Me (32F) and my boyfriend (30M), just found out he has been lying about snorting adderall for the past 3 years. Together for 10, and trying to heal childhood wounds together. What should I do now?

My boyfriend has a prescription for XR and IR adderall. Yesterday I heard him sniff a lot in the bathroom and came out acting suspicious as he grabbed a redbull. An hour later we were eating lunch and I noticed something orange in his nose. I thought it was a carrot and asked if I could get it. Normally he would let me, but this time he moved quick and wiped it. "It must just be Frank's" he said. With this response, I wondered if he snorted adderall. I asked him, but he denied it with a "what? No." - like I was absurd for asking that. Without a beat, I asked "have you ever?" His eyes grew wide and he said to be honest he had before, the last time was about a month ago. Calmly, I asked again... "all signs are pointing to it, did you snort adderall?" That's when he broke down HARD crying in shame. I told him I accepted him and that I am not here to judge. I just want listen and for him to trust he can talk to me about anything. He said he does it when his "needs are not being met" so he tries to get validation through working hard (WFH). He also had a hangover and felt shame for drinking. He agreed that those were excuses.

We talked more and he drew on paper his "cycle for getting his needs met"
A) success or B) attention from shame (needs to be fixed by a disappointed authority figure).
We realized we were in B. Even though I was not disappointed, just there to listen and not judge. I was giving him attention for a shame... what should I have done?

Something that stuck with me: One of the phrases he said a couple times was "This is my biggest secret." My question is: Is this something people commonly say when they are trying to get someone off their tracks about another secret?
*Why I want to believe him: We have both been working hard at healing our wounded inner child. He shows promise every day that he wants to get better. Many tears shed by both. Read "How to do the Work" by Dr. Nicole LePera. One if his phrases now is "emotionally mature by 32." I feel like I can trust his openness to heal and get better. I see that even admitting this secret was huge for him.

However, I still have understandable fear. With this secret being brought to light, he has proven that he has the capacity to lie about something big. Can I trust him anymore? What should I do now? I find myself scared that he is going to lie again.

The next day (today) I tried to be vulnerable about my fear. I said "can I be honest with my emotions? I am scared you got more adderall to snort" to which he denied, and so I said very calmly and respectfully "but I heard you go into your toiletries bag." He then got defensive and said in a "why me" way "you are just trying to fit a paranoia that you made up in your mind." Like it was unfair I did not believe him. I said "I am not trying to condemn you, nor am I judging you, I am just scared and want peace... and to trust you." Which was met with more child-like defense. I realized his defensiveness was him possibly looking for attention through being fixed... so I said "I don't want to talk to you if you are going to be defensive." Then walked away. He responded by quickly making food and anxiously asked if I wanted a sandwich. I looked at him and shook my head no, trying to stay calm. Does he want me to be upset so that he can be fixed for love and connection? What do I do to get out of the role of his parent? Do you think I may be enabling a narcissist?

TLDR; Boyfriend lied about snorting adderall. When asked a second time, broke down in shame and confessed he has been doing it for 3 years. He said "This is my biggest secret." Is this something people commonly say to throw someone off a trail? I want to believe him because he is doing the work to heal from his childhood, but can I trust him if he was able to conceal a lie this big for that long?

Submitted April 27, 2022 at 06:02PM by Sage-Deep https://ift.tt/vY2XeAB