This is long, tragic & awful. Go down to “start” line to skip some back story details.
TW : child abuse, death of baby, alcoholism.
TLDR : alcoholic “sister in law” has hurt two babies via fetal alcohol syndrome, and I am not sure how to move forward in a family that protects her illness.
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I’m struggling with an in-law issue that is complex, as they all tend to be.
My husband has a small family, surviving it’s mainly his mom and brother left. His mother, my mother in law, generally dislikes me and is fundamentally terrified to ever disappoint her sons. Husband and I have had a number of issues over the years, stemming from his mental health struggles. A handful of years ago, I left him for six months as he got himself help. She repeatedly texted and emailed me some pretty terrible things. (“This is all your fault, what you’ve done to him.” At announcement of last baby, “you obviously forgot your birth control because he wouldn’t have wanted this.” “I don’t get to see my grandchildren because you are there.” Etc etc etc.) I have never replied to her over the years.
I have always hosted all holidays, and things are strained but cordial for the sake of the children (we have a few kids.) I tend to stay in the kitchen to cook, drink a ton of wine, and generally ignore in-laws until they leave. We are in our 40s, and have a decent life overall.
——- start here for current issue ——- Now. The issue.
Husbands brother is a wealthy white collar professional who is, by all accounts, in his very first relationship in his mid-40s. (Wealthy as in millions of dollars, this becomes relevant.) Lets call him Chad.
Chad is sweet, timid, and submissive. A good uncle. We see him at holidays.
Two and a half years ago he began dating a woman his friends introduced him to. Shortly after they began dating (a few weeks?) she claimed to be assaulted by a friend of hers, and she spiraled into deep alcoholism to the point of being entirely unable to function. She checked into rehab, and Chad became responsible for her dog. He saw many red flags, duh, but didn’t feel he could break up with a woman who was in such a vulnerable position. It became a cycle. In & out of rehabs, with Chad overtime becoming more and more responsible for her wellbeing (full time caretaker of dog, her mail, talking to her doctors etc.) It came out eventually that she has been in DOZENS of rehabs for chronic alcoholism since she was 18 years old. (Now mid 30s.) Dozens. At one point she spent 9 months inpatient. Let’s call her Molly.
Molly is stunningly beautiful, has a masters degree from a highly esteemed college, her parents are ambassadors who raised her all over the world, and she comes from a upper middle class lifestyle with no discernible family abuse. (No one ever knows, but I have spent a decent amount of time with her parents. They live on the other side of the world. They’re caring people, from what I can tell.)
She’s charming, sweet, and has the helpless innocence that makes you want to protect her. She’s like a trembling Yorkshire terrier in human form. My mother in law ADORES her. (I’m a bit of the opposite. Opinionated, independent & firmly assertive of myself.)
In one of her breaks from rehab, Molly becomes pregnant. Molly keeps drinking. This is 4-5 months into their relationship. Chad pleads with her to have an abortion. She refuses and keeps drinking, though is “trying to stop.” We see them maybe once during this pregnancy, as they keep mostly to themselves. Chad buys them a giant house in the suburbs. Molly wants to get married.
Baby is measuring small throughout, and finally around the 6 month mark the baby is diagnosed as “severe intrauterine growth restricted” and is measuring in the 1-2 percentile. Baby evicted at 8 months, weighs 4lbs. Lots of doctors involved. I’m in the medical field, but kept my distance because : boundaries.
We see the baby, a girl, at Easter. They live only 20 min away, but their lives have become a mystery to us overall. There are a number of family events over the next few months. Chad would arrive alone with this tiny frail baby, Molly was always MIA. I’ve never seen Molly hold or touch the baby.
Four months later it’s our toddlers birthday party, full of my family & our neighbors. Chad brings the baby, Molly shows up an hour later completely utterly wasted. She hides inside our house, while the rest of us celebrate in the backyard. She drinks a bottle and half of our wine. Mother in law completely oblivious. Thinks she “isn’t feeling well.”
When it’s time to go, Chad stands in the doorway of her car, fighting with her not to drive. We are on our front porch eating cake, and their argument lasts an hour. He finally convinces her to go with him. We give them space/privacy, and pretend we don’t notice anything. In the middle of the night he takes a cab to our house and picks up her car. He’s efficient at cleaning up her messes.
A month later Chad calls my husband to tell him Molly is three months pregnant. (So, was pregnant and wasted at the party.)
I’m irate. But I bite my tongue and continue to “keep family peace.”
Christmas comes, this baby is also small and has a two severe heart conditions that will require surgery at birth and three more surgeries before kindergarten. A boy. They also believe he may have a chromosomal defect, one linked to maternal alcohol abuse. (Heart defects also a symptom of maternal alcohol abuse in pregnancy.)
Baby1 is showing severe delays, and cannot put on weight. Today, she’s a year old and wears newborn diapers. She’s 11lbs. Again, I’ve never seen Molly hold or care for Baby1. I held her through each of the last holidays.
In January, at 32 weeks pregnant, Chad finds Molly unresponsive. He calls an ambulance. She has severe alcohol poisoning. Due to poisoning the baby so intensely, her body goes into spontaneous labor. Baby is born, he weighs just under 3lbs.
Chad calls us and asks if we can take Baby1. I’m more than happy to. I go buy a crib for her, and she stays a week. I don’t want to give her up. Chad comes over a few times to see Baby1, in between sleeping at the hospital with Baby2 in the NICU. I’m firm, honest, and harsh with Chad. I make it clear this was his responsibility, and he has enabled a situation where he has two permanently brain damaged children. I tell him that he is not responsible for Molly, but only his children. Chad is responsive, and heartbroken. My husband is silent, he thinks Chad is to blame. Chad fills us in on more details, explains she’d been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning a month earlier. They were in Hawaii and she couldn’t walk in the airport due to being too drunk (at 5-6 months pregnant.) Again, I’m irate.
Four days after baby2, let’s call him Nate, is born - Molly checks into rehab again due to ultimatum Chad has given her. She blows a .32 blood alcohol when admitted. Molly lasts four days in rehab. When baby1 is not at daycare, she’s with us.
DCFS is involved. They say Molly cannot be alone with either child. Molly faces no charges for abuse or criminal neglect. (Rich, white, educated, pretty & submissive. Hits every marker for privilege.)
Nate, baby2, needs a 9 hour open heart surgery. Surgery goes well.
I’m emotionally struggling over this, and seek out a therapist and go to a few al-anon meetings for families of alcoholics. I cry a lot at therapy and meetings, and remain stoic at home.
Later, it’s clear he’s succumbing the the stress on his poor tiny damaged and abused body.
He hangs on for a month, but his organs are now all failing. He never breathed on his own, but has now lost liver and kidney function. He has zero chance of living. It’s time to take him off life support, and Chad asks me to come help. I go, bring photos of his cousins, treasures from his deceased grandfather, rocks & seashells from the country Molly & I are from. Molly and I are culturally catholic - she is practicing, I am very anti-church.
COVID19 is just beginning and churches have shut down. I find a local catholic priest to come to baptize Nate and read him last rites, for Molly’s sake. I spend the day with Molly, Chad, my mother in law & a baby who is by all accounts already dead.
After ordering lunch, and going out for a few errands alone (I assume to drink, though she never appears drunk and I don’t smell anything,) Molly decides she wants to keep praying for a miracle. She can’t do it.
They want to go home. I ask to stay with Nate for a while. I sit and read him my favorite poems, I touch his gorgeous perfectly formed body - his thick black hair and long thin graceful ballerina feet. I tell him about his cousins, and i play Nina Simone & Bing Crosby & Ella Fitzgerald etc for him. He deserved some beauty.
I talk to the attending cardiac neonatologist and make it clear what the backstory is. She knows his birth story, but did not know about Baby1, or the previous history of hospitalizations for alcohol poisoning. She agrees the children need protection, and profusely thanks me.
I say goodbye to Nate. I let him know how loved he is.
30 full days later, Nate is brain dead with no organ function. The hospital ethics committee compels them, finally, to remove life support. All the while, mother in law is living with them to take care of baby1, Molly’s friends have made her a meal train (“to remove the burden of having to cook during this time”, again, they have millions of dollars, they raise a few thousand for ‘restaurant gift cards’), and Molly continues to post updates on social media asking for prayers and explaining she knows she will be able to take her “healthy son home safely to be with his family soon.”
DCFS somehow disappears at some point and no further restrictions are placed on Molly. Mother in law has zero clue that Molly did this to both Baby1 & Nate.
I text mother in law at one point and I say, “i am so glad you are there to help, I know that Chad & Baby1 need your support.” She replies, “and Molly does too.”
Nate is removed from life support and passes quickly.
Molly posts a series of long tributes on social media. The obituary is gaslighting absurd nonsense. She repeats that her sons light was too bright for this world, she doesn’t know why god needed to take her son but he must have a plan. So on and so forth with the bullshit.
She continues to seek support as a heroic grieving mother who did everything to save her child who was senselessly taken from her.
I know Molly is fundamentally powerless over alcohol, but Chad has the resources for the best care possible. At minimum, a sober buddy to follow her around during pregnancy. They are both directly responsible for the death and harm to these children.
So. In conclusion. What the fuck do I do? Do I blow my husbands small family up by telling the truth? That Molly murdered her child and deeply abused her daughter so she’s permanently brain damaged? Do I bar her from my home during holidays? We would then lose baby1, and chad. My mother in law already hates me and thinks I’m a trouble maker, that’s not going to change.
My husband wants peace at all costs and would not back me up.
I’d bet a lot of money Molly is pregnant again within months.
Submitted April 28, 2020 at 02:45PM by alikelystoryending https://ift.tt/2Ye0SXF
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