I (28F) am asking my mom (58F) to move out for the sake out my mental health. Am I doing the right thing?

I have been wanting to post on here for a while now but could not bring myself to do it. Now I really do need outside perspective. There is a lot of background detail that I could include to give you a better picture of what exactly I’m dealing with, but I will do my best to keep it relevant and as short as I can. That said, it is still a bit of a long one so apologies in advance.

[Background] I have had a difficult life throughout its entirety. I grew up only knowing my mother’s side of the family (dad was never in the picture for me – he cheated on my mom when I was born) and “family” is used cautiously as there was a lot of fighting and yelling in my earliest memories. Also, as far back as I can remember, I have been homeless on and off, both my mother and I always sleeping in our vehicle. I remember eating a small can of mushrooms or canned corn for meals when I was little and having to hide and not tell anyone how we lived for fear of me being taken away from my mother. Growing up, she was always my best friend and we were everything that each other had in the world. Though being in close, stressful quarters together at almost all times really gave us no other choice. Occasionally I would be able to stay with family (either with my grandparents or my aunt and uncle who have always hated us. They never liked my mom so by extension, hated me as well) and go to school but I was always forced to sleep on the floor in a corner upstairs where there wasn’t even room to fully stand up due to the slanted ceiling while my much younger cousin has her own room, a bed, a tv and anything else a kid could hope for in an ideal home. She was also being coached early on by my aunt and uncle to have their same attitudes towards myself and my mother so I was generally having degrading comments said to or around me by everyone in the house hold. For these years, my mom was an over-the-road truck driver so she stayed out and worked for a couple weeks at a time while I stayed with family and attended school with my friends + played sports. It was the only thing keeping me sane growing up. Eventually something would happen and we would be homeless again, so I would do my best to stay “up kept” so that no one at school knew about my situation. This cycle pretty much continued until I was 14 and then we cut contact with family and were homeless for the next few years. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with cancer and we were suddenly thrown into a life centered around doctor appts, procedures and chemotherapy. This treatment, is all went to plan, was set to last 2 and a half years so the hospital/social workers provided resources and ultimately, it was found out that we were homeless while I was still keeping up with chemo. After months of pushing and stressful appointments, we were able to get a top placement on our state’s Section 8 housing program (low income government housing) and for the first time in forever, we had a place to live. A room I could call mine and eventually, a bed. I was so excited to have a bed…

Ultimately after a few years I beat my cancer and am now officially cured, which I didn’t even realize was a possibility before all of this but was left with many serious long-term after effects brought on by my treatment. I came to adulthood while living in Section 8 and due to my health, wasn’t able to work for years. I was bedridden for a while, going through rehab/therapy to regain muscle mass and learn to walk without assistance again.

[My problem] Throughout all of these years my mother has made me her life – literally, I noticed a dependence from a very young age and oftentimes felt like the parent in certain situations. I’ve always felt responsible for her, her success and her happiness. When I became an adult, she began to get angry with me quite often and though she encouraged me going out with friends, she was always very….funny….about me having a boyfriend. She would claim that my boyfriend at the time was changing me, shifting my thoughts and opinions but in reality it was never my boyfriend who had anything to do with that; I was growing up and becoming my own person. She saw that we had vastly differing opinions and views in general and she did not like that realization. Eventually, I saw that my mother as someone who put me through a lot of emotional manipulation and abuse and would guilt trip me/be passive aggressive nearly all the time. It was like I had broken out of a fog when I realized that this is who my mother has always been, it just didn’t seem so when I was a child and was taught to think/feel the same way she did. Now that I was growing up, I was becoming my own person and that person was night-and-day compared to my mom. I have tried living with my partner at the time, staying with friends, having roommates and living on my own but whenever it would be just me, my mom would be sure to make it “we” and we would live together. Admittedly, I still felt emotionally oppressed so whenever I would try to stand my ground and tell my mother that I needed space, I needed to live alone and grow as my own person she would eventually guilt me enough into putting that idea aside and I became resentful towards her. I felt like a prisoner in my own home, in my own life, but my love for my mom (and the fact that I am an empathetic person to begin with) kept me from enforcing anything permanently. The guilt would stress me out so much I became physically ill. Now after years of my living in various states (her following me or casually “showing up” in each one), I had moved to a city I had never been to before in my home state and went no contact with my mother. I couldn’t take the negativity and as difficult and as heartbreaking as it was, I realized that she is my biggest trigger and I am much healthier overall when we are apart.
I was flourishing on my own: I was happy where I lived, was meeting new people, found a job I loved, worked towards longtime goals and finally just felt…free, as cliché as that sounds. Then the pandemic hit, and things changed drastically overnight. I was out of work and my situation at home was forcing me to find a new place. I was worried about my mother, who has been living in her vehicle for the past few years, and I felt guilty for everything I did. I had a bed to sleep in, a room to stretch out in, hot food in the kitchen…I knew my mom had none of that and eventually I thought that I could rent my own place and have her stay there just through the pandemic or at least the worst parts of it so that she could possibly get some things figured out in a stable environment. I got my own place and she has been staying with me now for over 3 months now and I am absolutely miserable. First, I know she is a trigger for me so just having her around is sending me back to all of the dark times in my life – hearing her voice, seeing her around the apartment, everything is just bringing that resentment and stress back. Like usual, she has not tried to find a job and keeps making irrelevant things priority and in turn not making great decisions. I am miserable, I hide out in my room to avoid any interaction, I feel claustrophobic and hopeless, mentally I am falling back into a dark place and I don’t feel at all like myself anymore. To add, I have gotten back into therapy and am trying to stay vigilant about managing my mental health as much as I can.

I can’t take it anymore.

I finally told her, several times, that I am in a very unhealthy place and I need to have my place back to myself again in order to work on my well-being. I set myself back progress-wise by having her around and since nothing is changing on her end, I see no end in sight to this cycle. I recently was hired on for TWO jobs starting soon and I am very excited to get back to work. Right now, my rent is due and since I’ve been out of work from Covid-19 (and since she just doesn’t work) I only have half of what I need in my bank account. I am currently trying to sell what I can just to make bills this month and will hopefully catch up soon with my new employment. The stress of my living situation has gotten to me so after many attempts, she finally agreed and has been moving some of her stuff to storage and cleaning out her van to get it ready to stay in again. We agreed that she would by out on July 1st and again, the guilt has been setting in for me. Hard. She keeps talking to “herself”, being passive aggressive and making noises/faces made to guilt me. Of course the logical part of me knows that this is the best decision and that this is how she’s always been, she’s not going to change and if I want any sort of life I need to cut contact with her again. However, the emotional side of me is extremely guilty, telling myself I’m a bad daughter and a cold person for putting my mother out like this. But damn it, I just want the chance to have my own life and my own happiness. Why should I feel guilty for that? I have always put her and her feelings first but now it’s my turn. I’m overdue to put myself first for once.

So, I need an outsiders perspective and advice. Am I doing the right thing? Am I really just a bad daughter? How do I keep my foot down and stand my ground on this? How do I get rid of all this guilt? I just need to hear someone else’s perspective.

Tldr; After a life of homelessness, a cancer diagnosis and emotional manipulation I have decided to live my life for ME. My mother has brought a toxic environment to my home and I’ve asked her to move out. She is upset and my extreme guilt is making me question if I am doing the right thing.

Edit: a word

Submitted June 30, 2020 at 02:59AM by xxBohemianSpaceship https://ift.tt/3g9gC3O