I feel like this question has probably been asked before but I want to make sure I am not overreacting or going crazy.
I have a history of depression and I get very easily triggered by comments, jokes or words. I think most of the time I am functional, I can tolerate the darkest or most offensive jokes from my friends, because I know that there is a safe distance between my friends and I and that they don't always joke a lot in my presence.
However, recently I started dating someone and our relationship has been going on for 1 year. For the most part, we have conflicts here and there but we have always work together to resolve them. One recurring topic is that his words sometimes trigger me to the point I become depressed or cries out loud. For example, he used to make funny jokes about my college major, such as 'Wow I heard people who major in Finance are all money-grubbers", or he would make jokes about my body "Your teeth are so crooked it make you look like a squirrel" (not exact word but something equivalent). Most of the time I laughed back and said ("Ahaha very funny, am sure people from your major are...etc."). Basically I try to pretend I enjoy these jokes and were comfortable with them.
What actually happens is I am a very non-confrontational person and I have trouble expressing my discomfort about the jokes. As time goes on, I realize I cannot keep up this facade. I either argue back (which makes it seem passive/aggressive and he got confused why I suddenly become offended) or he reassured me that those are jokes only. I know outside of his words, he act lovingly (as in he is affectionate with me, cook for me..etc.).
Another example is I got severely triggered when it was our Valentine day and he suggest that we go out and get food. I gave suggestion of a few places, and he make outlandish joke about "Ew, I don't want to eat there, those place are full of ching chongs" (a very clearly outlandish joke). But as I kept suggesting places to go, he kept turning them down with jokes, to the point I got frustrated and pretend to say that I don't enjoy eating out anyway and we can stay home. Then he suddenly became serious and say "Am only joking, I want to go out with you!" and pointed out to the fact he skip work early to go home to go eat with me (basically his action clearly indicate he want to do something but his jokes always felt like he want to say something else).
I don't know why but I feel we suffer a serious miscommunication about this issue. We decide to take a break from each other to reassess the relationship. I think this is my first long term serious relationship so I don't know if it is normal. I can barely remember when he compliment me but I can remember all the jokes he made about my body, my college majors, my rich family, my friends..etc. I know it seems like I make this relationship to be very bad but I know he talked very highly of me with friends, colleagues..etc. but I think he doesn't express the same verbal affirmation when we are alone together, thereby making me feel insecure about a lot of things about myself. I have expressed discomfort about this before and he had tone down his jokes quite significantly since we started dating, but sometimes he slip and make a new joke I got trigger again! I also wonder if maybe I am not thick skin enough to take a joke. And I seem unable to stand up for myself when I feel discomfort about these jokes and hide it to myself as I don't want to 'ruin' the mood.
It seem joking is a permanent part of my boyfriend's personality (he also make joke about himself so not like I am the only target) but I feel like I can't match with his jokes and I don't always want to take them or be cool with them. I also overreact a lot (if he make one small joke, I become silent, negative, and always state I want to break up). Have anyone run into the issue and what is the best way to resolve this? Outside of this we are compatible in most areas and he is someone who is willing to listen to my opinion, and have work actively to change his habits to accommodate me, though it seems it is hard for him to repress his joking self as he states it is part of who he is.
Tldr: My boyfriend likes to make a lot of jokes around me, some jokes are good, some are bad to the point they trigger me and make me want to cry. I have expressed my discomfort about this issue before and he had toned down his joke significantly but I still have a hard time tolerating them. How do I balance not censuring my boyfriend and become controlling yet able to maintain my own ground?
Submitted June 22, 2020 at 08:14AM by throwaway14159342 https://ift.tt/3fKGEu3
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