I sincerely apologise for the wall of text. I am losing my wits, and I don't know how to describe it with less words.
I have intentionally cut off 6-7 of my friends (a circle) because they did not include me despite my efforts to explain how I felt. I kept feeling that even after I disclosed myself, they didn't really change anything. They were my only friends at University, and besides not including me, they generally bad mouth, manipulate and treat people poorly. I had enough and told them that I did not wish to be friends with them anymore, they did not take it well and proceeded to gossip about me to everyone we study with (we are only 55 people or so).
My ex-girlfriend advised me not to do it, as while she didn't like them either, they were literally all I had. Now I am feeling completely alone, and I am starting to doubt my decision. I also realised that this is not the first time I have cut somebody off because they treated me or someone else poorly. Apparently, I cannot be friends with someone who cheats on his girlfriend or deliberately hurts someone else. I wish that I could, because that would mean I wouldn't have to feel so lonely now. I am having a hard time keeping up with my studies, as lectures and such are a very, very painful affair. Also, I can't really attend school parties anymore, as I wouldn't have anyone to go with, and everyone knows me as the 'guy who was too good for people'.
It's my dream study, I have been getting straight A's so far with multiple job offers and internships, the last two exams I have scored 99/100 and 148/150 earning myself the top spot across all students. I hear a lot for this, as I generally don't study much except for exam periods. People have started spreading the rumor that I am cheating, and it's generally a hell hole for me right now. I have looked at the possibilites of transfer - not there, my only choice in that regard is to drop out and reapply for next year, but the school is small so that wouldn't really help.
Out of the 55 students, around 35 of them are socially engaged in various initiatives, and attending is kind of the backbone of having friends. But I have been frozen out, and the last 20 students or so are from different cities, with no intention of socialising. I feel alone, and it hurts very, very much.
Also, I am not diagnosed with anything, but I have been tested for autism and social anxiety. It was never severe enough to show up, but my psychiatrist and I agreed that it wasn't a long shot.
Oh, and I study psychology. I don't know if there are stereotypes regarding an average psychology student in your countries, but in my country, the theory holds up. Meaning gossip, manipulation, baggage, social exclusion and a lot of anxiety. I am not gonna be a therapist, as it has no interest to me + I would be really bad at it, I am currently in the process of getting a stud.Psych job as a Clinical Neurodiagnostician (thats probably the wrong translation, anyways)
TL;DR: I am all alone at my university, I have been frozen out by the only social circle there really is (partly on purpose). I don't know how to get any friends, and I don't know why I can't stand being friends with rude, manipulative etc. persons. I am starting to think it's all just selfdestructive tendencies, and that it is largely my own fault. Any tips on how to get back on my feet?
Submitted September 22, 2019 at 08:00AM by Bealwayshello https://ift.tt/31IhENt
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