I [36M] have been with my wife [36F] for 18 years and have a reached a breaking point over finances.

My wife (36F) and I (36M) have been together for 18 years, and married for 15. I have reached a breaking point, and I am justified in my anger. Here is the back story:

In 2005, before we had kids and right around the time we got married, my wife decided that she did not want to continue college, and thought it best if she worked closer to full time. I supported her in this decision. As I was a full time student who was working part time, it helped because it eased some financial stresses of being poor college students. What she didn’t mention was that she had accrued between $5-10k in credit card debt on a few cards (can’t remember exactly how many and how much), and just stopped paying them; without me knowing any of it. At the time, our finances were still split, so she paid her bills and I paid mine. Enormous fight ensues; resolution occurs. This is when I took control of the finances and they were consolidated in our relationship, and has been that way ever since. (I had to completely rebuild her credit; which currently is very good)

When she dropped out of school, we also had to begin paying her student loan debt, roughly $23k by this time. It was high interest (12%) private loans, because she didn’t qualify for the low income type like I did. So I consolidated her debt into mine, set up a plan to pay her student loans, and started the process to pay it down. I ended up graduating in 2008 (bad time), and eventually enlisted in the army for the student loan repayment program. By this point we had two beautiful kids, one of which was EXPENSIVE (bad health insurance). At this point, my wife wanted to be a stay at home mom with the kids, and I fully supported the decision, and absolutely value the burden of parenting that puts on whomever is the primary parent. So, the credit card debt accumulated as I continued to not make much money. We fought a lot off and on about her spending, and inability to adhere to any kind of budget over the years. I came close a couple of times asking for a divorce, but I never pulled the trigger as the benefits of being married to her outweighed this one particular issue (she is pretty fucking awesome, supportive, and a great mother). I will point out for the record, that I also like to spend money, but I am always up front about it, and manage how it is spent carefully. It’s about transparency.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago. I am making very good money at this point, we are paying down a lot of debt (5 years ago, we had roughly $60K in CC and student loan debt), and my wife decides it is time to restart her career, which I think is a great idea, and support fully. She decides that real-estate is her best option, because she is very good and caring with people, the potential is high, and we don’t need her income for financial security. I am still paying all of the bills (which I am exceptionally transparent on; my spreadsheets are impressive), and still providing her roughly $1400-1700 per month for groceries, her discretionary spending, and things for the kids. My personal budget is about $800 per month for discretionary spending, and things for the kids.

At first, we didn’t really discuss what the plan for her income is, but we settle on 30% of her pretax income will go to the household budget, which is used for debt and savings. She starts to make more and more money, but I am starting to have to ask her for that 30% almost every time she closes on a home. Which causes fights, because why should I even be put in the position to have to ask for it; my money is hers and vice-versa? The other 70% is used on taxes, business costs, personal spending, and paying off her startup costs. I also didn’t mention that she got a credit card, with 25% APR, and racked up $10k in “startup costs” (not all of it was startup costs). To which about 30% of her income was appropriated against.

Now, here is the biggest problem. Come tax time this year, we receive her income statement. I was floored. The great news is that she is very good at her job, and made a lot more money than I thought. The bad news is she only contributed about 13% to the household, and not only has her personal credit card debt not gone down; IT WENT UP! Still to this day, she has not given a full account of where that money went. Yes, we fought about it; and I told her that she needed to provide me a detailed breakdown of income and expenses (which she never did. She only printed all of the statements, like 70 pages, and left them on her desk for me to play detective on). At that point, I exploded. I told her that there is zero trust in our marriage at this point, because she is not accountable financially. Her money is basically her money. I have no idea when or how many transactions she completes, and how much income she is actually bringing in. There are times where I am almost certain that she won’t tell me about money she is making, and it is making me go crazy that we are at this point.

Lastly, and the hardest part about this, is it only gets better after we fight about this issue for a couple of months. This is the cycle: We will talk about it, we will come to an understanding, and then it reverts right back to where it was. I ALWAYS get put in the position to ask for what should be completely automatic, she gives me attitude about it, and tells me she doesn’t have time to discuss it, dismisses me, and I lose it on her. I feel completely taken advantage of.

Today, I told her that she is COMPLETELY wrong in making me come to her. She has utterly broken my trust with her inability to be transparent, and I told her that if she doesn’t think that we are at the point of this causing irreparable damage to our marriage then keep doing what she is doing, and we as a couple will not continue.

Am I justified here?

TL:DR: Wife is a real estate agent, makes good money, and she is not being transparent on her spending, not contributing what she should be to the household, and I get completely dismissed when I bring it up.

Submitted April 28, 2020 at 11:20AM by bigly_wins https://ift.tt/2KIZAfi