This is gonna sound like a shitton of tooting my own horn, and Im sure a lot of people won't be happy with it, but almost 8 months in, deeply in love with this guy, I find myself fantasizing about breaking up with him for good.
Now, I say for good because him(m20) and I(f19) have already broke up once. Out of fear of this getting back to him, I won't go super into it, but the first breakup came about because we both were very unhappy with our environments and mentally ill. On top of that, he wanted to reconcile a friendship with the girl he cheated on me with, much to my dismay. Now, I know this may make him out to be an asshole, but let me preface by saying this guy is the sweetest guy I've come to know. The type to remember tiny things, want to help me with everything I struggle with, and has loved me in such a profound way, I didn't realize it was possible and can't see myself wanting to build that with anyone else. The only downside has become the issues he is very stubborn with actually facing, and this includes a self-proclaimed disattachment to anything, anger, an inability to accept love at times and even some narcissism. Mind you, I do love this guy. Our relationship has been rocky, so I haven't been dumb enough to be blindsided by this love, but the good things are too personal to really share. Let's just say we have come a significantly long way in terms of communication and priority when it comes to one another.
Phew. With that out of the way, let me begin. This started a few months ago when we first broke up. I fought extremely hard for a retry later down the road, but was only really met with an "I can't do that with you again." He folds a week later when he realizes I love him deeply, and we slowly get back together in that month. It's been smiles and love since then, a honeymoon phase that didnt seem to end with nonstop infatuation with one another. What we had learned through eachother bled through, and we never argued or couldn't talk to eachother about anything. And then, for a week, it stopped. He said he wasn't just feeling as lovey, and it wasn't because of me. That he just gets that way sometimes. Even though it hurt to show so much love and not receive it, I tried my best to not let him feel unloved for even a second, and spoil the shit out of him. And that's a norm for us, and it's very mutualistic. After a week of that weird coldness, he's back to normal. In fact, he's more lovey and passionate than ever. And it's all smiles again. But as the next month progressed, this month, I began to notice a lot of things. He got angry at me. A lot. Maybe irritated is the better word, but the issues were fairly insignificant so I was left confused about what I exactly did. Once, it was because I had taken a nap after work, and me usually keeping my phone on silent meant his calls didn't go through. I woke up to being called annoying and immediately yelled at. I understand the worry, but I wasn't sure why it made him so angry. It's always stuff like that, and I also began to realize that I've conditioned myself to apologize no matter the offense. Now, this isn't due to wanting to keep peace or not being able to stand up for myself, I just know that it's nothing more than him being in a mood, and would rather acknowledge he's upset regardless of if I actually did something. This usually makes him look kind of like a douche, and he apologizes. We don't argue. Happy all around.
Though, then I began to notice he's been rather.. Mean? Lately? I try not to be sensitive, but I find myself bothered when he teases me about something personal or how something bothers me, or get told something that has inconvenienced me is my fault because blah blah I haven't done all I can to fix it. It hurts sometimes, but aside from just plainly stating he's hurting my feelings, I never press it further and let it go. When all this started to happen, I basically began to try really really hard at pleasing him. I know how that sounds, but I figured if he's at a point in his life where he is unhappy and finds himself irritated at me (as everytime he is, he apologizes and reflects on why he even felt that way), I could do something just a bit better to remind him how much I support him and am on his side. So, I start making lunches for him, dressing very very nicely more often to match his vibes, and heavily catering to his passions and bedroom interests. Now, I did all these things before, and love doing them for him, and to his own degree and expression, does the same, but now, it sort of feels like I'm doing it for damage control. Like to prevent him from feeling negatively towards me, because I'm visibly trying my best. I thought it was working, I thought he was happy with me, and then, a few nights ago, I had a streak of guys who would approach me or add me on socials and say really grimy stuff to me. Im talking like things that would certainly be gross to hear in any earshot on the receiving end or as a passerby. And, of course, even though it makes me uncomfortable, I mostly make light of those situations and make fun of the guys. I brought this up to my boyfriend, and he just immediately slammed me with this sudden and very out-of-character rant about how I like the attention and brag about how these guys approach me because I posted a screenshot about one of these comments made to me. I was blown away, and for the first time since we had gotten back together, I firmly denied that thought, and explained to him that I am far from flattered. He retorted with how I purposely put myself in those situations because I add them back or don't do everything I can to get rid of them. I can't help but think, why should I have to do something out of my way to stop a guy from being a creep? I was upset. I told him that it was messed up to say that, and he began getting louder at me for saying that. I just shut down and let him, and afterwards, proceeded to treat the conversation as nothing and move on with the rest of our evening.
The following morning, I wake up feeling a bit uneasy. My intuition is absolutely fierce. I call him, and am kinda just chatting with him for a while, before we end the call to get ready for work. I shoot him a text, and ask him if we are okay. This isn't the first time I've asked this, and It's mostly meant to clear any weird air about us and give him the opportunity to speak on anything that's been sitting with him. I'm hit with "Why?" And, even though I really didn't want to, subtly tried to say that I was unhappy with his recent irritability towards me, and wondered if there was something I did that upset him. All I get in return is: "i didnt do anything to make this happen today." Ouch. I quickly reiterate I wasn't trying to make him feel bad or argue with him, and that I had just been feeling really down about the whole situation, and explained that it hurt to be told things that bothered me were my fault, or to have to take insults as jokes, or to wake up and be told I was annoying. And he just- kept making it worse. He said he didn't know what to say, that we don't care or agree on the same things. It feels very very out of character, because it simply just wasn't true. Then, he hits me with "It's impossible to reassure you. I feel like I have to say I love you to make you feel better not because we did anything lovey, and that makes the word lose meaning for me." Just. Goddamn. I can't even begin to understand why he feels that way, especially since I rarely ask for outright reassurance and even more rarely need him to say I love you for that reason. It was like a total punch in the gut, and instead of leaving that conversation feeling more confident about us, I was immediately conditioned into just fixing it myself. Literally just reassuring myself, and now him, that we were okay. Of course, he feels bad afterwards and saying he isn't doing enough. I kinda just let it go and remind him I'll see him at work.
And we do see eachother. We work in the same building and go on breaks together. We're happy despite the rocky morning, only, he proceeds to do everything I said that made me feel bad. He begins to go in on me about how I walk and present myself, commenting about how if I was gonna wear such good outfits, I should carry myself like a character in them. I told him, mostly joking, that being in 3 inch stilettos kinda prevented me from walking like a GTA character, but oh. He's serious. He doesn't let it go for the entire thirty minutes we are together, and I'm progressively becoming more exhausted of the topic because I simply just did not see the significance of me walking differently. He begins to rarionalize that he's not dissing me, he's trying to look out for me and help me with my confidence. I manage to get him to drop the topic, and while we're together at the end of the break, I'm joking around with him. Singing to him, playfully tugging on his arm, and he immediately pulls away and goes "Stop that, that's annoying." I shut down, and stop instantly. He apologizes half heartedly, but ya know?
I was trying hard enough to make things good between us, and it feels like the more I try, the more bitter he gets. Not just about me, about everything. And through this entire ordeal, I've begun fantasizing about a breakup with him. Line for line. What I'd say, if I'd say anything at all, how'd I want him to react, how I think he'd realistically react, just a million different ways I could leave this relationship, like a reflection of how unhappy I'm progressively becominh. The only weird thing is : I don't want to breakup, and often imagine a future with this guy at the same time. It's just so weird. I think I want him to fix himself up and recognize how badly he's hurting me at times, but he seems like he does and just does it again. And I know he loves me. I know he has not cheated on me since the first months of our relationship. These are both things Im very confident in. However, I think I'm really starting to be at my wits end. I want to stay with him. I want him to love me as much as I love him at all times, not just periods. But if I bring this up to him, he might get really down on himself and leave. Or worse, an argument. I just. seriously don't know what to do.
TDLR : I fantasize about breaking up with my boyfriend because he makes me feel bad about myself, but I also really don't want to.
Submitted April 09, 2022 at 07:39PM by balsszxsckk https://ift.tt/KSMJueo
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