BF and I have been together 18 months, he's 2 years sober and his support group plays a huge role in his life. Recently after an online meeting, a friend (S) got in touch to say that her new sponsor (B) liked what he'd been saying and wanted to explore it more so she'd given her his phone number. This was not ok, he felt S crossed a line by not asking him first but it was too late and then sure enough B messaged him.
They talked a lot initially, finding they had common ground and he was able to offer her quite a lot of support as she was not long sober. I had no issues with this in principle as I know a big part of his recovery is helping others but I did caution him against letting her get too attached as she was single and particularly isolated and vulnerable. BF is not short of female admirers in general as he's good looking and has a lovely manner in general. I've found myself developing unhealthy attachments to male friends who've supported me with stuff in the past when I was going through some struggles. I said I felt it would probably be best for her to confide in another woman at this stage for her own benefit but also she was lucky to have his support as he's an excellent listener and very insightful about the type of issues they were discussing. (I only have vague details about her story of course).
After a week or so he told me that she was asking him questions about me, she'd asked what I look like and even asked to see a picture. He said he felt uncomfortable about that and I said he was right to, maybe he ought to dial it back a little. He said he would handle it. Then something came up personally for me, something I really needed his help and support with and I felt like he wasn't there. In particular, one evening I was very upset and he left me alone to go zoom with her in our bedroom for over an hour, it was about 11pm. The next day I told him I felt like he'd let me down and had chosen to support a stranger over me. He sat with it a while then came back to me to say I was right and he was sorry. He opened up to say that he had been feeling uncomfortable about his dynamic with her for a while. He definitely felt something was up with her attachment levels but that he himself had been enjoying her attentions (she's very flattering to him all the time about how great he is, how much she appreciates him etc) and that he felt we'd been going through a rough patch.
He was absolutely right about us. Several issues, not least lockdown, have meant we hadn't been great for a couple of months. I have a stressful job and was having issues with something else to the extent I'd been distant and snappy and he'd had less work so had been home alone a lot. I'm always picking him up on stuff he hasn't done or hasn't done right and generally taking it for granted when he does nice stuff for me. He's been doing nice stuff for me like bringing me lunch but failing to engage with me emotionally so that I feel like he doesn't care. It all made perfect sense, we talked about it for a long time and realised we'd both been dealing with stuff the wrong way. I apologised for being a bitch and not seeing him and he apologised for being an asshole and not seeing me. Great! Sorted!
He then spoke to S to let her know that he was planning on carefully disengaging from B. He felt the situation had become unhealthy for both of them and wanted S to be aware in case B should feel rejected and it not help her very new commitment to sobriety. He carried on talking to B but tried to be less responsive. Whereas before he was replying immediately to her texts, he was now leaving them unread for an hour or so before opening and replying. She reacted badly immediately. Sending him messages asking what was going on and links to zoom meetings for the two of them. Basically, I want to talk to you. NOW.
He replied that she was making him uncomfortable and that he had his own stuff to deal with so he needed to step back. She said are we not friends any more? He said they were, but that he felt she'd be better with more female support. She started blowing up his phone and when he eventually opened the 10+ messages she'd been saying stuff like she'd fallen for him etc etc and he needed to talk to her, he owed her that... He was pretty devastated, he felt bad because he had seen the red flags and ignored them and now she was properly blasting him about being a shit friend to someone he'd never even met. He spoke to S and to his own sponsor who both said to cut ties but not to do it suddenly and severely. He sent limited replies with advice centered on AA.
She was quiet for a day or so but yesterday messaged him again to say she wants to talk and that she feels like the reason he changed his profile pic on Whatsapp was to send a message to her. That right there is my limit. Who would actually say that?! If she hadn't already she's gone way over the line now. I've said he needs to cut all ties immediately and that it's no longer a situation where she needs his protection.
tl;dr: BF gets thrown into a situation where he's supporting a stranger with her addiction issues and they both benefit initially but she ultimately "falls in love" with him and is now seeing subliminal messages in his actions.
Submitted June 29, 2020 at 04:06AM by piglingbland1 https://ift.tt/2ZjFKhp
No comments:
Post a Comment