Husband (32m) has a public persona that does not match how he behaves in private - and I don’t like it. How do I (35F) tell him his behavior is not acceptable?

TLDR: husband pretends that I’m a genius in public, but in private he acts as if I’m an idiot. I cannot tolerate this type of behavior and I could use some advice on how to approach the issue. Both husband and I are stubborn, we work in the same profession, and I think he may be intimidated by me. I admittedly have high expectations of myself and others and I’m not very good at delivering criticism with a “soft” or gentle approach.

Husband (32 year old male) and I (35 year old female) work in the same profession. We are both lawyers. I have been practicing law a few years longer than he has (3 or 4 more years - not a whole lot), and I make twice as much money as he does. I could care less about the time in practice and I certainly don’t think money has any determination of a person’s skill set or actual worth. The only reason I mention it here is - I suspect my husband may feel a certain kind of way because his wife is the big “hot shot” lawyer and he has not yet risen to the same level of success. I keep telling him - in two or three years he will undoubtedly surpass me or at least be at the same level - and we both know there are a ton of really crappy lawyers that make way more money than both of us, so it’s not a reliable measure of success. However, I suspect it bothers him deep down.

As one half of a two lawyer marriage I knew that we would argue more than the average couple.

Most of the time when he makes arguments that are flat out wrong, I’ll point out the issues to him once or twice and if he refuses to listen, I just drop it - and figure that eventually he will figure it all out on his own.

However, lately I’ve noticed that he’s started a new tactic that I would consider “playing dirty.” I don’t mind when my opposing counsel does this - its expected when you’re in battle against another lawyer. But when my husband started to use this tactic against his own wife - I think it crosses a marital line.

The basic strategy (which all lawyers use against each other in the practice of law) is to publicly uplift your opponent as a smart and capable lawyer, but to privately/behind closed doors put them down and do everything short of calling them a total idiot. It’s a grimy trick and I refuse to use it because I think it tarnishes my work - but I know it’s a very commonly used strategy because many attorneys have used it against me.

My husband has started to publicly tell people what a “powerhouse litigator” I am, how I’m running my own division in a prominent law firm, and whenever he uses my legal strategies on his own cases he gives me credit publicly for my “genius” ideas. However, when we discuss cases at home - he belittles my points, tells me that I’m wrong (even on things that are so basic that a simple reading of the statute proves me right), and constantly tells me that he knows better because XYZ reason.

Again - if he was my opposing counsel I’d just blow it off as typical attorney non-sense and let the courts make the decision - and then move on. But - this is happening at my home, with my husband and it carries a different degree of disrespect.

Important detail to note: I’m currently pregnant with our second child and husband is often irritated that I don’t praise him for doing his fair share of childcare and domestic duties. I think on some subconscious level he expects me to do all the domestic chores and childcare like his mother did - and the fact that I expect him to be an equal partner bothers him. I refuse to shower him with praise for doing his fair share - I do authentically say thank you every once in a while as an olive branch.

Another important detail to note: l am also an imperfect person who has her own struggles - I’m admittedly stubborn, I’ve been successful as an attorney because I push myself to always do better - and I expect others to work at least half as hard as I do. As a lawyer, most people know that I expect my team members to deliver high quality work and I don’t hesitate to push my team to deliver as close to perfection as we can get - when mistakes are made I’m direct, I call attention to the issue, and I work with my team to figure out how to prevent the same problem from appearing again. People who work with me know that they will have to work hard, it will be demanding, but they will learn more skills and be a stronger version of themselves because I will push them to deliver their best work. I can be intimidating- but I’m never mean and I never speak down to others - I’m just direct and no-nonsense.

Here is my question: knowing that my husband can never ever admit that he’s wrong (trust me on this one - he really doesn’t know how to admit his wrongs) - how do I communicate that I don’t like his behavior?

Options I’ve considered:

(1) when he publicly showers me with praise, I could start saying things like, “he only says such nice things about me because it’s true,” or “I am a powerhouse litigator, and boy does he benefit from being married to this brain.” I’m actually comfortable saying these things - so this is a doable approach. However, it is Not at all my preferred method because it does not directly address the issue and it will make me appear self aggrandizing.

(2) directly call him out and tell him I don’t like that he publicly praises me and behind closed doors diminishes my knowledge. And ask him to stop one or the other (either he can belittle me in public and private or he can lift me up in public and private - but he doesn’t get to pretend to be a supportive husband in public and then put me down in private). This will undoubtedly turn into an argument where he denies everything- and my guess is he will claim Im a liar. He often calls me a liar - another dirty tactic that makes me respect him less. Being straight forward is my preferred method - but it has often backfired with him because it requires that he admit his behavior is less than perfect.

(3) learn how to ignore him - and use my energy on lawyering like a badass. (This is my ideal situation- but I’m not yet emotionally evolved enough to know how to do this).

Any other strategies Reddit might suggest? Am I missing some big obvious thing that everyone else can see?

Submitted April 19, 2022 at 12:45AM by lawyersinlove https://ift.tt/jXHrBZh