I'm in grad school. When it's someone's birthday someone else typically throws them a surprise party.
I know myself and would be really hurt if no one did that for me after I organized it for others. For this reason I planned my own party and invited dozens of ppl. I texted everyone 2 weeks in advanced, sent reminders day before, and asked ppl if they were coming when I saw them in person.
I'm a decently outgoing man person and try to talk to everyone in my class. I thought I was doing okay building relationships. I was bullied elementary- high school so I'm very insecure about socializing and convinced everyone secretly hates me (and yes I've gone through yrs of therapy for it)
Today was my party and most ppl didn't show up. I know this was a rough week of school so some needed a break. I was feeling so anxious before and had 2 panic attacks about school.
I spent hrs setting up and bought food for ppl all for most ppl to not show up. I had 6 different ppl message me and say they had migraines. I was hurt the most by a group of ppl who said they were coming hanging out and not coming. They posted pics of each other all over social media. One of them I thought was one of my closest friends. When she was going through a breakup I dropped everything to support her whenever she needed it.
I was so hurt by everything I kept having t excuse myself from everything to have a short cry in my room. I never want to have another party again . My self esteem is destroyed. I put so much effort into whst I thought was friendships just for ppl to not even stop to say hi. (We all live less than a mile from each other)
My question is how do I move on from here. My brain says I should isolate myself but Ik that's not healthy. Should I delete social media for a bit or unfollow ppl who post stuff that makes me feel ignored? Should I focus on myself and school for a bit? Should I let myself be sad? I feel so embarrassed for putting so much effort for it to fail. The ppl that came seemed uncomfortable since there was barely anyone there
On the bright side: a few ppl I wasn't even that close with stopped by and dropped off small gifts which was a lot more than some "friends". Should I instead focus on getting to know these individuals?
TLDR: threw a birthday party all for many of my "friends" to not come
Submitted April 22, 2022 at 11:29PM by HumbleSeaOtter https://ift.tt/v32sgEk
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