I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 years and plan to get married next year. We love each other and are committed to building a life and home together.
But I crave intimacy and physical contact. I find myself crying to sleep most nights.
We used to have sex multiple times a week, but now we have sex once a week at most. And if we do have sex, I have to initiate it. I will always initiate foreplay and will almost always give him oral sex. It is rare that he returns the favor. Almost every time, the foreplay is abruptly ended when he tells me, “just get on top”— so he can finish. Sex ends when he finishes. We only have sex when I’m on top because it’s the most pleasurable for him. Sex with him is not intimate. He lays on his back with his eyes closed. There is no touching outside of the penetration. I have to force his hands on my breasts. Sex is sterile and feels transactional. As soon as he’s done, he goes to sleep. I have never orgasmed. On the most frustrated nights, I force his hands towards my vagina so I can finish as well.
When we first started dating, he used to masturbate in bed while I would be next to him. He would masturbate before attempting to initiate sex with me. This erupted in a big fight and he no longer does this. Now I can’t help but feel like I’ve just replaced his hand.
A few weeks ago, we went camping and he couldn’t sleep. He wanted to have sex so he can orgasm and sleep. That was obviously not the most romantic way to go about initiating sex. I’ve never felt so used in my life.
After work every night when we are home, we will kiss each other sporadically throughout the night. His kisses are just little pecks on the lips when we’re watching tv. I barely feel his lips. I have to pull him towards me to ask for a real passionate kiss. I ask to cuddle or hug or embrace but he says it’s not comfortable for him to do so on the couch.
Every night, we’ll be on the couch (not touching, with a body of space between us) and then he will take a hit of marijuana and all of sudden will say he’s going to bed. He’ll crawl into bed as I get ready for bed. When I’m ready to sleep and get into bed, he’s already sleeping and I have to strain myself to reach over to kiss him on the lips goodnight.
As we are in bed, his back is towards me. It is hard for me to fall asleep without warmth or some physical touch. I find myself grasping at a pillow and putting a pillow on my back to mimic that physical human comfort. Again, I will cry myself to sleep or go on my phone until I’m tired. At this point, he is fast asleep.
He wakes up before me and I feel that he is. Every day I feel a little hope that he will grab to cuddle me. But every day he will only cuddle when he knows I’m half awake and will do so for about 5-10 minutes before jumping up to sit on the couch, go on his phone, watch espn and walk the dog. I hear these activities every morning as I lay in bed awake, with my pillows again near me for physical comfort.
On weekend nights, I get the most sexual energy from him, but that is after him getting high all day. Again the sex feels very one sided, but at least he will tell me he wants sex. The night on a sex night will end with him rolled over and again without me feeling recognized.
I have tried talking to him on several occasions but it usually ends up with him yelling at me saying it’s all not true and “we do cuddle!!!” With all the yelling and the lack of change, am I doomed for a marriage with zero intimacy?
TL;DR - My love language is physical touch and I’m not feeling loved.
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Edit: A commenter asked if he shows his love in other ways. Yes, he will buy me flowers and say I love you multiple times a day. Every morning when he gets to work he sends me a kissing emoji. He will wash the dishes and has made dinner. His love language is definitely acts of service.
We can have intimate, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual conversations. There are so many reasons why I love him and want to have a future with him. We respect each other as partners. We are good at communication and have managed to talk through our issues as they come up but on this particular topic of sex and physical contact is where it’s been the most difficult.
Submitted July 31, 2019 at 04:58AM by catville13337 https://ift.tt/2YiDERq
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