My (24F) boyfriend (20M) is needy and I feel he lied to me about who he is and wants me to be his Mother

We met through work and became good friends. After work a bunch of us always went out for drinks. He would always come out and have a few drinks, get a bit drunk and have fun. Even if most people decided to go home that day, he would be one of the ones still wanting to go out and have a laugh.

When we got together, I still wanted to go out and have fun. We naturally toned it down a little bit because we naturally became more focused on each other. Before we had got together I had spent quite a bit of money on 2 one-night-festival tickets. And the person I was meant to go with bailed so I eventually asked him if he wanted to go. He said yes and we went and he asked to leave within 2 hours. I was disappointed because I’d spent a lot of money to go there. He told me the next day, he doesn’t actually like those kind of things just wanted to spend time with me.

This then turned into, he doesn’t like socialising, he doesn’t even like drinking and any event is always him putting on sad eyes, not wanting to go, but saying he feels he has to because I am. Even though he can literally go and do his own thing at his own house. So he spends the whole time miserable, clung to me, wanting to go home. He admitted that he just pretended to be really sociable and go out drinking and do all of these things to get close to me. Not because any of that is who he is. I feel lied to. I’m now in love with someone who pretended to be someone else to get with me. It’s like false advertisement.

Not only that, but he was really chilled and laidback, understanding and seemed quite emotionally mature for his age. These are the reasons I overlooked the age gap. Now I feel even that was a lie. He’s become so clingy that I prefer not to be around him. I want to salvage this relationship though. If I can.

Twice this week I had plans in the day, but in the evening he asked to see me. I let him know later that evening that I was too tired from already being out all day, but I would make time for him next week. Then last night he invited himself to stay at my house. I told him no, we never had plans together and I already have plans that he was aware of. He throws a fit tells me I can’t even bothered to just sit and watch tv with him, he must be that exhausting and annoying to me. And that I obviously just don’t want to be around him. And he’s annoyed because I don’t even give any explanation as to why.

I explained to him that being tired, is an explanation, but I don’t actually need one because if I want some me time I will have it. I saw him almost everyday of last week so it’s not like I don’t spend time with him. He wants to be around me 24/7, I’m an introvert my energy comes from being by myself and recharging. When we’re in each other’s company he’s hanging off my hip. Constantly touching me, trying to stick his tongue down my throat. He says “can we get off for a bit” like a 15 year old. When we’re not together he’s texting me constantly, about nothing.

He’s not as emotionally mature as I thought. He’s constantly throwing a pity party. I feel he does it because he thinks it will keep me there. He’s put on weight and at one point said “now I can just get fat and it doesn’t matter cause you love me and it’s cute” and I put my foot down and said absolutely not. I even have to encourage him to shower sometimes. He has tartar on his teeth. It’s visible, I told him you really need to get it checked and book an appointment to see a hygienist. He acts like I’m being mean by not wanting him to gain weight and be unhygienic. I’ve told him I am not his mother and have no interest in taking that role. I have told him I want to be attracted to my boyfriend. And I want for him to look after himself and he should want both of those things too.

Despite all of this he is a very sweet guy, he’s thoughtful and makes me laugh and I feel comfortable around him. We share lots in common, even though I’m starting to question if he’s adopted all of my interests to get close to me, and abandoned all of his. If he even had any. I think he is codependent and I’ve told him this and he can’t seem to grasp the concept of personal growth and that its a constant work in progress that you have to put effort into.

Where do I go with this? Having these conversations with him and telling him he’s too needy and needs to just grow up feels like I’m slapping a 5 year old. It’s that or I leave. And I also worry he’ll ‘change’ to keep me around, but slip back into old ways because it’s not who he is or what he wants.

TL;DR - My boyfriend acted sociable and pretended to like drinking and going out just to get with me. Now we’re together he just want to do nothing together and gets moody about going to any events. He wants to be around me 24/7, constantly all over me and gets annoyed if I ask for space. When we’re not together 24/7 texting. He also acts like he wants me to mother him; I have to encourage him to eat healthy, workout, take a shower, brush his teeth. When I explain this to him he acts like I’m being mean and inconsiderate of his feelings. Or like I’m being controlling. How do I express my boundaries and salvage this?

Submitted June 27, 2020 at 02:02AM by m_eye_nd https://ift.tt/2YFxqtv