be upset, but I can’t help it.
It was a coworkers birthday so we all went for dinner yesterday. My ex showed up with the new girlfriend which I found really hard to be around. I left early as I just felt like I was on the verge of tears the whole time, and he came outside when I was waiting to get picked up to ask if I wanted him to drive me and I said no.
I got a text from him today asking if we can meet and talk. I really don’t want to. I can’t say what I want to say so there’s no room for an honest conversation. And it sounds stupid, but I want to throw up whenever I think about his girlfriend. I just miss him and I’m upset and hurt and all of those feelings about our baby are back, and I’m scared of going back to that dark place I was in before. I really miss being with him. I’m finding it really hard to cope.
I really want to quit this job. I don’t think it’s worth my sanity, but at the same time it’s a big job that will help me get other big jobs.
What would you do in this position?
TLDR: my ex and I broke up after losing our baby. We’re now working together and I’m finding it difficult. He wants to talk, but I just want to quit. WWYD?
Submitted April 08, 2022 at 06:29PM by WonderfulFill4504 https://ift.tt/lt3EcV0
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