Tl;dr Visitors to my home keep ignoring my specific instructions to not do things, is this just how older people visiting are, or how can I be more assertive?
My boyfriend (36M) and I (33F) bought an older house four years ago near a town where we moved. We're from 2 different countries, and we're living in another one. When we have visitors, they have to stay a while because it takes a while and a bit of money to get here.
I'm running into a recurring problem when we have older visitors coming, from both our families.
The house we bought is not perfect and needs some work, but it’s perfectly liveable. We know we have some large expensive chuncks of renovation that will need to be done (new roof, better isolation) and we've been saving up for these. There are other problems that are small or more cosmetic that would cost some money to fix, but we chose to set these aside while saving up for the rest.
My issue is that when older visitors come (and it's only older people), they decide to go off and fix my house even when I ask them not to.
Example 1: Boyfriend's parents come over for a visit. There was some ivy growing on a wall outside that would need a trim within a couple month. However, our ladder is broken, and my boyfriend knows he can get a ladder from his work in a couple weeks. My father in law decides he's going to trim the ivy, and I explain to him that we don't have a safe ladder to do so, and I'll get to it in a couple weeks. I leave him alone a few minutes to take a shower, and come back outside to find him having built a completely unsafe table to stand on to reach the top of the ivy (like, even less safe than he broken ladder) and trim it. I asked him five times to come down because I could see the structure wobbling and I was terrified he'd fall and get hurt. He ignored me, and when he eventually came down smiled and said "see, nothing happened". I was furious. I told him I was angry at him, and even that didn't get through to him.
Example 2: My dad visits with my aunt and uncle. One of the small issues with the house is that the water pressure isn't great. I know the cause, and I know it will take a plumber to have it fixed - we need to replace some pipes that are placed in a way that we need a professional. It's actually not a big bother - just don't do the dishes at the same time someone takes a shower and no one even notices the problem. my dad and uncle decide that they want to fix it anyway. I tells them not to - and explain why I know it will take a professional. Same as with my FIL - I go do something else and before I know it, they've cut the main water to fix the pipes. I go tell them to stop and they don't. Short of me physically pushing them away, I try everything to stop them, no luck. Exactly as I had planned, though, the problem can only be fixed by a professional, and long story short, they mess things enough that we have to cut the water to the whole house until a plumber can be called. It's Sunday night, so I only got someone coming around the next morning. I had to dip into the structural changes savings fund to pay the plumber, and the long term issue with the pressure is still there - we still have to replace the pipes some day. Again, I was furious at my dad and uncle, and they didn't even apologize.
Example 3: my mom is over this week. She was making food in a very nice iron pan we have that we have been seasoning for over a year. This means the bottom of the pan is blackened. If this was a teflon pan, it would be a sign it's unusable, but for an iron pan, it means it's just right. I told that to my mom multiple times, but would not believe me and tried to scrub off the seasoning behind my back, causing small specks to go in the food. Again, these are not dangerous, but we do need to redo the seasoning on the pan now. She nearly destroyed the pan and would not believe me until I made her read the manufacturer's website.
I am a very conflict-avoiding person. It's already taking a lot of going against my nature to stand up to all these people and say "no, don't do that", but I do it every time. I'm sure there's an element of sexism here (this only happens when my boyfriend isn't home). I want to figure out how to make myself more assertive, and for all these people to just listen to me in my own home. I'm tried of getting steamrolled, and I am coming to dread those visits.
Tl;dr Visitors to my home keep ignoring my specific instructions to not do things, is this just how older people visiting are, or how can I be more assertive?
Submitted July 28, 2019 at 03:55AM by Teapotje https://ift.tt/2yiI0Zf
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