I(24M) am currently living at home with my family. The current situation is almost untenable. I’ve moved out twice in the last decade with my mom to escape my brother and dad, and I’m itching to get out again.
I have sufficient funds to move out after working full time for the last 3 years but am enrolled to go back to school for a year starting in September and would like to continue saving my money. I know, I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I also don’t want to abandon my mom.
My mom and I have been very close my entire life. I think I grew even closer to her because of my poor relationship with my father. A little over a decade ago, she was diagnosed with a rare disease call Schwannomatois(a type of Neurofibromatosis). It’s a horrible genetic mutation — her body creates benign that wrap around the nerves in her body. Anywhere. She’s had them in her head, her arms, legs, butt cheeks and sadly in her spine too. The only way to treat these tumours is to remove them, but there’s potential to damage the nerves in doing so. Because of this, pain management is usually advised route, until pain becomes to severe or the tumour grows so big the nerve is becoming damaged. She has so many tumours currently in her body and endures so much pain on a daily basis and is the most selfless, loving, caring mother a boy could’ve ever hoped for. She told me recently because of the pain she hasn’t had a decent nights sleep in months and it breaks my heart.
My brother and I have had a strange relationship. Growing up there were times where we were best of friends and mortal enemies which I think is pretty normal. But our relationship hasn’t been the same since he assaulted me in 2015. He punched me in the face and broke my nose whilst drunk/high on marijuana(after a night out with my dad) and I called the police. I opted not to press charges. That wasn’t the first time he’s assaulted me. He’s also assaulted my dad, assaulted my mom, even broke her nose too(threw his size 14 shoe at her face back in the early 2010’s.) I’ve called the police numerous times in the last handful of years when this happens or the situation is escalation. The scary part is it seems to be totally random. I’m scared that one day he’s going to seriously hurt somebody.
My mom and dad have always noticed he’s a little bit different. Whether he’s a little bit on the spectrum or has asbergers I’m not sure. He’s super smart, way smarter than I could ever hope to be. We also have a history of depression/anxiety on my moms side. I inherited a bit of both too.
My brother is now 26 and he’s really never worked in his life. He graduated high school after I did even though he’s two years older than me. He dropped out in the 11th grade because of “anxiety” and his life’s been in a downward spiral since. He began drinking in high school and started smoking weed not too long thereafter. Since 2012 he’s been getting a free ride, eating, sleeping, playing video games, drinking and doing drugs. He’s been enrolled to go back to attend post secondary 4 or 5 times but has been unable to do so because of the “anxiety”. He’s been pushed to get a minimum wage job but has refused.
Since he’s become an adult he’s sort of become my dads best friend and it makes me sick. I think they naturally locked on together because my mom and I were so close. There were times where my parents fought and my brother admittedly defended him for no other reason than thinking he needed someone in his corner.
My brother and my dad basically spend all day everyday together now that my dad hasn’t been working the last few months(off for surgery). They watch TV, movies, go on “drives”(occasionally with the intention of stopping at a bar and drinking/gambling), walks. It’s pathetic. My dad has preached to me that he wants my brother to make something of his life — so why are you enabling him and giving him a partner in crime, giving him entertainment?
The two of them are the most moody people I’ve ever met. One minute one can be happy, the next angry. They become insufferable when they are together. They are completely different people when they’re together and in the worst way.
My brother has admitted to my mom that he has a drug problem. He at times has tried to stop but usually after 48 hours of moodiness and bitchiness goes and buys some weed and is all better until the process is repeated again. Because he doesn’t work, to afford his habit, my brother has stolen money, taken bottles to the bottle depot, taken credit cards under the guise he’s going for “food”. My dad often buys it for him or allows him to use his credit card(we live in Canada).
It’s all just fucking enabling him. Part of the reason I think they don’t outright deny him is he has a history of getting violent and at times when he doesn’t get what he wants he throws tantrums. My mom is not well and holds strong but doesn’t need to endure that shit, my dad on the other hand just usually gives in to his buddy.
My dad and I have always had a strained relationship. He makes a very comfortable living, despite my mom not working since a car crash in the 90’s. He is addicted to drinking and gambling. He doesn’t really have friends he does things with(hence my brother being his BFF), he just works, sleeps, sits his ass on his computer watching the stock markets/watching the news or is gambling/drinking essentially. He doesn’t have any hobbies and it’s pathetic but my mom has told me he’s always been this way.
Unlike my mom who has always put the family first, my dad has done the opposite. A couple examples: In grade 9 for take your child to work day, even though I expressed my excitement to him, he went on a drinking bender the night before, it didn’t end up happening. We went the next year to make up for it but I’ll never forget that.
The day of my high school graduation ceremony, he decided it was a good time to fight with my mom about going out to the casino that night. My mom didn’t want to(she never wants to) but he was insisting.
Essentially all of the arguing between my mom and my dad my entire life has centred around my dad drinking and gambling way too much money. Unfortunately this is the way he is and it’s never going to change in my estimation. He doesn’t think he has a problem and doesn’t want to change.
When I was in grade 7(2009)my mom and I moved out for probably 4 months. That was before she got sick. We moved back because my brother was 15 at the time and she felt like she abandoned him even though he had the choice to come with us. It was glorious while it lasted.
In 2017 my mom and I again moved out for 6 months. Again, glorious. We eventually moved back because my mom once again felt like she abandoned my then 23 year old brother, she was becoming unwell with a tumour that was growing in her head that she had removed this past January.
Aside from pushing through for a few more years and eventually moving out I don’t know what to do. My dad and my brother don’t want to get better.
My mom wants out, I know that much, but she’s expressed to me that she doesn’t want to do so until my brothers got his act together. I’ve told her that it’s absolute nonsense(it might never happen) and that he’s a grown ass man who’s physically and mentally harmed you for years — you need to finally put yourself before anybody else, but I don’t think she will.
Any advice?
TL;DR: I can’t stand living at home with my brother and dad who are both addicted to different things, but don’t want to move out because I don’t want to abandon my mom or have to pay rent.
Submitted June 28, 2020 at 04:03PM by 96fuckedupfam https://ift.tt/3iapqIz
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