My [21F] sister [25F] is estranged from my father and his family. My brother [23M] and I aren’t. How do I handle conversations about her?

tl;dr: My sister stopped contact with my dad and extended family ten years ago. My brother and I didn’t. Now, my family expects me to play peacemaker and bring her back into the family. What should I do?

My parents [now 50M and 48F] divorced when I was a toddler, so when my sister cut off contact with my dad in high school, she didn’t face pressure to go back.

I don’t know why she cut off contact — she fought with Dad a lot, but my brother and I did at the same age (14-15) and we enjoy a good relationship with him now. I’m close with my sister now, but if I bring it up, she gives me the silent treatment. I gave up on finding answers years ago.

We have a very big, extended family (my father is one of five kids). When my sister (the eldest grandchild) disappeared, everyone took it personally, especially my grandparents. However, people avoided talking to me about it since I was still pretty young. I was only asked basic questions (what’s she up to, what colleges is she looking at). I found it very awkward, but never upsetting.

Since I turned 18, however, family members have grown bolder. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins share their feelings and I’m put in the position of reassuring them it’s not their faults my sister left (despite not actually knowing why she left). I understand their frustration — a few have reached out to her on social media, only to be ignored. So my brother and I are the only way to gain information and send a message. Often, I’ve been encouraged to be a peacemaker and bring my sister to family events. My sister has made it clear she has no interest in repairing the relationships, so I’m left in a terrible position.

I love my sister, and I’m glad we’re so close. So I don’t want to damage our relationship by forcing the issue. But I also love my family and want my younger cousins (some of whom don’t even know she exists, having been born during the estrangement) to have my sister in their lives. And my dad misses her so much — he waited a bit longer than the rest of the family, but he’s asking a lot of questions now.

She HAS renewed contact with one aunt and uncle, who live on the opposite side of the country. She’s even visited them and writes letters frequently. I don’t think the rest of the family is aware of this — I certainly haven’t told them.

So what do I do about this? Should I respect my sister’s wish to not be a part of that family? Should I try to fix the situation? Or just deal with the guilt of avoiding any conversation on the topic?

My brother and I have talked about it a few times (he faces similar questions, but not as many, since he isn’t very talkative at family events). He jokes that whoever has a wedding first can deal with it — we’re already coping with a decades-old messy divorce, let’s add a family estrangement. He’s not wrong, that’s a disaster waiting to happen. My biggest fear (something exacerbated by COVID) is that someone will die and my sister will refuse to go to the funeral.

Any advice is appreciated. There’s a lot more background info I could add, so if you have questions let me know.

Submitted June 26, 2020 at 09:04AM by throwaway-sib https://ift.tt/3g4I1nq