Would I [38F] be going too far to ask my partner [41M] to set some rules on his friendship with another woman online?

TL;DR My partner has a female friend online he spends a lot of time roleplaying with. I want to ask him to set some better boundaries with her like no romance, less playtime, etc. Am I being too controlling?

My partner is very into online gaming and years ago (5, shortly before we started dating, but were friends at the time) he had a female friend in game that he had a romantic (in character) relationship with and a casual friendship out of character. After we started dating it fell by the wayside and he only spoke to her once or twice a year until this year. I knew nothing about her. He stopped roleplaying as much as well.

Now he is back into roleplaying in the time of quarantine and they have revived their friendship. I know there is nothing going on with their actual selves (she has a gamer guy husband they know and I'm around their chat enough to see what's up) but I still don't appreciate how much time he spends with her and how close they are, not to mention that she constantly pushes him to have an in game romance again. We've had some fights not only because I'm jealous of the time/attention but also because he is basically addicted to the game.

Normally I am all for friendships of whatever gender but he spends most of every day gaming with her. They get on voice chat for hours, and she literally messages him the moment he wakes up to get on and play. If he's working, she messages him begging to know when he'll be done to come play. If he's hanging out with me, it's "Are you free yet?" I know he can't control her actions but he can damn well tell her "I'm busy, I'll message you later." Instead he either ignores her, apologizes and says soon, or messages her the second we are done watching tv or whatever to let her know he's free again. And it's not just a few hours a day- he will spend anywhere from 10-14 hrs in game and she is on most of that time. If they are separately busy with other things in the game, she'll still message him and whine that he is paying too much attention to other characters. I'm tired of feeling like she gets more time than me with him and wish she'd find someone else to spend time with.

As far as romance goes, I've seen the messages she sends trying to pressure him into it and although he's promised me he won't do it, he literally won't outright tell her no. He hedges and makes excuses that his character can't right now because of xyz but maybe later. The most recent one was "Oh, he loves her and would totally be with her if things were different, I'm sorry" WHAT THE FUCK.

I only saw this last message because I snooped (I grabbed his phone thinking it was mine and her response was on his notifications on the lock screen, I was curious enough open and read the exchange). I don't feel good about looking but I also think he can't act this way either in our relationship. It's disrespectful to me and really just is a way for him to not let her down without technically lying to me. He's also very careful to hide his ingame conversations when I get near and when I called him out on it, he says he should have his privacy.

After our last shouting match he told me he thinks the only way I'd be happy is if he quit the game entirely but that is not true. I want him to be happy and have an outlet but not at the expense of my feelings. Would I be out of line to ask:

-No more hiding the game convos

-Admit to his friend that he is not going to have any romance with his characters and they have to be just friends

-Ease off just a little on the constant communication and let her know that he is busy with me and won't be responding until a certain time if we are hanging out

I don't want to be controlling but I want to be respected! And before anyone asks, yes I play the same game just not the same intensity. I asked to join in with his group sometimes since I thought playing with him or his group and getting to know them might help but he refuses.

Submitted June 28, 2020 at 06:35PM by Logical_Attention486 https://ift.tt/3i9Yfxu