Do loving marriages really exist? I’m trying to decide if I should accept my relationship the way it is for now and give up trying to change it.

I’m genuinely asking. I (24f) feel like the love portrayed in media and books can’t be real. I’ve never witnessed one truly loving relationship in my life and the idea of one makes my heart ache. Growing up I saw nothing but abuse, violence, alcoholism, and infidelity between my parents. Everyone in my family is divorced, many multiple times.

When people say they love their partner or are in a happy relationship I don’t believe them. I become immediately suspicious and assume everyone’s just pretending to be happy in their relationship. And when I see that they might really be happy I feel so jealous.

At one point I dreamed of a relationship that was warm, encouraging, and understanding. I wanted a genuine connection with someone and I wanted to grow with them. I kept dating men that were addicted to porn, cheated, did drugs, and were volatile. I was an idiot. I met my now husband (28m) and he seemed so level headed, confident, and stable. At the time I was struggling to recover from mountains of childhood trauma. For the first time in my life, I felt safe, physically at least. I was 19 when we got married. I feel so stupid for making that choice. We’ve been together for 4 years now.

I’m scared that I made a mistake. I came into the relationship with so much affection and hope for our marriage to grow. I kept thinking to myself that if I just loved him enough he would open up and be more communicative and attentive. I was wrong. My husband can’t stand tears at all. He believes due to his own mother that when women cry they are being manipulative. When I tell him my feelings are hurt and I can’t hold back tears he rolls his eyes and leaves the room. Often he sleeps soundly next to me while I cry.

He doesn’t have real conversations with me beyond what bills need to be paid and what chores we need to get done. He rarely talks about his inner thoughts or feelings, no matter how much I ask. He doesn’t have any goals or dreams, he works, eats, watches TV and sleeps. He doesn’t touch me sexually unless I initiate. I feel ugly and unwanted. He gets jealous when I succeed in my field or in self improvement. I just want him to be happy for me. I love to socialize and make friends and he is a heavy tense silent presence the whole time. I know he has social anxiety so I’ve tried to accommodate him, but then we end up spending every night at home watching TV in isolation. He complains about having no friends but makes no effort to change anything.

There’s just no tenderness there, just pure logic and coldness. I’ve become someone I hate. I’m bitter and complaining, I feel so old and worn out when I should be full of energy. I’ve gained 80 lbs looking for comfort in food. I feel unlovable.

I told him 4 months ago that I was considering divorce. He wanted to get marriage counseling and got angry when I was hesitant. I agreed but now he still has not mentioned looking for a counselor. I’m just not worth the effort to him.

I’m so lonely. Due to my abusive family I have no one else to talk to besides very casual friends (I moved across the country to follow his job). I’ve considered cheating and I’m ashamed. I just want to be looked at with affection and touched. I want to feel wanted and I want a confident emotionally mature man but I don’t even know if there are men like that and if there are I’m overweight and haven’t had sex in a year. They wouldn’t want me.

I’m starting to believe love is fictional. It’s irrational and hormonal. I want it to exist anyway. I was taught that it’s ungodly to end a marriage and feel like I’m just supposed to accept the way things are. But I just want to be happy. I’ve cried and pleaded with him to listen, tried to have logical conversations, and I’ve gotten angry and spiteful. He either ignores me or makes vague promises for “change”.

Part of me believes he is the best I can do. Another part hopes he will change and we can have the loving relationship I used to believe in. If I give up trying to change our relationship and accept things the way they are maybe I’ll feel some peace with continuing life alone. I just wanted to be happy-I think I’m grieving that fantasy of a romantic relationship.

TLDR: My marriage is cold and indifferent and I’ve never personally witnessed a healthy loving relationship. Are they even possible? I wanted to create one but my husband doesn’t seem to be interested.

Submitted March 01, 2022 at 11:06PM by Confident_Air8895 https://ift.tt/e5NCtLa