My partner (27NB) said something transphobic and my (25F) friends haven’t spoken to me in months because of it

While out at a bar celebrating my birthday with my friend (27F) and my partner, my partner said “I wouldn’t want him to regret all the damage he’s doing to his body in a few years,” about my ex (and my friend’s younger brother, 23M) who had been transitioning for close to a year and had just come out to his parents. She burst into tears and left. My partner also got up and left. By the time I had paid our tab and gotten outside, both of them were out of sight. At this point, my partner’s phone was dead and we were visiting the city, so I went looking for them. Later that night, after catching up with my partner, asking them why they said what they said and giving them an earful about why what they said wasn’t ok, I texted my friend and said that I was sorry that that happened and explained why what my partner said what they did. (They know trans people that ended up regretting some part of their transition later down the road.) I didn’t receive a text back that night. The next day she wishes me a happy birthday and says she wants to talk about what happened later. As the day goes on I don’t hear from two of my other close friends, including my ex. Another friend declines meeting up with me, saying she doesn’t want to get involved in the drama. Later that week my partner and I go on a trip, but before we leave, I make a point to sit down and talk to my friend and she explains that she was upset when I didn’t check on her after she left the bar. She didn’t feel like my apology adequately addressed her feelings and she felt like I put my partner before her even though I’ve known her much longer (I’ve known her for about 5 years, at this point my partner and I had been together for roughly 7 months). She also told me that she and our other friends were upset with me for not standing up for her brother in the moment that something was said, even though they didn’t know that my partner and I had already had many discussions about why it wasn’t okay. They felt like because I didn’t react to the comment in the moment, that I had heard it before, and worse, agreed with the sentiment. After she and I spoke, I reached out to my other friends to apologize if I had ever made them feel like they are less important to me. I didn’t hear back from them for about another week, after I got back from my birthday trip. My ex and I sat down to talk about what happened and the conversation concluded with us continuing to not speak because I wasn’t breaking up with my partner. Both my ex and my friends cited other instances where my partner had said hurtful things to a few other people in my life, all of them being said when they were drunk. My partner was even (falsely) accused of trying to anonymously come between my ex and his girlfriend just to stir up drama in the friend group. My friends felt like these were reasons enough to leave my partner and by not leaving them, I was choosing my relationship over my friends. This whole situation created a lot of tension between my partner and I, but we addressed every issue that came up, we both started therapy, and they cut back on drinking. I tried making amends with my friends, but they were still hurt and I knew nothing was ever going to be the same. I ended up quitting my job (working for/with said friends) and moving 1000 miles away from them and my family. But I still think about this situation every day, and I mourn the friendships I lost. They were people I thought would be in my life forever and I think part of me still holds onto hope that maybe in the future we could be friends again. But was it the right decision ultimately to not let my friends tell me that I had break up with someone in order to stay friends with them? Or AITA for staying with my partner after they said something horrible about my friend?

TL;DR My friends stopped speaking to me because I didn’t break up with my partner over something transphobic they said about one of my friends.

Submitted June 28, 2020 at 01:41PM by deedeeshitaker https://ift.tt/2BKKKUg