Partner[30F] let me[30F] down in a huge way and I'm worried that I won't be able to get over it. We're getting married in a month.

This is a long one. I've been with my fiancee for 10 years and I'm still crazy about her. She's the goofiest, most delightful person I know and I don't ever want to have to live without her. I recently developed a crush and even though it's not something I'm pursuing, it forced me to look inward and confront that I'm craving something that I can't really get back from her.

Two years ago I had two abscesses form after oral surgery that progressed into septicemia within a few days. I ended up hospitalized, in and out of the ICU, 104 fever, and was rushed into multiple emergency surgeries where they put me into a medically induced coma because I couldn't open my mouth more than a couple of millimeters. My throat was so swollen that swallowing my own spit was agony, the nurses forgot to give me antibiotics for 15 hours one day, my doctors were rude, and nobody ever really told me what was going on. It was hell. And to make matters worse, my mom came to stay with me at the hospital. She's a narcissist so we have a very strained relationship, and she can't handle silence so the whole time she was just talking and talking and getting frustrated with me for not wanting to chat with her even though it was incredibly painful for me.

From what I've heard, my partner completely lost her shit in the midst of all this. Couldn't get out of bed, couldn't eat, and even had her parents come up to help her get through it. She would visit me in the hospital for like an hour every day, but I wanted her stay with me. I could've died, I think I was close to it the night they forgot to give me antibiotics (but no one ever told me why I was suddenly covered in ice packs, on oxygen, and had an alarm blaring every 5 minutes when my heart rate would dip below 39bpm). I needed her and she wasn't there, and I had to handle all of that with basically just my mom for support. One day I even cried when she visited me and said I wanted her to stay, but she didn't. I was released after a week, and she did take good care of me at home-- she usually does tbh.

I think I'm just processing all of this now because covid shut everything down like a month after I was released from the hospital and it was such a crazy time for literally everyone. Now our wedding is coming up in a month and I still adore her, I still want to spend my life with her, but I also still feel so heartbroken over this. We talked about it the week after I got home and she was mortified at the way she behaved but... how do I know that she wouldn't react that way again? How can I know if she'll actually be there for me when life gets tough in other ways? Realistically, neither of us will know until we're already there, and that's really terrifying me right now.

I don't know what to do. I love her so much, but I'm scared that I won't be able to get over this. I'm not even angry at her, I'm just so, so hurt. Is this surmountable?

TL;DR My fiancee wasn't there for me when I was incredibly sick, and now I'm worried that I'm too hurt for our marriage to last.

Submitted April 23, 2022 at 07:35PM by StraightAf4006 https://ift.tt/M0ug93k