(30m)(27f) Fiancé has shown really abusive tendencies, but is nice to me if I don’t get upset - wondering if it’s my fault.

I have a feeling this will be removed because it’s a bit general, but I wasn’t sure where else to post this. :( sorry

Year long relationship. We are engaged (which makes it harder to think about breaking up).

So my boyfriend recently, with us living together during isolation and all, has started to show some signs of being really abusive. I honestly didn’t realise it until I posted about it here about a week ago and realised I was being totally blind to the way he was treating me and kind of blaming myself.

He has now moved out due to his being an essential worker and being moved locations and the time apart has made me think.

He’s become someone I don’t like, name calling, downright cruel, really does genuinely seem to enjoy saying hurtful things to me and putting me down. He blames all of this on me and doesn’t take any responsibility for it.

But a few things are stumping me and I need some advice.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship before and it’s left me with some bad insecurities despite years of therapy. They are better but not resolved. Therefore I’m sure at times I get easily triggered by certain things and more upset than perhaps other people do. Of course, he has lied to me so many times despite my begging him not to so I don’t believe my upset is totally invalid.

Alex has told me that he’s never been like this in previous relationships and I’m the only one that “makes him like this” because he says I’m constantly upset. He said I bring this out of him and because of my history it’s probably something to do with me rather than him, like I somehow made him into this. Could this be true?

He says he doesn’t care that I’m upset anymore because I’m upset so often that it’s lost it’s meaning. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m only upset as a result of things happening between us, generally his lies and arguments and the things he says to me

But what really confuses me is he’s shown genuine moments of care. He’s put in so much time and effort into me, driven so often to see me, bought me amazing gifts, had moments where he just seems so in love with me. I’m finding it difficult to distinguish how someone so hurtful could be capable of such kindness and love at times.

Of course he does get angry about my past and things I’ve done too, independent of me being upset about anything, so there are times it comes from him alone. He’s really jealous of things I’ve done with other guys and puts me down about it. But he says I remind him of this

But to be fair, the other times, maybe if I just “got over stuff” a bit better, like if I didn’t get so upset about his lies or what he said, or if I didn’t get triggered, I think he would be nice to me. Usually he says his bad moods and anger are a result of my upset or “nagging” or whatever, and if I didn’t do that he would be nice to me. That doesn’t seem like a sign of abuse does it, because he’s probably quite nice to me if I just keep stuff to myself? I’m just confused

tldr Fiancé of a year has changed into someone that seems really abusive. I’ve come to terms with that but am confused because he’s nice to me if I don’t get upset about things, and he’s been really kind and loving to me in the past. Is there a chance this is my fault?

Submitted April 23, 2020 at 02:44AM by lalathrowawaylalalal https://ift.tt/2VTUuSm