I am a first time poster, so please be patient with me.
My husband last night accused me of talking on the phone to a man. 33(f) 37(m). Married 3 years, together 5.
This is not the first time he has accused, spied, and insinuated i have cheated on him.
Last night was my breaking point. I was in our home reading on my phone while he was out in his car. His car was running according to him, and the car picked up a phone call "allegedly" from my phone and then he claims I either answered it, or I dismissed it. First saying he heard a mans voice, later retracting that saying it was a mistake, then later claiming that's the only explanation and he knows it was a dude.
I did neither of those things. He had been emotionally distant all day, stewing.
The problem is, every time we have discord of any kind this happens. The accusations happen. I have never cheated, spoken to, or so much as uttered a word to a man since being with him. My eyes only see him.
I suffer from what a lot of woman and men have, denial. I first met him and started to slowly see his insecurities and jealous behaviors during the course of our relationship. I know he has serious trauma from his ex wife and his family. He does not address this, nor does he think this plays into this issue at all. He has serious trust issues that started way before I came around. I didn't know someone like this before I met him. I had no experience dealing with something like this. The worst of it all, my trigger is being accused of things I didn't do. That trigger is from my childhood. So I essentially married a man who triggers my childhood issues. What a combo... I feel guilty for just saying this outloud.
I am always at fault because I trigger it, he has a seemingly endless list of "evidence" which isn't evidence, its just his feelings. He has recorded me, snooped, and watched me without my permission all these years. He has never found anything.
I have examined my own behavior and drastically changed thinking it would alleviate this problem if I just tried harder, showed more empathy and compassion, and changed the way that he asked me to. I walk on eggshells, although not as much as I used to. I pretty much can instantly tell when he is feeling this way. I can feel it.
Things did get better, for a short while. He can and does accept he has these issues. The problem is this: If i come clean to all the cheating I've done, he will forgive me and move on. Except, I can't admit to things I have not done. He says things like this: "If you want to talk i'm here, and will accept with an open heart (he wants me to admit to something he manufactured in his own mind) but it's time for you to come clean. I want to spend my life with you." "If you just come clean I will forgive you" "I need the whole story, or else you can't come home".
He has asked me to take polygraph tests for years. At first I was angry and hurt, he took this to mean I did cheat and I didnt want to get caught. I think about taking one nearly everyday, just to show him I'm honest. He claimed he wasn't sure he could trust the results even if they showed me innocence, his mind wouldn't accept it. He now denies saying this.
Even when he spies without my consent or knowledge he has never found anything. And when he doesn't and I deny his claims, he just says I deleted it. I am a liar anda master at hiding it.
We've tried heart to heart conversations, they get us some progress, just not enough. And this is always the cycle. Blame, accuse, deny it, back to normal. Except I'm left broken and he says he is too. He is the reason for our issues, and I know some will say its not fair to say that. I however know if he didnt think, feel, and treat me this way, our relationship would be solid.
Now because I wont ever admit to any of his accusations, i am gashlighting him and abusing him. I have told him he has paranoia and delusional issues. I have so many crazy stories, this pails in comparison to some of the others. He fully believes after his manic episode and reading the internet I am in fact an emotional abuser who gashlights him. His ex is BPD. Which is why I feel he has projected his hurt, rage, and anger from that relationship onto me. I finally realized he uses a lot of guilt to make me do things. I get guilted and shamed, but really it feels like he projecting.
We have both cheated, a long long time ago when were were young. Not an excuse to treat your life partner like this. I most certainly will never ever do that again. I spend 24/7 in our home working for us. I don't leave the house unless he is with me or my child is. I feel like I have to have a babysitter at all times to avoid this problem.
I try really hard to validate his feelings to actually hear him. I just can't agree to the way he paints me. He says I won't come clean because I'm worried he will smear my name. I can't come clean because there is nothing to come clean about. I know he feels guilt and shame for what he has put me through. He does have moments of clarity and I always return those moments with a warm embrace and a thank you for recognizing. I try to encourage the changes.
I'm so lost and scared. He took my life and forced me out against my wishes. I honestly thought we were making excellent progress on some issues. I felt like he was changing, and I changed how I respond to him. I still have my issues, but my issues are from the trauma from this relationship.
He expects perfection in regards to keeping my cool, and if I make a mistake and trigger or hurt him in someway, and it's always unintentional, it sets weeks and months of accusations, insecurity, constant monitoring in motion. Many of his expectations are more than reasonable, some are not. He does and has called me names, insulted me, and he constantly compares me and our relationship to others.
I know this isn't healthy, I just don't know how to let go and move on. I can't rationalize with him, and most times these last for days. Then it's back to normal and I have to move past the hurt. He slowly has taken my independence, and I am solely dependant on him for everything.
I'm scared and confused. I read on the internet and it just makes it worse. I can't rationalize this, I also can't make him see the truth. What is this? Why is this happening? What do I do? I thought if I waited it out, it would get better. Therapy helped me. He reads books about relationships and points out to me all the things i need to change in order for him to be happy.
He is hostile and cold, the next loving and embracing. Hes currently manically searching my phone logs and facetime. It's like a switch turns off and the man I fell in love with is gone. The warmth and love is gone. And in his place is the tyrannical, punitive man who won't even believe what is sitting right in front of him.
I feel like I'm damaged goods, I have trust issues now, and I struggle with paranoia. Maybe he is projecting this all onto me? I have free access to his stuff as he does mine. I can't bring myself to snoop because I'm scared I might find something. He genuinely feels like a loyal person, just a deeply broken and a sad hurt person.
He is also very much alone. He has no family in America. I know he feels really alone and scared because he doesn't have a support system. He does have friends, but he doesn't really talk to them much anymore. I get his fear, I get why he is always worried, but something has to give.
How Do I let this go? Should I let this go? I can't rationalize with him, nor make him see the truth.
TL;DR: My husband accuses me of cheating, last night was my breakinging point. I don't know what to think or where to go from here.
Submitted July 29, 2019 at 07:33PM by lostwithoutwords1 https://ift.tt/2Zmee1M
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