My mom (60F) told my sister (22F) that she doesn’t like my (27F) boyfriend (27M). I feel it’s because he “took me away from her”.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and live together. We did long distance for a while and he moved cross country to be with me.

I grew up in an Italian family where my Mom has been up in my business, 24/7, since I was born. Her children are her world. But my mom is emotionally dependent on her children. There was a point where I was really close with my mom, but not so much anymore.

We have our challenges. My mom has definitely influenced my self-image growing up. I grew up as a very emotional, anxious, sensitive child. My mom never validated my feelings. She yelled at me a lot when I would cry. She would tell me to “get over things” and to “stop being a baby” when something hurt my feelings. She has always minimized my anxiety and depression, telling me I have a good life and she can’t see what I’m depressed about.

She still does this to this day, but I’ve gone into the therapy profession and have gained control over my emotions. I’ve finally grown confident in my emotions and how I feel.

However, the more I do that, the more I see the way my mom negatively influenced my lack of self-confidence growing up.

My boyfriend has opened my eyes to a lot of this. I was so used to being treated that way by my mom, I didn’t even notice it. It felt normal. Then when he came around, he would tell me in private that he noticed the way I was being treated or spoken to, without me ever bringing it up. He never told me angrily, it was always from a place of love and care.

This has led me to put new boundaries in place with my mom, and I can tell she doesn’t like it. I don’t always answer her incessant calls, which I used to urgently answer. I call back when it is a good time for me. I don’t tell her about all of my problems, because I used to always get minimized and lectured. When she asks me a million questions, I don’t go into depth. I haven’t been around her as much, when we used to hang out all the time because she would get upset and cry if I didn’t spend a lot of time with her.

I think she feels my boyfriend “took me away from her”. I found out her and my stepdad told my sister that I’ve “changed” since being with him and they don’t like who I’ve become. Which is ironic because I’m the healthiest version of myself and love who I’ve become. They said they don’t like him very much because they think he’s changed me. They told my sister that it’s not that they don’t like him, but they prefer my sister’s boyfriend.

I haven’t told my boyfriend this and I don’t plan to. But I grew up needing my mom’s validation for everything. And it crushes me that she said that. Because my boyfriend is the love of my life and the most amazing guy I’ve been with. He accepts me and encourages me to be the best version of me.

I’m thinking of how I should discuss this with my mom. I don’t think I can sweep this under the rug. It’s just going to cause more tension and make things worse, as my mom is one to place the burden of her emotions on others when she is upset. I just really don’t know how to bring this up to her because every time I try to express to her how I feel, she minimizes my feelings, gets angry, and turns herself into the victim by claiming that I think she’s a bad mother.

I need help.

TL;DR My mom has negatively influenced my self-image growing up. My mom never validated my feelings. She yelled at me a lot when I would cry and has minimized my anxiety and depression. My boyfriend has opened my eyes to a lot of this. I’ve since put new boundaries in place with my mom and I think she feels my boyfriend “took me away from her”. I found out her and my stepdad told my sister that I’ve “changed” since being with him and they don’t like who I’ve become. They said they don’t like him very much because they think he’s changed me. Which is ironic because I’m the healthiest version of myself. I don’t know how to approach her about this because I fear I will be shut down.

Submitted April 29, 2020 at 04:11PM by yesgirl923 https://ift.tt/2zL2YnF